Fri May 01 1998 12:00:
May is, in fact, upon us. May I once again
direct you to the taking-shape geek humor site segfault.org. I have a Philosophy
midterm to do this weekend but apart from that I plan to spend a lot
of time working on segfault.
I'm trying to get some kind of track
recorder working under Linux so I don't have to buy a 4-track to do
OMP!(25K-4)YOPPO with. It's not going as well as it could be. I may
call in Andy to assist, in much the same way that a Confederate
general at Gettysburg might call in the cavalry to assist, although
that's about where the similarities between Andy and Confederate
Speaking of which, hey Andy, there's a guy
named Matt at UCLA whom I suspect of being another clone of you. He
looks just like you, and he's a CS major too.
Crummy is one year old today. It has,
fortunately, not consumed my life, but remained a place to put
whatever silly articles I come up with. That's the way [uh-huh,
uh-huh] I like it.
There's a NYTSYN article on Newshub right
now headlined "Gates Ditches Nerd Look For More User-Friendly
Style". I refuse to read it.
Well, I'm going to go make some more of my
secret Pasta Roni stash. It is the only food left in the house (we
have brownie mix, but that requires eggs, which we don't have; I may
have to pick some up tomorrow since I'm going to need to eat tomorrow
as well, and brownies and nothing is better than nothing). James and
his friend drank my last two cans of Mist with a Twist (a Mountain Dew
clone), and I am angry. I'm going to have to talk to him about that
when he comes back. He didn't even drink all of it. He drank about
half of it and left the other half sitting in a glass. Yeez!
Later: Cool, Episkopos Al put up the Expanding Foam Dinosaur
award I awarded to Hyperdiscordia as per his "Certainly,
HyperDiscordia deserves some kind of award for that." remark of
Discord 25, 3164, refering to HyperDiscordia's resemblance to an
expanding foam dinosaur (not in those words, obviously). Go to the What's
Really New page to see the award in all its glory. I got the
dinosaur from some site of dinosaur illustrations in Australia. I lost
the URL. I'm really sorry. I would love to credit the illustration
site but I can't find it again. Iguanadon is such a great dinosaur,
don't you think?
Sat May 02 1998 12:00:
Adam thinks I should
skip getting a 4-track and instead do my recording direct onto
computer. There are numerous mixing programs for Linux, but I'd need
to get a better sound card and more RAM if I were to go that
route. But I could use that technology, and the accompanying frogs,
for non-recording computing tasks. It would probably also be cheaper
than getting a 4-track, and I would be able to do more funky stuff
So I have no idea when OMP!(25K-4)YOPPO
will crawl out of the primordial muck into reality. If it looks like
it's gonna take a while I'll cook up another low-fi karaoke machine
bonanza for a summer release in the style of the It's Only
Ketchup/It's Only Mountain Dew Jake side-split. I don't know what
the word on IOK/IOMD is; we sent Jake the tapes but I have yet to hear
So here's what's taking shape. Adam and
Kris have expressed interest in being a real part of this album, yea,
even being actual members of The Open Standards Band. Adam is going to
play guitar on Talking Embrace and Extend Blues and my
Metallica-bashfest Gravedigger, which song impressed Adam so
much with its relentless satirizing of Metallica's inane lyrics that
he voluntarily crawled out of the festering pit of Metallica worship
(true story!). I need him to do that because Gravedigger
includes an excessively long heavy metal guitar solo, and heavy metal
guitar solos are not my forte, but they are Adam's. Adam also wants to
collaborate on a song with me, and I want him to play Satan's Son
Stole My Girlfriend and Crummy, which will entertwine him
even further with the album. Kris has the keyboards for the Mentos
parodies, and will probably be doing even more stuff. So what's
happening is that OMP!(25-K)YOPPO is turning into a monster beyond my
control. With the updated recording hardware (whatever that may be)
and the collaboration of other musicians on the album, the threat of
it becoming an actual independant album release becomes very real, and
we all know which road that leads down (hint: ______ is paved with
I wrote another blues song today. It's more
of a grunge-bluegrass thing, actually. It's called Saccharine
Hillbilly Bluegrass Blues and so far it just goes "Saccharine
Hillbilly Bluegrass Blues, I'm not gonna stand here and watch you
lose." I may put in more lyrics, I may not.
Bluegrass is cool. I dig that whole
bluegrass/hillbilly thing. It's hard to be pretentious when your
instruments are banjos and mandolins and fiddles. The blues are great,
too. They're too corny to be pretentious.
I've written several blues songs. I wrote
Talking Embrace and Extend Blues after being inspired by the
talking blues songs on the Bob Dylan bootlegs Mrs. Irby lent me which
I need to return, and I want to write some talking blues songs the
names of which are lame puns, such as Talking Dirty Blues and
About Willis Blues. I improvised a blues song once called
The Meta-Blues which went something like "I'm so sick of the
blues, baby, so sick I could scream (2x)/I hope tomorrow I wake up and
realize it was all a bad dream. I got the meta-blues, baby, and the
meta-blues got me (2x)/I want to rock and roll, and lose control, but
these blues, they won't set me free." I wrote a blues-ish song called
I Got Soul, Dammit which explores the protective attitude of
numerous people towards that ephermeal quality known as "soul". The
Bourbonwitha Twist and Suckered and Stoned both use a sort
of blues progression, although I guess they fall more into the
category of swing, and Get
Down Or Die was designed to copy the sanitized teen
blues-ripoff rock of the 1950s created by record company executives so
that the youth of America wouldn't be dancing to music played by black
Anyway, back to the recording
discussion. Expect something out in summer, but not neccessarily
OMP!(25K-4)YOPPO. OMP!(25K-4)YOPPO will be the high-quality tape that
Mrs. Irby has been bugging me about making. I don't know what will be
on the interim tape.
Sun May 03 1998 12:00:
I just whipped up a
little mail-viewer CGI so I can just dump mail messages into the mail
directory and the CGI will format them the way my mail messages are
formatted. Whee. Try it out. Go to the pail
I updated the Transformer Evolution
page with emails from Adam and Jake.
Wed May 06 1998 12:00:
Wee-hoo. Lots of new stuff. The amount of homework I have due tomorrow
and Friday that I haven't done is astounding.
Check it out. We have a new employee in the
PC group at MAP. Her name is Nina Garcia. Not to be confused with Tina
Garcia, whom I went to high school with.
You know those ads for the Godzilla movie?
I saw a bus ad the other day and it said "His foot is as long as his
bus." But today I saw two other bus ads and they said "His jaw is as
long as his bus." and "His foot is as long as this sign." (the sign
was about half the length of the bus) Did I misread the first sign, or
did they suddenly shrink the length of Godzilla's foot by a factor of
two? If size matters so much, why can't they get it right the first
time? Also, how do they do magazine advertising for that movie? "His
thumbnail is as big as this page."?
There are also billboard Godzilla
ads. There is the foot one and one that says "His head is as tall as
this sign." Judging from the signs, Godzilla is one oddly-proportioned
guy. Here's my conception of Godzilla, based on what I have gathered
from the ads.
I think they might be trying to cash in on
the Far Side cartoon in which Godzilla is stymied by a sign
saying "You must be at least this tall to attack Tokyo."
I like Gamera better than Godzilla,
anyway. Gamera has a good heart.
Also, why is the flag at half-mast today?
is strange today. I've never seen the stupid Taco Bell chihuahua, and
I'm glad. Dave Winer is pretty cool, but he tends to like things I
would never, ever like.
I'm in the CSUA lab right now typing on one
of the SGI machines. It's got a nice big monitor. The desktop is
really weird though. Mp3s of the Doors are being played. The Doors bug
the heck out of me. I should probably go look at my CS180 and CS51
homework, since it's in postscript format and I can't view postscript
at home. I really oughta get my printer set up w/Linux.
Jake sent me an inspirational [cellular]
pep talk the other day. I don't know if I want to put it up on the
page or hoard it to myself, though. There's a mail I sent to Mike Rust
the other day regarding my plans for LYH and Crummy which I need to
reprint or expound on, as well. Anyway, time to think about going to
Later: I just had this hilarious image of Dali sending
Picasso the same postcard year after year. And Picasso runs out to the
mailbox and reads the postcard and thinks "Aw, crap, it's the oysters
postcard again.". Then I guess he'd call up Dali on the phone and ask
him if he had Prince Albert in a Can or something. You know what? They
actually have Prince Albert in a Can at the
Thrifty^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HRite Aid. It's chewing tobacco. I never knew
what it was.
We are officially out of food. I should be
able to squeak by until Friday on stuff from the SEAS Cafe, then my
mother is going to take me home for the weekend and we'll get more food
then. James seems to be able to live on Hamburger Helper and soup. I
tried an experiment of not getting groceries to see if I could get him
to get a whole bunch of stuff, but for three weeks all he's brought
home is enough Hamburger Helper and hamburger and soup and milk to
make it through another week. The experiment must now end, as there is
no more food, and, like Jeff Lynne, I need food to live. The bright
side is that when I get food, James doesn't seem to eat much of it. Just
the macaroni and cheese and, of course, the Helper. He doesn't touch
my cereal or... argh, I'm forgetting what food there even is. Help me,
Spock! Help me!
David has his own food too, in case you
Oh yeah, I have a second job now. I am
tutoring Peter Hodgson, a professor of Russian Literature, in the ways
of Linux. It's just a couple hours a week, but it's good pocket
money. He's got a system which is really cool, in which all his email
and all his ideas are kept in a database. When we have our meetings
he'll open up an emacs buffer and keep notes of everything. I'd like
to have a system like that.
Fri May 08 1998 12:00:
Wang's lawsuit against Netscape has been dismissed. Hooray.
I bought a copy of Learning GNU
Emacs today at the bookstore. I'm going home for the weekend and I
want something to read. It looks cool. Plus, chicks dig a guy with a
copy of Learning GNU Emacs. That's what Adam says, anyway. Hey,
wait a minute! Adam is a vi user! I've ben gypped!
The Godzilla plot thickens. Kris claims to
have seen a television commercial in which Godzilla's foot comes down,
Monty Python style, and crushes a full-scale reconstruction of
a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton. He estimates that Godzilla's foot
is about 4/3 the length of the skeleton. This would put the foot
length at (as a guess) 80 feet, much longer than either a city bus or the
ad on such a bus (see the 5/06 entry).
This constant Godzilla size revisionism
must stop. Are moviegoers going to appreciate a Godzilla who
fluctuates from being really, really, really big to just really,
really big? No! They won't stand for it! The American consumer demands
a Godzilla of constant size! It's time to let our voices be heard! Send me an email of support and
I'll add your name to the following petition:
THE FOLLOWING PETITION
To the presidents of Toho Co., Ltd. and TriStar Pictures
The American cinema has a long and
honorable tradition. In addition to purely domestic films, many
foreign films, remakes of foreign films, and American-made films based
on foreign stories have seen success in the bijous of this great
country. It is in the interest of mantaining this tradition that we,
the movie-goers of this nation, submit this petition to you, regarding
Godzilla, star of the upcoming Tri-Star motion picture
The motto of the movie seems to be "Size
Does Matter". And indeed Americans like their heroes to be bigger than
life. However, the advertisements for the movie contradict each other
unequivocably on the matter of Godzilla's actual size. Our best
estimates of Godzilla's height, for instance, place him at being
anywhere from 40 to 300 meters tall. This public misinformation
campaign must stop. There is a place for suspense and secrecy in the
movie business, but when it comes to Godzilla's relative proportions,
the public has a right to not be kept in the dark by uninformative and
misleading advertising campaigns.
We request the following:
- Change all Godzilla promotional advertising to reflect
Godzilla's actual (on-screen) size and relative proportions.
- File a report with the American National Standards Institute
detailing a hypothetical (real) Godzilla's size and relative
proportions, and pledge not to deviate from them during
- Don't let Godzilla suck.
Our demands are few and easily met. We
thank you for your attention.
Tue May 12 1998 12:00:
Time for another
update. I got a bunch of books over the weekend from the used
bookstore. I got 3001: The Final Odyssey, which was a big
disappointment; The Elements of Artificial Intelligence: An
Introduction Using LISP, which is interesting; The
Simarillion, continuing my tradition of getting cheap Tolkien
paperbacks at used bookstores; and a two-volume set of Steven Jay
Gould, The Panda's Thumb and The Mismeasure of Man, both
of which would have cost me $14 apiece, but which I got for $12 total
for huge savings. There is a cute panda
cartoon on the back of The Panda's Thumb. I have no idea
what Louis Agassiz's statue is doing on the grounds of Stanford. I
guess it's not doing much, anymore.
I also got the soundtrack album to Frank
Motels. It's really rockin', man.
Oh, I have a Zappa story to tell. I went to
this sidewalk record sale for Rhino Records, which is down on
Westwood. And I was hunting around and I found a Zappa album. And I
said "All right, Zappa!" cause it was a good find. And this old
musician-type guy was next to me, probably about 40, and he looked
over at my album and he said "Frank Zappa and the Mothers of
Invention." with this sinusoidal intonation that hit its maximum on
the syllables "Zap", "Moth", and "vent". And you could tell that this
guy knew the score, just by the way he said "Frank Zappa and the
Mothers of Invention.". You can't fake that kind of thing. I still
haven't heard the album, though. I don't have a record player.
I scanned Atlas Shilled on Saturday,
but apparantly I only uploaded the first two scans. Here is Panel 0 and Panel 1. The guy in the cap is Kris and
the guy who kicks sand in Kris' face is Adam.
Wed May 13 1998 12:00:
Oh, the pain. Godzilla's
dimensions just become more and more confused. I saw two new ads
today. "His claw [not jaw, not foot] is as long as this bus." and,
over by the Mormon temple, "He's taller than the Mormon temple.". It
occurs to me that I could give the Expanding Foam Dinosaur award to
"A room and a meal and a garbage disposal,
a lawn and a hose'll be strictly genteel." -Frank Zappa's Strictly
Thu May 14 1998 12:00:
I can't think of
anything to say right now. I just put stuff up there. Read it.
Sat May 16 1998 12:00:
Hi. Kris says that he
saw part of the Godzilla script on the net and that Godzilla
actually grows during the course of the movie, qualifying him
completely for The Expanding Foam Dinosaur Award. This, of course,
invalidates the advertising campaign totally. If Godzilla's size
increases over time, what kind of excitement is supposed to be
generated by the statement that some part of his body is a certain
size? When is it that size? Postulating a size zero at Godzilla's
conception, and projecting into infinity whatever growth pattern
Godzilla exhibits in the movie, we can see that any part of Godzilla's
body will take on every discreet measurement of every dimension at
some time or another. Why should we care?
This is freaky. I want to see the 200
Motels movie. Adam wants to see it too. We're probably going to
rent it when he moseys on over today, if he ever does. Now, Adam
doesn't live in LA. He lives in the Valley, land of the
white-flighters. Furthermore, Adam has not seen 200
Motels. Yet, given the name of a video rental place in Westwood,
where I live and where UCLA is, Adam can tell you whether or not that
place has 200 Motels. He does not make a guess as to whether or
not they are likely to have it, he knows. He says it's because
he frequents the cult movie section, where 200 Motels is or is
not, and he likes the cover so he notices it when it is there, but I
I designed a circuit for CS51A which takes
a binary number in the range 0-9 and controls a seven-segment LCD
display to display the corresponding decimal digit. It uses 16 NOR
gates. It's really cool. I never liked CS51A until I got that circuit
to work. I still don't like it, actually. But man, that circuit is
cool. I doubt you would think it was cool, though, since you didn't
The Kris-Adam-Leonard entity is working on
a rock opera (not the rock opera mentioned in my bio page, which is a
separate animal and a solo project) called His Own
Platters. Adam doesn't know about this yet, actually, but he'll
find out soon enough. It's about the TGI Friday's concoction called
Jack Platters, which we're not even sure what they are, and how they
are hyped beyond all reason. It begun, as might be expected, with one
of our songwriting compacts, in which each person was required to
write a song about Jack Platters. The opera tells of Jack and how he
becomes disillusioned with his platters. I'll do a His Own
Platters page eventually, but here's the outline:
- I forgot the name of the first track, but it has a really long
name. It's a parody of Hot Blooded by Foreigner, in which "Hot
blooded" is replaced with "Jack Platters", among other things. It's
meant to be a terribly written advertising jingle. Kris wrote it.
- Second track is called Jack's Lament, in which Jack bemoans
having created the platters. I wrote this.
- The third track is called Fired or equivelant, and in it
Jack is fired by the antagonist of the story, the greedy Boss who
wants to sell as many Jack Platters as possible, and damn the
consequences. We're going to make Adam write it.
- The fourth track is Citizens, Heed the Call to Action!,
which I am writing. It's a rousing march in which Jack attempts to
recruit the local citizenry in his fight against the platters he has
created, but gives up when the local citizenry begins trying to turn
the song into a forum for their own pet conspiracy theories. Jack is
eventually run out of town by angry citizens crying "We don't want
people like you marrying out daughters, picking out tomatoes, picking
up our slack/You've got what it takes to oppress the indigenous
masses, but when it comes to platters, pal, you don't know
jack!". There's also an amusing part in which one paranoid citizen
calls out "What about the flying Jack Platters that crashed in Roswell
- In the fifth track, probably called Confronting the Boss,
Jack, well, confronts the Boss. Kris will probably do this.
- And in the final track, Jack Triumphant, the platters are
defeated and Jack celebrates. We'll probably do something mean to him
at the end, though, like have him get run over by a steamroller or
fall victim to salmonella. Either Adam will do this himself or we'll
all pitch in on it.
Another thing that came out of the TGI
Friday's discussion pertains to the commercial in which a businessman
does dull office work and remarks to the camera, "It's Monday.", then
enters a TGI Friday's and declares "It's Friday!", before doing a
stupid little dance which Kris' brother has adopted. "It's
Tuesday. It's Friday!". And so on. Eventually it's going to come to
Friday, and it'll be "It's Friday. It's Friday!". Then it'll show him
working in the garden. "It's Saturday. It's Friday!" Then sitting in
church. "It's Sunday. It's Friday!" And around we go. It never stops
for this poor guy. He and his wife must be terrible cooks.
For all his faults,
he loves his
Queen, Adam has correctly pointed out that the Atlas
Shilled cartoons are in a pathetic state, to say the
least. Neither of the two panels I did upload can be viewed in the
totality of their pagan splendor. Complete rescanning will have to be
Sun May 17 1998 12:00:
Did I mention that
Godzilla is completely insane? Okay, just so you know.
The people outside my bedroom are having a
block party. Loud rap music is being played. Annoyingus maximus.
Today I represented at Coffee Junction
again with Adam. And, amazingly enough, Sharon (the Coffee Junction
lady) offered me a gig there. I'll be playing on July 23 I
believe. It's actually a two-hour thing with both Adam and I, so we
may be appearing as one act. Pretty cool.
The time has come to once again worry about
school stuff. I have two midterms next week and finals loom on the
Adam and I rented 200 Motels last
night. It was faaaaabulous. The coolest part is this one-second shot
during a dance number in which Theodore Bikel aka Rance Muhammitz has
a fake hose with fake cardboard water coming out of it and he's
twirling it around like he's watering the lawn. The newts (which the
lad searches the night for) are awesome, as well. So far I've watched
it four times. Already phrases from 200 Motels are appearing in
our vocabulary, phrases such as "You took the mystery x! You were in
full posession of... the x!"; phrases like "swell", and "So's your old
Wed May 20 1998 12:00:
It's Days of Defiance
here at UCLA. Come on down to Days of Defiance. Free hot dogs for the
The theme today was vaudeville. Kris and I
did a bit called Addicted to Vaudeville in which I played a man
accused of embezzlement and Kris my lawyer.
Addicted to Vaudeville
Kris: Your honor, my client is clearly obsessed with vaudeville. He
was in no proper state of mind at the time to have committed the
Leonard [singing]: Ya da da, yadada da da da...
Kris: Even now, he sings those songs of yesteryear.
Leonard: Say Mr. Straub, it seems that that's a new suit you're
[Real vaudeville music starts playing.]
Kris: It certainly is, Mr. Richardson. [Gets hat and cane from
Leonard: How'd you get the money to pay for that suit?
Kris: I sent an innocent man to jail! [rim shot]
Both [singing]: Ya da da, yadada da da da...
Then I got Kris to draw the mutated lizard
who's won the hearts of theatre-goers everwhere, Vaudvilla. His cane
is as long as this bus. I'll scan him when and if I go home this
weekend. We had lots of fun doing the Godzilla roar while doing the
happy little vaudeville dance.
I read somewhere on the net that the people
who did the new Godzilla didn't give him radioactive breath because it
was too unrealistic. Excuse me? Radioactive breath is out but sudden
size changes are okay? Not to mention that at maximal size Godzilla
would collapse under his own weight? Yeesh.
Later: I was bored, and had just done some sprucing up of my
system, so I figured I'd get a screen grab of the login-motd-fortune
thing I set up. One thing led to another, and I did an around the world thing. Actually,
around Los Angeles County, and then only because of Sampo. All the
other machines are within a half-mile radius of each other.
I just got email from Adam saying that his
brother saw Godzilla, and that Godzilla does not actually grow
during the course of the movie. They just got the proportions
consistently and totally wrong. Adam also says that his brother says
the movie sucks. In the same fetchmail run, I got this extra-disturbing message from
Kris. "See saucy Marla
Pennington trip her tongue with Dick Christie!" No. Just no.
My sendmail daemon doesn't seem to be
working. Oh darn. I'm going to have to change the thing I did to it
today to make rubberfish boot faster.
By the way, yesterday Kris wrote an email
to KCAL News about how stoplights are not a place at which you have a
large amount of personal privacy, and they read it on the air and Kris
was commended by Larry Elder,
which was pretty cool.
Later still: I'm trying out my start page, which might save
me the time I spend typing URLs. I just took mental note of all the
URLs I type frequently and put them on one page. We'll see how
well it works.
This week is the 25th anniversiary of
Ethernet. Happy birthday Ethernet. Whee.
Oh my goodness. Check this out. If you do
search for "microsoft", the Crummy main page is hit #27. That's 27
out of 8476638.
I didn't Altavista "microsoft" myself to
find that out, by the way. I found that in our referer logs.
Come see Adam at Coffee Junction tomorrow,
everybody! Go to Kris' weird
Xi Guard page for info.
Michael was bitching about my .sig, so I
made a new one that takes up less
bandwidth and is less annoying. Now, my .sig is lightly scented with
 Actually, that's a lie.
Fri May 22 1998 12:00:
Yesterday and today the
theme was Small Wonder, arguably the worst of the bad '80s
sitcoms. We tore apart Vicki the incredibly inaccurate and poorly
designed robot, then picked up on her habit of taking the last part of
someone's sentence and doing something kind of related to those
words. I think the set of actions we defined was: spin around, heat
up, lift someone up, magnetize an aluminum (?!?!) can, and fly by the
arm-flapping method. We did numerous other things as well. This was
one of my contributions (the all caps parts are supposed to represent
Connected to vicki.fox.com
Escape character is '^]'.
Welcome to Vicki
[rlawson@Vicki rlawson] ls
Vicki: ELL ESS. [begins spinning around]
+ Stopped ls
[rlawson@Vicki rlawson] cat linus.au /dev/audio
Vicki: DEV AUDIO. [begins to heat up]
+ Stopped cat linus.au /dev/audio
And so on.
Inevitably the Small Wonder schtick was
combined with the vaudeville schtick, and we all performed vaudeville
as Vicki. YA TA TA TA TA TA. YA TA TA TA TA TA. So, Vicki, I hear
you manage a baseball team. BASEBALL TEAM. They give the
players very unusual names these days, or so I hear. YA TA TA
TA-- No, not yet!
Yesterday we went to Coffee Junction yet
again to hear Adam play. I made a videotape of the event. Today we're
going yet yet again to see Marcella play the piano. Whee.
Today I took what I believe to be the
easiest midterm I have ever taken. Each problem had instructions on
how to do it. Yeesh. I finished in half an hour.
Later: We went to see Marcella. Man, she was really
rockin'. And what a babe. My, my. Adam, here's the link to Jake's
page. I lent Adam my crup tapes to listen to.
Mon May 25 1998 12:00:
Agh. OK, I'm gonna
start moving everything over to CSUA. I have some cartoons I
scanned today up there already. At first it'll just be the standard
LYH stuff. Once I get out of school I'll do a redesign and put the
Crummy stuff up. I'm acting early on this because I want some time for
Sampo to redirect to the new address.
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