One hundred amazing facts about Jake Berendes!
  1. Jake Berendes can spit flames 300 feet!
  2. Jake Berendes occurs naturally in Florida, Zimbabwe, Argentina, and many parts of the former Soviet Union!
  3. Jake Berendes can eat nine Snickers bars in a minute!
  4. Jake Berendes can assume the form of a shark at will!
  5. Jake Berendes was the original Eddie Munster!
  6. Jake Berendes is over twenty feet tall! Ten feet tall. Five feet tall.
  7. Jake Berendes is made entirely of abandoned milk cartons! His face is the face of a child pronounced missing in 1983!
  8. Jake Berendes has never eaten with Pat Conway... or met anyone who has!
  9. Jake Berendes is protected by the Endangered Species Act of 1993!
  10. You don't deserve to be Jake Berendes! In fact, Jake Berendes doesn't deserve to be Jake Berendes!
  11. Jake Berendes is older than the stars!
  12. Jake Berendes is a registered trademark of AT&T!
  13. Jake Berendes once paid $5 to kick Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the butt!
  14. From the age of 6 until the age of 8, Jake Berendes drank nothing but apple juice!
  15. Jake Berendes is void where prohibited!
  16. Jake Berendes can't help but stop and smell the roses!
  17. Jake Berendes is eternally condemned to walk the earth in the form of Mario from "Super Mario Brothers"!
  18. Jake Berendes has seen "Peggy Sue Got Married" 222 times!
  19. Jake Berendes has the same initials as Joan Baez and Jimmy Bryant!
  20. Due to relativistic time dilation effects, Jake Berendes never knows what time it is!
  21. Jake Berendes is not avaliable in any store!
  22. Jake Berendes is deadly on the mike!
  23. Jake Berendes has every X-Men comic book ever printed! Not one copy, _every_ one!
  24. Jake Berendes' real name is Jesse Berendes!
  25. Jake Berendes has no liver! Spots.
  26. Jake Berendes will whistle until the cows come home!
  27. Jake Berendes categorizes his records in numerical order!
  28. Jake Berendes can see inside your head!
  29. Jake Berendes defended himself at his own court-martial!
  30. Jake Berendes slips copies of "Popular Mechanics" inside copies of "Nature" so it looks like he's reading "Nature" but he's actually reading "Popular Mechanics"!
  31. Jake Berendes is always ready for a wild and exciting encounter!
  32. By day, Jake Berendes sheds his superhero identity and becomes mild-mannered Jake Berendes!
  33. Jake Berendes still thinks Mikey from the Life cereal commercials ate Pop Rocks and drank soda and his head exploded!
  34. Jake Berendes wields a mechanical pencil with deadly accuracy!
  35. Jake Berendes is the subject of a bizarre government coverup!
  36. When Jake Berendes shaves, the whole world shaves with him!
  37. Contrary to popular belief, Jake Berendes is not related to Ted Koppel!
  38. It takes six miles of cable and twenty-two technicians to operate Jake Berendes!
  39. Jake Berendes does not mind waiting in line!
  40. Jake Berendes contains valuable nickel deposits!
  41. Jake Berendes records sound checks and calls it music!
  42. Jake Berendes puts ketchup on his eggs!
  43. Jake Berendes is a devout Quaker!
  44. Jake Berendes is not on this tape!
  45. When asked about his future plans, Jake Berendes said, "I plan to make some."
  46. Jake Berendes was born that way!
  47. Jake Berendes cannot spell the word "motor"!
  48. Jake Berendes may be called upon at any moment to save the world from small, harmless grass snakes! This is what his beeper is for!
  49. A Gallup poll shows Jake Berendes' approval rating holding steady at 62%!
  50. Jake Berendes sells ointment on the side!
  51. Jake Berendes types only five words per minute!
  52. Jake Berendes has been confined to sickbay until further notice!
  53. Jake Berendes is the world's greatest janitor!
  54. Before this decade is out, we will send Jake Berendes to the moon, and bring him safely back to earth!
  55. Jake Berendes does not autograph baseballs!
  56. Jake Berendes is strong to the finish when he eats his spinach!
  57. Jake Berendes is brought to you by a grant from the Mobil corporation!
  58. Jake Berendes will not be undersold!
  59. If Jake Berendes is taken internally, do not induce vomiting!
  60. Jake Berendes believes in pixies!
  61. Jake Berendes believes in The Pixies!
  62. Jake Berendes believes in Pixy Stix!
  63. Jake Berendes enjoys a visit to the dry cleaners!
  64. When cornered, Jake Berendes will tug at his forelock!
  65. Jake Berendes posesses bilateral symmetry!
  66. Jake Berendes can cause nosebleeds in others!
  67. Jake Berendes won't stand down from the funk!
  68. Jake Berendes drank Canada Dry!
  69. Jake Berendes unilaterally refuses to quit his day job!
  70. The song "Raspberry Beret" is about Jake Berendes, a paper clip, and a telephone!
  71. Jake Berendes is an organism!
  72. If he could, Jake Berendes would burn down every hotel/casino in Las Vegas!
  73. Jake Berendes does chicken right!
  74. Jake Berendes is beyond human emotion!
  75. Jake Berendes resembles a kitchen mop with gasoline pumps for arms!
  76. Jake Berendes is spelled "Jake Berendes"!
  77. When the moon is full, Jake Berendes goes out to look at the moon!
  78. Jake Berendes is Australian for beer!
  79. Jake Berendes is merely the intersection in four-dimensional spacetime of an eleven-dimensional candy bar!
  80. Jake Berendes sees Europe on two dollars a day!
  81. Some call him the Jake cowboy, some call him the Berendes of love!
  82. Jake Berendes is made of a single cell!
  83. Jake Berendes purifies your air while you sleep!
  84. It's cat and mouse with the Duke Boys when Jake Berendes careens out of control!
  85. Jake Berendes brings procrastination to new heights!
  86. Jake Berendes is now appearing live at the Kern County Fairgrounds!
  87. Although incapable of bilocation, Jake Berendes is adept at location!
  88. Jake Berendes reads books that haven't been written yet!
  89. Jake Berendes is the head of a sinister conspiracy!
  90. Jake Berendes is the Channel 2 lady!
  91. Jake Berendes films his own attack!
  92. Even Jake Berendes cannot control fate!
  93. Jake Berendes requires, selects, then indicates!
  94. Jake Berendes' motto is "Jake Berendes' motto is"!
  95. The spirit of Jake Berendes resides in Elvis impersonators the world over!
  96. Jake Berendes can now be found in every box of Rice Crispies!
  97. Jake Berendes' drive-thru pork and beans stand was a miserable failure!
  98. They call him Jakey B!
  99. Ironically, Jake Berendes was once West Covina-ed!
  100. When they say "The envelope, please," Jake Berendes is that envelope!

This document (source) is part of Crummy, the webspace of Leonard Richardson (contact information). It was last modified on Friday, August 06 2004, 18:07:56 Nowhere Standard Time and last built on Friday, October 24 2014, 18:00:05 Nowhere Standard Time.

Crummy is © 1996-2014 Leonard Richardson. Unless otherwise noted, all text licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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