I Screw Up Everything I Touch
Copyright 1997 Leonard Richardson (01/20/1997, 02/04/97)
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[Music:]
I'm expressing this in tabs even though it's mostly just power chords
because there's some modified power chords (7-7-7 and the catchy bit) that
are really important to the song that need to be tabbed.

Soft part (Intro, between verses, the announcer bit)
-----9------9-------11------
---7---7---9-----11----11-0-
-7-------7-----9------------

Loud part (Verses, first parts of chorus)
-9-9-9-7-9-9-9-    -9-11-11-11-11-7-7-
-7-7-7-7-9-9-9- 3x -9-11-11-11-11-7-7-
-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-    -7-9--9--9--9--5-5-

Weird catchy part
-----8---------
-9-9-9-------8-
-9-9-9-7-9-9-9-
-7-7-7-7-9-9-9-
-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-

Everything that's not one of these (the first verse, "and beat me with the
bass", the solo) is a variation on these. The variations are easy to figure
out if you listen to a recording.

[Lyrics:]
I tied a pair of handcuffs
Out of one-eighth-inch drip tubing
It was a whole lot better than those Chinese finger puzzles you can buy
I showed it to the villagers
And they were all astounded
They heralded me as a goddess even though I was a guy

[Chorus:]
I got a black eye and now it's suitable for framing
Though no one's ever cared that much
Sweet woman, I want to be your lover
But I screw up
I screw up everything I touch
I screw up everything I touch [Repeat]

They made me nurse their children
Who all died from malnutrition
And then they got real mad at me and ran me out of town
So I built a racing speedway
Out of "MADE IN THE USA!" drip tubing
I thought I'd marry a cute little trailer-trash chick and settle down

I hired a three-piece band
Called Spaghetti for Breakfast
And they played between the intermissions and after every race
And after the first show I told them
"Hey, you guys were really rockin', man."
And they plugged me into the amplifier and beat me with the bass

[Chorus]

And the promo goes

[The Announcer Bit:]
[Yelled in the stereotypical speedway announcer voice.]
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Watch my fragile ego crash and burn! See Big Bill
Davis drive his monster truck into the audience and the attack of the
FUNNY MIDGET CARS FROM _HEEEEEECK_!!!

[Solo]

I finally got a sponsor
It's Mendocino County
Pet Pharmacy and Basque Cusine and Drip Tubing Supply
They held a big press conference,
Talked about my dedication,
And said they'd back me up with green until the day I die

Well the fortune teller told me
I'd croak when I was 21
And I smiled and pressed some shiny tinfoil into her wizened hand
Well now I'm pushing 30
And I never figured that one out
But as I write these words I think I finally understand
I understand

[Chorus]