TITLE Attack of the the Jake's Birthday Party

Jake's Birthday Party

Copyright 1998 Leonard Richardson

[Note: If you know the folk song that goes "I have a dear old daddy/For whom I nightly pray/He has a set of whiskers/That are always in the way/Oh, they're always in the way/They're always in the way/They hide the dirt on daddy's shirt/They're always in the way", that's pretty much how this song goes.]

  1. My name is Jake Berendes
    They call me Jakey B.
    I format my agendas
    When I get up to pee

    When I get up to pee
    When I get up to pee
    I format my agendas
    When I get up to pee

  2. I live in Massachusetts
    I'm kind of hard to miss
    I'd tell you more about me
    But ignorance is bliss

    But ignorance is bliss &tc.

  3. Those aren't my invitations
    I don't know why you're here
    But make yourselves comfy and
    I'll get us all a beer

  4. My name is Alice Toklas
    My friend is Gertrude Stein
    With big ol' goofy hairdos
    We party all the time

  5. Now ladies, don't get heavy
    Please sit a while and chat
    Would you like some brownies?
    There's normal and low fat

  6. Although I wouldn't like to face
    A large and angry crowd
    I've had it up to here with this
    These people are too loud

  7. The party's kind of rowdy
    I've dealt with this before
    I'll get some punch and stuff but
    There's someone at the door

  8. We are the Action News Team
    We come from Channel 2
    The women all wear pink, it's
    The girly thing to do

  9. We all march in formation
    We're tough and won't relent
    We'd like to ask you questions
    About this grand event

  10. My name is Jake Berendes
    I do not have a clue
    As to what this party is
    Or what these people do

  11. You stupid little bastard
    You cannot fool us
    We know you planned this party
    Mr. Berendus

  12. Let's take away his glasses
    Let's kick him in the shins
    Let's hit him with a stuffed racoon
    Right where his thigh begins

  13. My name is Barbara Walters
    Reporting from the scene
    My tiny little headset
    Is like a lima bean

  14. My outfit is astounding
    My earrings are supreme
    But as for the occasion
    I cannot see a thing

  15. Hey people I'm the MC
    Our guest of honor here
    Is mister Jake Berendes
    He's over there--oh dear!

  16. Please move aside, you cretins
    You almost knocked him out
    We need Björk to come here
    And give him mouth-to-mouth

  17. Now Jacob, won't you come here
    And take your rightful place
    For as the guest of honor
    You must pick up the Pace (New York City!)

  18. I'd like to introduce now
    Our great celebrities
    They're gonna form a panel
    Untie the first one, please

  19. My name is William Shatner
    I'm TV's Captain Kirk
    I tried to crash the party
    It didn't really work

  20. My name is Mr. Rogers
    I'm happy to report
    My use of hunting rifles
    Is classified as sport

  21. My name is Jimi Hendrix
    I curse my lucky star
    Some stupid with a flare gun
    Is burning my guitar

  22. My name is Richard Simmons
    I've had it with you squares
    I go on infomercials
    And hawk my groovy wares

  23. My name is Chilly Willy
    It freaking isn't Tux
    I'm not the Linux penguin
    I'm from Woody Woodpecker

  24. Now Jake, we have a question
    Who would you like to see
    Covered in Pepto Bismol
    And elbowed in the knee?

  25. I'll make a slight digression
    Outside the box, I think
    I'd choose those freaks from Channel
    2, they're already pink

  26. This ringing in my ears it
    Will not leave me alone
    I suppose it might help if
    I went and got the phone

  27. Hi Jake, yeah, this is Leonard
    I'm sorry I forgot
    Your birthday, I was held up by
    An evil Commie plot

  28. With flouride in our water
    Godzilla on the screen
    They planned to make the US
    A communist regime

  29. Along with Richard Feynman
    I fought them valliantly
    And so our recent danger
    Is over. QED.

  30. So Jake, be glad I saved you
    And the whole USA
    I've got some stuff to do now
    So see you soon, OK?

  31. You folks are all so nifty
    I'm really glad you came
    If Jacob were coherent
    I'm sure he'd say the same

  32. A question for the panel
    The lady in the front
    She asks of Mr. Rogers
    What is it that you hunt?

  33. I hunt for wandering eggplants
    Departed from their nests
    And herds of wild berries at
    The government's behest

  34. To Mr. William Shatner
    Is it really true
    That on the set with Nimoy
    You drank a pint of glue?

  35. A wealth of information
    Has shown it to be false
    For on the set with Nimoy
    I danced the "Minute Waltz"

  36. And finally, for the penguin
    The flightless little bird
    How does it feel to be the pride
    Of every geek and nerd?

  37. I'm not the Linux pengiun
    I'm Chilly Willy, folks
    And those who can't distinguish
    Twixt he and I are dolts

  38. Well that concludes our panel
    And now before they go
    Let's all rev up our elbows
    And ready the Pepto

  39. Ow, ow, ow, splat
    Ow, ow, ow, spat
    Ow, ow, ow, splat
    Ow, splat, ow, splat

  40. Well folks, the scene is shocking
    As Action News has learned
    We've got it all on tape so watch
    For it on Howard Stern

  41. Repulsed by this preversion
    We must not leave the jake
    We're filming every minute
    For journalism's sake

  42. But film is running out and
    Our makeup's fading fast
    And so we leave Jake Manor
    With relics from the past (We swiped stuff from his nightstand)

  43. Well folks that was exciting
    Some hurtful, messy fun
    But keep your panties on cause
    The party's just begun

  44. And now for our guest speaker
    I'd like to introduce
    Mr. Eric Raymond of
    The Order Of The Moose

  45. My name is Eric Raymond, with
    The blessing of our host
    I will discuss the methods
    Of buttering one's toast

  46. Now some folks take the knife and
    Spread butter on the bread
    And this I call the method
    Of falling out of bed

  47. But if you take the toast first
    And rub it on the pat
    Of butter, that's the method
    Of affidaviat [sic]

  48. Now are there any questions?
    I'll have to make it fast
    For time is swiftly fleeting
    And it can never last

  49. Oh Mr. Eric Raymond
    I've asked you this before
    But how did you come up with
    That freaky metaphor?

  50. It's very, very simple
    To simple to explain
    Now if you'll all excuse me
    I have to catch a train

  51. Well that was just amazing
    Let's give him all a hand
    And now I'm proud to introduce
    The Richard Stallman Band

  52. Come on now and share the software
    You'll be free, hackers
    You'll be free
    Come on now and share the software

  53. You'll be free, hackers
    You'll be free
    Hoarders can make piles of money
    This is true, hackers

  54. This is true
    But they cannot help their neighbors
    That's not good, hackers
    That's not good

  55. When we've got enough free software
    At our call, hackers
    At our call
    We'll throw out those dirty licenses

  56. Evermore, hackers
    Evermore
    Come on now and share the software
    You'll be free, hackers

  57. You'll be free
    Come on now and share the software
    You'll be free, hackers
    You'll be free

  58. Enough with these weird in-jokes
    It's more than I can take
    I thought this was a party
    A party for the jake

  59. Well hold on mister, hold it
    It's not for you to say
    What we do or don't do
    On Jacob's special day

  60. A party's not a party
    Without some party games
    Let's beat and poke each other
    Til nothing else remains

  61. Again you speak too hastily
    We're getting to the fun
    Prepare the guests for Party
    Diversion Number One!

  62. Now here we have a donkey
    We've taken off his tail
    So won't you wear this blindfold
    And jab him with this nail?

  63. Now wait a minute, people
    What shame has come to pass?
    I will not take this nail
    And jab this donkey's ass

  64. It's not a real donkey
    So have no fear and push
    That antiseptic nail
    Right in that creature's tush

  65. I'd really feel better
    A happy Jake I'd be
    If you'd remove my blindfold
    And let me have a see

  66. Oh fine, remove the blindfold
    Let Jakey boy perceive
    The not-a-real-donkey
    That he may now believe

  67. This is a real donkey
    You wanted me to hurt
    It moves its head and vomits
    And nibbles on my shirt

  68. It's just a model donkey
    That walks around and brays
    We made it out of cardboard
    It took us twenty days

  69. But if you won't believe us
    Even though it's true
    We'll scrap it and move on to
    Diversion Number Two

  70. Behold the big pinata
    It's full of candy treats
    Of Snickers bars and Mallomars
    And chocolate-covered beets

  71. It's shaped just like a donkey
    So put this blindfold on
    And whack with this here baseball bat
    Til the pinata's gone

  72. This is the same old donkey
    It seems that all you've done
    Is wrapped him in crepe paper
    For you to have your fun

  73. He will not hurt the donkey
    This much we plainly see
    It's time to move to Party
    Diversion Number Three

  74. We're rolling in a cake now
    Although it's made of wood
    I'm sure you'll find the contents
    To be extremely good

  75. Now, is some brazen hussy
    To come out of this tart
    And bump and grind against me
    To win my teenaged heart?

  76. Well Jake, that's quite perceptive
    That's just what we had planned
    The finest brazen hussy
    In Massachusetts land

  77. Well guys, I just don't trust you
    I think it's all a plot
    To make me hurt the donkey
    A thing which I will not

  78. The time has come for action
    We can't stand idly by
    And let that donkey wander
    By Jake's hand it must die

  79. Now people, people, people
    As emcee I must say
    There's no need to be angry
    On Jacob's special day

  80. Let's just forget the donkey
    And all those silly games
    Continue with the party
    Let no one spoil our aims

  81. MC, what is the purpose
    Of all these people here?
    I sure did not invite them
    Into my home so dear

  82. Now Jake, just have a seat and
    Enjoy the company
    There's revelry and magic
    And serendipity

  83. I must insist, oh emcee
    To know what brings you round
    There is no rhyme or reason to
    This party I have found

  84. Well Jake, today is your day
    And we're here to ensure
    That nothing interferes with
    Your entertainment, sir

  85. You send out invitations
    To everyone alive
    And all to entertain me
    Well that just doesn't jive

  86. Now calm yourself, young fellow
    All will be made clear
    Now be a groovy pumper
    And get your pal a beer

  87. These freakazoids are too much
    I think they are insane
    I must make my escape before
    They pour me down the drain

  88. The Master of Ceremonies
    Is clearly not all there
    Delighting in my anguish
    I ought to light a flare

  89. It's shameful, really, having
    To escape my own house
    But best I make my exit
    While all of them are soused

  90. This is the song narrator
    And so, intrepid Jake
    Departed through the window
    And ran off towards the lake

  91. His home was taken over
    By weirdos of all types
    By people who wore shorts with
    Big stupid racing stripes

  92. He knew not what could happen
    He knew not where to go
    And yet he started running
    And now back to our show

  93. My name is Dana Scully
    My partner's name is Fox
    I have to tell him, "Mulder..."
    He's so unorthodox

  94. We've come from television
    Here to investigate
    That strange and monstrous creature
    Known only as "the jake"

  95. He was here at the party
    We saw him here ourselves
    But he has strangely disappeared
    Like one of Mulder's elves

  96. We've searched inside the bathtub
    We've searched the closet space
    There is no way around it
    He must have left this place

  97. I tell you Scully, Jake must
    Have powers beyond man's
    For how else could he pump out
    Such funkadelic jams?

  98. It must be supernatural
    This disappearing trick
    We've sealed all the exits
    Except the ones we haven't

  99. Mulder, I just got a call
    Upon my little phone
    Confirming what we thought at first
    The jake has left his home

  100. The beast has now been spotted
    He's moving towards the lake
    He leaves a trail of records
    And ramen in his wake

  101. What is the jake's location?
    What is his current state?
    We must expose the cover-up
    We must investigate

  102. We have some grainy photos
    We have some stories, too
    We have a fake autopsy
    That's the best we could do

  103. I think that we should show this
    To the FBI
    The other agents mock us
    But this they can't deny

  104. We can't use that as evidence
    That stuff will never last
    We've got to head out to our car
    And drive it really fast [Vroom!]

  105. Amazing, Jake's endurance
    The speed at which he moves
    And yet he still continues
    To toss the funky grooves

  106. Now Scully, that's unusual
    You must concede that he
    Who beatboxes while running
    Must supernatural be

  107. Now Mulder, I am sure that
    The explanation's there
    It may be plate tectonics
    Or something in the air

  108. At last we now approach him
    He crawls and gasps for breath
    I fear his royal Jakeness
    Is nearing certain death

  109. There's only one way, Scully
    To find what it's about
    You must revive poor Jacob
    By giving mouth-to-mouth

  110. Now Mulder, this is silly
    There's some conspiracy
    To get hot chicks to press their lips
    'Gainst those of Jakey B.

  111. Oh, would you stop complaining?
    We must find out the truth
    If it means sucking face with Jake
    I'm sure not gonna do it

  112. Now hold it there, young lovers
    You're missing out real bad
    There is a swingin' party
    At Jake Berendes's pad

  113. Oh Scully, Mulder, help me
    This awful, awful man
    Is forcing me to party
    As only bastards can

  114. Now fellas, fellas, join us
    To celebrate the jake
    The jam was getting stuffy
    So we've moved it to the lake

  115. And here's the best part, Jacob
    The part I couldn't say
    The reason for this party
    Is your nineteenth birthday

  116. You total, utter moron!
    You tortured me for this?
    You think that I don't even know
    When my own birthday is?

  117. Oh man, I never thought of that
    I do apologize
    I hope you'll join our party
    Please reprioritize

  118. All right, I'll join your party
    But no more anguish, please
    Another party like this
    And I am bound to wheeze

  119. I'm glad you've reconsidered
    We'll have a real good time
    Now everybody gather round
    And bust a birthday rhyme

  120. He's creepy and he's kooky
    He's nineteen and he's Jake
    So tie him up and gag him
    And feed him birthday cake
    Yes feed... him... birth... day... cake!