News You Can Bruise for 2003 September 19 (entry 0)

Fri Sep 19 2003 11:37: The life of a pirate is a difficult one. Decks must be swabbed, flags hoisted, throats slit, and scurvy dogs avasted. We at walktheplank.net are constantly pressured by the day-to-day drudgery of piracy's infrastructure, even as we mantain our busy schedule of consulting gigs and speaking engagements.

There are compensations. Piracy has become "hip" among the young Bay Area elite (source: some damn SFBG article or something). This means that occasionally a club will have a "pirate night" and our employees can go into town in their salt-encrusted clothes, without their peg legs and myna birds[0] attracting undue attention from the law.

There is also a certain amount of glamour associated with piracy, especially for those such as ourselves who practice piracy as it was done on the high seas of old. Sensitive dewy-eyed chicks who visit our ship are charmed by our gleaming cutlasses and our innovative yet traditional methods for sustainable pillaging (we are the only piracy corporation to still keelhaul in the traditional old-world manner).

But for those who must live the lifestyle rather than merely dabbling in it, a pirate's existence is a lonely morass of bad food, long hours, and daggers in the back. So on this Talk Like A Pirate Day, spare a moment to think of those brave souls who risk their lives to board ships in the dead of night and steal things.

[0] Due to concerns about the importation of endangered parrots, all ecologically conscious pirates carry myna birds instead.