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[Comments] (3) : So when I was idly trying to find out what my weird frog is, I stumbled upon one of those template-driven sites that tries to pretend it knows all about what you're Googling for, by creating a bunch of pages for every possible variant of a general problem (possibly taking previous search requests into account) and claiming it has a customized solution for each one. In this case, it was The Phobia Clinic™ and their phobia-mastery program, Time Line Therapy™.

Because there are so many silly phobias, the template is often amusing in its eagerness to accept you and act like your phobia is nothing unusual while not actually knowing anything about it. It makes out that there is a specialized Clinic for the study of each phobia on their list (eg. "The Fear Of Things To The Left Side Of The Body Clinic at The Phobia Clinic™"), and that they have a special interest in whatever phobia pertains to what you Googled for (in my case, Ranidaphobia, not to be confused with the more general Batrachophobia).

I myself have a touch of acrophobia, and for me it's not so much the fear of falling so much as the fear of suddenly feeling compelled to hurl myself over the edge, which is how I manage to work on the sixth floor of a building without being gripped by fear all day. There's no edge, thus no acrophobia. Similarly, someone who suffers from Fear of Peanut Butter Sticking to the Roof of the Mouth is probably actually afraid of feeling compelled to scoop an entire eight-ounce jar of Jif into their mouth, but it's not that hard to just not open jars of peanut butter.

Also, if peanut butter does stick to the roof of your mouth, you're not dead on the sidewalk or at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, you can just scrape it out with a napkin. So if you are morbidly afraid of peanut butter sticking to your mouth you are probably also afraid of everything else in the world, with an acute case of Googlephobia, so you'd never be able to find the web page that offers help.

Anyway, some of the other funny values for x are: the vague Fear Of Certain Fabrics ("FEAR OF CERTAIN FABRICS THE MOVIE: The Directors Cut... starring Me!"); the overly-specific Fear of the Great Mole Rat, which makes the Great Mole Rat sound like a Lovecraft monster; Refund, which looks like a mistake in the database, Fear of Your Step Mother, which reads like low-grade satire, Phobiophobia, which actually circumnavigates satire, and Tyrannophobia, which seems to me more of a political problem than a "phobia" per se. That last complains that most tyrannophobia therapies "require the patient to be exposed repeatedly to tyrants over and over again", and asks you, "What's it worth to live free of Tyrannophobia ?" I guess the tree of liberty has been looking a little under-nourished lately.

Sick of The Phobia Clinic™'s Google-trolling? Wish you'd never heard of their revolutionary anti-phobia technique? Well, What's it worth to live free of Time Line Therapy™ ?

PS: One more. I can't resist. Caligynephobia: "most caligynephobia therapies take months or years and sometimes even require the patient to be exposed repeatedly to beautiful women over and over again." The horror!


Posted by Kevan at Wed Oct 22 2003 05:07

Fantastic - "Fear of Justice can be gone for less than the price of a round-trip airline ticket, or a few weeks of drugs or conventional therapy." ("Just put this package into your suitcase on the way out.")

Also some outstanding Pusher-Robot therapy - "I know, I'll attach terrible feelings to outer space - that way I'll steer clear in future and so be safe."

Posted by Kevan at Wed Oct 22 2003 05:18

Shame on all those evil therapists who cure spectrophobia by repeatedly exposing their patients to ghosts, as well.

Posted by pedro at Wed Oct 22 2003 18:24

You mentioned Batrachophobia, what about "BurtBacharachophobia?" Because I definitely suffer from that.

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