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[Comments] (1) Worrywart Hypothetical Spam:

What if Santa left a real star under the tree?

Yeah, let's try to watch out for that contigency. Geez, don't we trust Santa not to be incredibly stupid? What if Santa distributed Class III narcotics to little kids? What if Santa bypassed safety inspections before the sleigh launch and died in a harness accident 10,000 feet above Canada? Santa knows his stuff; he's not going to destroy the earth by twisting Mu Cassiopeiae into a black hole so's it'll fit into a gift box.

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Posted by Kristofer Straub at Tue Dec 23 2003 16:35

That's a horror right up my alley. Santa snaps sometime in January after Christmas, and starts raving at elves about how much he loves the world, and how terribly sick it is. War, famine, death. At some point he hits upon it -- "real stars for Christmas" -- and says little else for the next eleven months. The elves are afraid.

He descends into madness, and uses the last bit of elfin magic to collect stars and contain them somehow, until Christmas Eve. Without magic, the elves slowly begin to die. But it doesn't matter now. Scientists notice the night sky growing darker and darker, but no one knows why until it's too late. Finally, it ends with Santa and his sleigh at the highest orbit it can attain, looking down at the burning, shattered Earth through bloodshot, tear-filled eyes. He and the reindeer finally succumb to lack of oxygen, and their bodies petrify in cold space, capturing their last gasping, writhing moments forever, circling the Earth as a horrible testament to insanity and the folly of mankind.

It is at this point that a number of ancient wandering gods encounter the burning, lifeless, planet-sized tomb, and give vent to certain measured sounds --

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