Thu Jan 01 2004 00:12: Ah, much better.

(1) Fri Jan 02 2004 09:10 I'm Sorry, I Can't Seem To Read The Rest Of Your Message:

Dear Leonard,

Your newsbruiser was introduced in one of the magazines published in Korea, and

Fri Jan 02 2004 15:53 Communication Is Destroyed!: Daddy, where do disturbing search requests come from? Maybe from people turning search results into poetry. Junk food for the Eater of Meaning, a jungle of semiotic booby-traps for anyone else. From stack.

Sun Jan 04 2004 19:01 Guest Guest Weblog: A long time ago, Brendan said:

This looks like some kind of ancient Rube Goldberg chain reaction, where the only reactants are dinosaurs shooting lasers at other dinosaurs.

If that doesn't get you to click, I don't know what will.

Mon Jan 05 2004 06:14 How To Tell You're Going Crazy: Materials engineering is starting to look good.

Mon Jan 05 2004 15:53 FHW: Web Site Will Revolve Around Mars

Tue Jan 06 2004 11:52 What Happened?:

Subject: 91,426,295 0rders filled & counting... 8 jksbxvbdohahv
Subject: 13,771,942 0rders filled & counting... 4 kbvqhbc

(1) Tue Jan 06 2004 14:56 Great Moments In Voicemail System Design:

"For service to an existing building, press 1."

What should have come next:

For service to a building that has yet to be built, press 2. For service to a demolished building press 3. For service to a hypothetical building, or to the concept of buildings in general, press 4.

(5) Thu Jan 08 2004 23:14: I got an apartment in Little Rock. Actually to call it an apartment is to overstate the case. It is an 'efficiency', with a Room (it's bare and purposeless, like the newest room in a text adventure you're writing), a kitchen, and a treacherous bathroom even smaller than the one in my hotel in Brussels, with steps leading up to the shower, as though a shower is some sort of sacrificial altar. Which I'll always be afraid it's one mistep away from becoming. It reminds me (in spirit if not in size) of the apartment in The Apartment. The best part: it used to be used by the vicar of the local Lutheran church, who it seems has just skipped town. Second-best part: the rent is $315 a month. I move in on Saturday. "Moving in" to consist of driving there and unloading my car--all the stuff that's been rattling around my trunk since Bakersfield is still in there.

(5) Fri Jan 09 2004 22:06 Just Back Away Slowly: Workin' on a Perl farm. Trying to raise some hard code. Getting out my dollar sign. Initializing your variable. Looking in your manual. Useing all your modules. Downloading you from CPAN. Exporting your name.

Perl farm woman. I'll cast you to array. Perl farm woman. Cast you to scalar too. Perl farm woman. Don't you know I'll cast to hash... hash!

(1) Mon Jan 12 2004 01:15 Get That Bizarre Filk Off The Top Of Your Site, Leonard!: Okay, okay. The CCN was displayed on Meet The Press today (yesterday) for about 3/4 of a second. By my calculations I have 899.25 seconds of fame left.

Mon Jan 12 2004 16:11: Here's where I rip off inpassing.org, except the stupid things I hear people say are actually stupid things I myself have said. Which, I suspect, sometimes happens at inpassing.org. But I don't try to hide it! Glaring honesty! Hit the tipjar!

Wouldn't it be neat if you could do that, plant some food and nurture it into more food? Well, I guess it does work that way. But not for cake.

Tue Jan 13 2004 09:50: The signs leading into Santa Nella say "Everything For The Traveler", which always makes me feel like I'm entering a creepy cult town that worships the Traveler from Star Trek. "Noooo! You cannot order the Traveler's Breakfast Special! Only the Traveler may order the Traveler's Breakfast Special!"

Tue Jan 13 2004 12:04: You might think that putting ranch dressing in potato salad would be a good idea, but once the potato salad is within an inch of your tongue you realize that it is not.

(6) Wed Jan 14 2004 15:30 Leonard's Immutable Law Of Commercials: If ever there is a dog in a commercial, the dog will bark before the end of the commercial.

Sun Jan 18 2004 12:47 Incredibly Tiny Photo Wire Roundup: That didn't take long.

Tue Jan 20 2004 22:17: On The West Wing, they have televisions all over the place and at most one of the televisions has its sound on at any time. Maybe that's how they do things in fake White Houses. Here we have the same news-junkie environment with televisions all over the place, but they are all on mute and have close-captioning turned on. Take that, fictional representation of reality!

(1) Wed Jan 21 2004 09:13 The Joke's On You: Spam: Use your computer to make money! I already do!

(3) Thu Jan 22 2004 07:30 Apropos Chinese New Year:

"What animal are you?"

"Human."

[GLARE]

It turns out I am actually a sheep. I was thinking it would be nice to vary the Chinese lunar calendar to give other organisms a chance. We would have cool years like the year of the elephant, year of the saber-tooth tiger, year of the mola mola, year of the E. coli, etc. Just another idea from Leonard Labs, where we're always working orthogonal to your best interests.

Fri Jan 23 2004 08:34 You'll Never Drink Your Coffee In This Town Again: This Salon article lures you in with a teaser about the man who was the inspiration for The Dude from The Big Lebowski, then springs this on you:

True to legend, The Dude is warm and weird and possibly half-crazy, and he loudly promotes films that he's passionate about.

Huh. I don't remember that. [Googles for script] Ah, here we go.

DUDE

Walter, I sincerely believe this could be the most groundbreaking short film of the twentieth century. I am truly excited about this project.

WALTER

Dude, your level of excitement is not the issue here.

DUDE

All I need is thirty thousand dollars. If I don't come up with it by Monday, they're going to kill this project!

WALTER

"They're going to kill this project! They're going to kill this project!"

Sat Jan 24 2004 11:01 Speak Of The Dude And You See His Sunglasses: Every month or so it seems we get a furlough of sorts and we get to go out and do something. Yesterday, no sooner had the electrons dried on my previous entry than I was invited to Adam Harrington's birthday party. But this was to be no ordinary birthday party. This was to be a Big Lebowski-themed birthday party, held in a bowling alley. Truly, the ultimate birthday experience! Dave Mason and I went to Target beforehand and bought Dude-ish clothes and, for the gift, a duffel bag full of socks and underwear briefs--the ringer.

Adam and I were the only ones who truly captured the essence of Dudeness in our bathrobes. (Dave went for the "picture on the movie poster" Dude look, and merely looked like a non-Dude slob; sorry, Dave.) I bowled three frames, doing horribly (top score: 107) and having a great time. Last evening, I lived the dream: I was the Dude.

I got so excited about this that I started considering a "Jeff Lebowski, Cable Repairman" Halloween costume, until I remembered that I don't do Halloween costumes.

Update: Wes Clark gets in on the action.

Sat Jan 24 2004 21:10 Chilly Photo Roundup:

• Preparing the anti-monoliths. (or Icehenge)
• The Ice King, aging and infirm, has his slaves prepare the materials for an enormous Egyptian-style pyramid tomb. Unfortunately it MELTS the year after his death because it's MADE OF ICE.

(1) Sun Jan 25 2004 18:11 Night Of The Living Tired: Day NH-2. Social norms have completely collapsed. It is in this crucible that men's souls are laid bare. J. expressed a desire to see a movie, if any movies existed. I asked him to design a movie that would meet his needs of the moment. He thought a little. "The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly," he said. "Set in outer space, with an all-female cast."

(1) Sun Jan 25 2004 21:04 Random Words:

• lanotone
• wovabaza
• tuhadalu
• molaweca

(2) Mon Jan 26 2004 09:02 Leonard's Tips For Slovenly Living: If you don't have a coffee mug, you can drink hot chocolate out of the measuring cup.

Bonus: To make fake Nutella, or "Notella" (Ha! I am hilarious!), mix peanut butter with cocoa mix. Note: I have not tried this.

Mon Jan 26 2004 16:05: Breakin' III: Electric Sharkjump

(4) Tue Jan 27 2004 08:32 Next Slide, Please: If photos like this one can make it onto the AP photo wire, maybe there's hope for my photography.

PS: Let me restate my plea for a news photo wire where the photos don't go bad after a month. Anyone? Should I just set up my own silent, copyright-infringing filcher?

(1) Tue Jan 27 2004 14:32 This Has Nothing To Do With Anything: Spoiler alert.

In the penultimate episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (or thereabouts), the Breen attack Earth and destroy much of the greater San Francisco area. Later we see a map of the targets in the Dominion control center, and if you look at the map you'll see that of the targets was Colma. Ever since I saw that I have been wondering why the Breen would want to blow up Colma. Are they really big on desecrating their enemies' graves?

PS: If you see me, ask me to perform my uproarious impression of a Breen.

Tue Jan 27 2004 19:11 This Summer...: He's SETH DAVID SCHOEN.

(1) Wed Jan 28 2004 08:09: Wow, I just got spam from Nigeria that wasn't Nigerian scam spam. They're trying to sell me crude oil. Next it'll be air compressor parts, and over time the Nigerians will take over the spamming industry.

(2) Wed Jan 28 2004 08:54: A year after Sumana showed up in a Google News search, I'm pleased to tell you that my name now shows up in a Google News search. Note that I said my name.

(7) Wed Jan 28 2004 18:44 Great Things About Python #1: The way you can unroll an arbitrarily complex data structure deeply nested list in a for statement, and assign everything to variables, and it's readable.

Update: I don't think this entry deserves to be on the Daily Python-URL, but I'll take what I can get.

(2) Thu Jan 29 2004 16:19 Stupid Google Tricks: didd yo meaan

(4) Fri Jan 30 2004 10:54 Photo Wire Roundup Jumps The Shark:

• Once they do an episode where the author makes a cameo appearance, it's all over.

Sat Jan 31 2004 08:27: Current post-bedtime reading: The Diamond Age. As per my suspicion it is like Snow Crash, except good. I am continually distressed to find that, like Ben Jonson's ne'er-do-well ancestors, Stevenson preemptively stole many of my ideas. Impressed last night to discover that he also managed to preemptively steal the premise of Dinosaur Comics.

Sat Jan 31 2004 13:32 Pre-Post-Literacy Photo Roundup Equivalent: This article goes with that AP photo. I was interviewed for the article but not directly quoted; you can see my sinister hand in the claims made by unnamed people. This is clearly a plot to keep me out of Google News searches.