News You Can Bruise for 2009 January 15 (entry 2)

(5) Thu Jan 15 2009 21:59 Harrowscopes: Yeah, I'm cleaning out papers. Here are the funnier of some lame fake horoscopes I wrote for one of Jake Berendes's's abandoned zine projects. Man, I don't know how The Onion does it, week after week. Or why, for that matter.

• Venus is in Aries, giving rise to interpersonal conflict. Are you just going to sit there and take that shit? Get in your spaceship and blow Venus out of the sky!
• After scanning this horoscope you will glance at the rest, then your eyes will be drawn towards a mysterious ad at the side of the page. Could these be the cultists your uncle warned you of in his letter? With trembling hand you will copy the (cont. next week)
• You're really on your own here. You guys all behave so differently that any advice I could give would be vague and useless. The other 92% of you: keep it up!
• The old adage "caveat emptor" will take on new meaning when your home is decimated by giant mutant spiders. Will you have the skills to survive in the new social order? 9PM (8 Central)
• The stars saw what you did.

Oh yeah, I also found a note my mother left me, with the name and phone number of the company she wanted to manage her estate sale. Now that's preparedness.

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Comments:

Posted by Rachel at Fri Jan 16 2009 08:30

so that's where it went

Posted by Leonard at Fri Jan 16 2009 09:16

Do you want it back?

Posted by Rachel at Fri Jan 16 2009 09:49

did we have it when we needed it? i thought we couldn't find it then

Posted by Leonard at Fri Jan 16 2009 10:27

I'm pretty sure we had it. We got the right person, at least.

Posted by Susie at Fri Jan 16 2009 14:14

I believe we looked everywhere for it and ended up calling the person whose estate sale Mom had been impressed with to find it.

I was just telling Leonard that I also found the deed to the cemetery plot - don't remember seeing that before.