Hello there, I'm Peter Schickele, and this is Schickele Mix, a program dedicated to the proposition that all musics are created equal, or as Duke Ellington put it, if it sounds good, it is good. And this is a good time to give our thanks for the fact that our bills are paid by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and this radio station, and also for the fact that the program is distributed by PRI, Public Radio International.
And speaking of distribution makes me think of publishing. I'm sure you've noticed, as I have, that there are several kinds of book, several genres, for which there seems to be an absolutely inexhaustible market. We can start with the two C's, cookbooks and cat books. Can you imagine the day ever coming when one editor says to another, nah, I don't think we should publish this Christmas Cookbook, The Greatest Recipe Ever Told. There's an awful lot of cookbooks out there already. Or when an editor says to an author, I'm afraid we're going to pass on your book. It's a good title, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Cats But Didn't Know You Wanted to Know Until This Book Was Published. But, uh, well, we just published a cat book twelve years ago, and we don't want to saturate the market. That day's a long way off, I should think. In fact, it seems to me that someone could make and make a mint by combining those genres. How to cook your cat. Okay, I better take the phone off the hook after saying that. Or how about cooking for your cat. Twenty-five dishes, the leftovers of which you'll enjoy yourself. A little clumsy, I guess. But this one is the essence of simplicity. The Cat Cookbook. You know, recipes for mouse and vole and half a dozen different songbirds.
Hey, I just got a good idea for a radio show. It's called Catman. He's a mysterious Himalayan figure who foils wrongdoers by clouding their minds.
Who know what evil lurk in hearts of men? Catman do.
[sound: wind]
Well, enough of this. And, of course, you have to add self-help books to the list of inexhaustible markets, including the yin to the yang of cookbooks, diet books. Well, in the recording industry, there's just one field that matches the cook, cat, and self-help book fields in terms of fathomlessness, and that's Christmas music. If I had a nickel for every Christmas album out there, I could stay at the same parking meter for years. Almost all the mainstream artists have at least one Christmas album and every kind of music you can think of. I've got CDs like a Cajun Christmas, a Jazz Christmas, a Blues Christmas, a Classical Christmas, a Baroque Christmas, a Rhythm and Blues Christmas.
I don't have a Polka Christmas, but I'm sure there's one out there. Now part of the reason for this cornucopia is simply that Christmas means a great deal to a lot of people and they want to experience it in musical idioms that are close to them. And especially if they're not wasps who grew up in the northern half of the United States as I did, some of what is considered to be part of the traditional Christmas atmosphere might not mean much to them. Snow? A sort of English jollity? Old fashioned European songs? I can imagine someone from my background listening to our first selection and thinking, oh, this is sort of a folky rendition and she's singing it in translation. Forgetting perhaps that we too sing it in translation. It was originally written in German. And not knowing, perhaps, that the very first time this song was sung, it was accompanied by the guitar.
[music: Gruber, "Silent Night" (Ki ho ’alu Christmas); Joanie Komatsu]
Joanie Komatsu singing Silent Night in Hawaiian. The song was written by the Austrian composer Franz Gruber on Christmas Eve in 1818.
It was first sung that night at the local church, but since the organ was broken, it was accompanied by guitar. There are probably few songs that have been translated into as many languages as Silent Night. But there's another reason for the proliferation of Christmas music, and that is that for the recording industry, it all comes together at Christmas time. There's a rich repertoire of beloved music, ranging from traditional carols to modern standards. It's a communal time. People are getting together more than usual, and they're buying gifts for each other, which means that they're in the shops and the malls, hearing the ubiquitous music brought to them by the spirit of Christmas presents. The market is huge. And let me say right here, flat out, that on today's show, we will be dealing with Christmas mainly as a cultural phenomenon. No matter what your faith or your background, You can hardly live in this country without being impacted, as we say in the biz, by Christmas. As I said, the market is huge. The only trouble is that there's so much stuff out there, product we call it in the biz, that it's hard to come up with anything new. In a journalistic first and a Schickele Mix exclusive, here is part of a tape we obtained from an anonymous source who used to work at Acme Records.
Tape from Acme Records: What are we gonna do, Manny? Here it is August, and we haven't even started work on a Christmas album yet. We need ideas, and we need them fast.
Uh, how about a jazz nativity? Been done. Calypso nativity? Been done. A NATO nativity? Come on, Manny, get serious. Nobody cares about NATO. I don't even know what its capital is. Hey, hey, hey, Archie, how about Christmas carols as if they'd been written by famous classical composers?
Hey, hey, here's an idea. Christmas carols as if they'd been written by famous classical composers. Good idea, boss. Who's that panty-waist piano guy that all the effete snobs love so much? It's something about a musical getting a bad review.
A musical getting a bad review I'm not saying that is his name, but it has something to do with the, you know, like a Broadway musical getting a bad review You don't mean Chopin Chopin, yeah, that's it. See, Chopin writes a Christmas carol, except, really, it's already been written, but he doesn't know that Hey, maybe we could pair it with another piano style, like Boogie Woogie No, no, no, no, no, no. Here, this is even better.
We pair it with another piano style, like Boogie Woogie. There you go. Chopin and Boogie Woogie. What a concept. I think it's got legs, boss.
[music: Baker (arr.), “We Three Kings Nocturne” (in the style of Chopin) (A Composer’s Christmas); Jeffrey Reid Baker]
[music: Webster, "Deck the Halls with Boogie Woogie" (The Alligator Records Christmas Collection); Katie Webster]
Katie Webster (recorded): Y'all have a very Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year. Y'all hear? And Santa, baby, please, it would do me so much good if you would just leave me a five-pound box of money under my Christmas tree, wrapped in a red ribbon.
We Three Kings, as composed by Chopin, at least according to Jeffrey Reid Baker, on whose album A Composer's Christmas the selection appears. Nicely done, very tasty. Then we heard Katie Webster singing and playing Deck the Halls with Boogie Woogie from the Alligator Records Christmas Collection. How much is a five-pound box of money? All depends.
But the maw of demand for Christmas product still gapes. It must be filled with product, preferably product that will make consumers sit up and take notice, something that will jolt them out of their jaded complacency. We asked Professor Sigmund Freud, who holds the Andrew Warhol Chair of Popular Psychology at the University of Point Barrow, to comment on the next two songs.
Professor Freud: Well, whenever there's a phenomenon of intense enthusiasm for a person or an institution or one of those things, it is often followed by an equally intense reaction, an opposite feeling of revulsion or at least clinical disinterest.
It happened with Lenin, it happened with the Hula Hoop, I'm sure it will happen with the Beatles one of these decades, but with Christmas there's an added parameter in that many people feel, I think, that they are being coerced, that they are being required to have a good time during the holidays. And with these people, especially if they did not rebel, if they did not effectively rebel as teenagers, they effectively reach a point where they equate the season with parental authority, which whether they know it or not, they detest with an unconventional passion.
[music: Lehrer, "A Christmas Carol" (An Evening with Tom Lehrer); Tom Lehrer]
[music: Brissette/Armbruster, "I Hate Christmas" (Ren & Stimpy’s Crock of Christmas); Billy West]
Okay. A Christmas Carol from the album An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer, followed by I Hate Christmas from Ren and Stimpy's Crock o' Christmas. By the way, the opinions expressed by Ren are not necessarily those, as a matter of fact, they are not those of Peter Schickele, the host of Schickele Mix from PRI, Public Radio International.
Santa's Mixed Bag. We're exploring the fact that the tremendous demand for Christmas music results in albums that stretch or perhaps exceed the limits of what is considered appropriate musical behavior for what is, after all, a holiday steeped in tradition. But as we mentioned earlier, different cultures or different parts of the culture adapt the traditional songs in ways that bring them closer to the people doing them.
This next cut is too long to play in its entirety. I'll fade it out after the first verse. But I'm curious how you feel about it. Is the purpose here to shock? This is not a set up by the way, I'm being perfectly serious. Is the purpose to shock? Or is the singer simply doing the song in a way that is meaningful to him? Or are they both the same thing?
[music: Gruber, "Silent Night" (Satan or Santa: One & the Same); Ciscon Poison]
Silent Night by Ciscon Poison, from an album called Santa and Satan: One and the Same?
It's your typical heavy metal Christmas album. I expect that some people are deeply offended by that. I must say, and I am about as un-punk as you can get, that I like it, although it certainly is the least silent Silent Night I've ever heard. Franz Gruber is, I expect, turning in his grave, which I expect doesn't bother the members of Ciscon Poison at all. As I say, the album is called Santa and Satan, One and the Same. It says, "Indisputable proof inside." On the front, you see Satan, all there in red, saying, "Ha, ha, ha," and on the back, you see Santa, all in red, saying, "Ho, ho, ho." And some of their points here on the inside are: Santa, nickname is Saint Nick; Satan, nickname is Old Nick. Santa, red is favorite color; Satan, red is favorite color. Santa sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake; Satan, ditto. And our final proof: by transposing one letter in his name, Satan can instantly cash his Social Security checks made out to Santa.
Okay, this insatiable demand for Christmas music results not only in traditional songs being done in every possible way, but also in an unusually high number of novelty albums. Even though Santa Claus is not really a religious figure, I think people get a slightly sacrilegious thrill hearing him placed in everyday situations or even embarrassing situations.
We asked the Santa Claus at the department store near here what he thinks the best gift you can give at Christmas is.
Department store Santa: Uh, laughter. I think, yeah, laughter.
Department store Santa: Come on up here, kid. Ho, ho, ho.
[music: Hicks after Woods, "Somebody Stole My Santa Claus Suit" (Bummed Out Christmas); The Christmas Jug Band featuring Dan Hicks]
[music: Linton, "Santa Got a DWI" (Bummed Out Christmas); Sherwin Linton]
Okay. We heard the Christmas Jug Band featuring Dan Hicks doing Somebody Stole My Santa Claus Suit, and then Sherwin Linton doing Santa got a DWI. Those are both off a fairly amazing Rhino compilation album called Bummed Out Christmas. I mean those are very easy going. Some of the stuff on that album is really dark stuff. Christmas in prison, Christmas in jail, Christmas in Vietnam. It's got a great photo on the cover of a little white plastic Christmas tree set up in a motel room next to the TV.
But, so, now I'm beginning to wonder, there are so many of these novelty items, what's the most off-the-wall Christmas cut I can find? I mean, we've heard different styles, classical, boogie woogie, heavy metal, we've heard anti-Christmas songs, we've heard making fun of Santa songs, what's next?
Animal trainer: Oh, my name? Well, that shouldn't be hard.
Animal trainer: It's, uh... And I'm the, uh, animal trainer here at the, uh, circus. And, well, you know, I think that animals are smarter than we give them credit, you know, sometimes. Sometimes I think that they're smarter than I am.
Animal trainer: I like these dogs here. You used to have them... You know, if you wanted animals to be, like, singing and, you know, for a movie or, you know, you had people, people pretending to be, you had them singing for, you know, but my dogs here. Well, all I can say is, you know those three tenors? They should be feeling pretty nervous.
[music: Trad. arr. Bagdasarian, "Jingle Bells" (Christmas with the Chipmunks); The Chipmunks]
[music: "It Came Upon/We Wish You a Hairy Christmas" (Top Dog: Holiday Favorites in Dog)]
We're getting into the outer reaches of novelty space here. Animals old style were represented by the chipmunks singing jingle bells. Rodents on speed. Double speed.
And then we heard a medley, It Came Upon and We Wish You a Hairy Christmas, from an album called Top Dog: Holiday Favorites in Dog. The dogs are named Bentley, Weaver, Henschel, Boogie, Pepper, Cindy, and Roxanne. Their trainer is named Craig Huxley. Their back announcer is named Peter Schickele. And the show is named Schickele Mix from PRI, Public Radio International.
Okay, folks, this is it. We're almost at the bottom of Santa's Mixed Bag, the culmination of our search for the jaw-droppingest, off-the-wallest, unlikeliest novelty number to come down the holiday pike. Now, I've heard famous melodies played on practically every instrument around, and I've played a few less usual instruments myself, such as the Tuned Water Glasses, The Balloons, The Foghorn, and The Bicycle. But it never occurred to me that you could play Joy to the World with the following ensemble: table saws, pipes, ratchet, power drill, power screwdriver, two-by-fours, plane, hammer, saw, power miter box, anvil, framing square, and T-square I don't know why it didn't occur to me.
[music: Trad., "Joy To the World" (A Toolbox Christmas); Woody Philips]
Joy to the World performed by Woody Philips from an album called A Toolbox Christmas. Well, okay. Now that we've achieved Christmas novelty record Nirvana, I'd actually like to go back to some real Christmas music in the broader, more all-encompassing sense. Not typical Christmas music, but pieces with a spiritual dimension, at least in my humble opinion.
We've been dealing mostly in pairs today, and our last pair is made up of two songs, each of which is rather daring in its way. The first tells the story of Mary and Joseph in a modern context and an unexpected musical idiom, and comments calmly on modern Christmas observance. And the second piece does something that really takes nerve, and really pulls it off.
It preserves the words of Silent Night but sets them to new original music although there is a brief bow to Gruber's famous melody towards the end. Here's Christmas Day and Silent Night.
[music: Difford/Tilbrook, "Christmas Day" (New Wave Xmas); Squeeze]
Christmas Day from Squeeze, on a CD called New Wave Christmas, and then Silent Night from Three Carols by Kevin Oldham, performed by Pamela Williamson with Lyra Pringle Pherigo on flute and Wesley Kelly on harp. I love that piece. We've heard it before on the show but it's certainly worth hearing again. It's from a CD called Nativitas, American Christmas Carols, with the Kansas City Chorale.
Silent Night has provided the pillars on today's show, framing the silliness, sometimes inspired silliness, but industrial strength silliness nevertheless, that has made up the bulk of what we've heard. Let's go out with Bob Kindred on Tenor Sax and our final Silent Night.
[music: Gruber, "Silent Night" (Bending Towards the Light: A Jazz Nativity); Bob Kindred]
And that's Schickele Mix for this week. Our program is made possible with funds provided by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and by this radio station and its members. The program is distributed by PRI, Public Radio International. We'll tell you in a moment how you can get an official playlist of all the music on today's program with album numbers and everything. Just refer to the program number. This is program number 163. And this is Peter Schickele saying goodbye and reminding you that it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that certain je ne sais quoi.
You're looking good. See you next week.
If you'd like a copy of that playlist I mentioned, send a stamped self-addressed envelope to Schickele Mix. That's S-C-H-I-C-K-E-L-E, Schickele Mix. Care of Public Radio International. 100 North 6th Street, Suite 900A, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 55403.