The Ballad of Michigan J. Dramatis Personae: 1 1 M: Michigan J. (stumpsfrog) 2 2 N: Narrator (narrator) 1 2 Z: Zcat (alien) 2 3 G: Grep (alien) 2 3 F: Fred (producer) 1 2 B: Boss (boss) [The numbers represent the parts that should be sung by the two or three people who perform the piece] Synopsis: Michigan J., "stumpsfrog extraordinaire", is recruited by aliens Zcat and Grep to pave the way for a bloody invasion. He defies both the powerful aliens and his television bosses in a desperate gamble to save humanity. =========================================================================== Part 1: The plan begun =========================================================================== M: Gee, I wish it was ten o'clock Snickers bar, Snickers bar Can't believe it's time to nibble A Snickers Bar M: Snickers bar makes everything right Snickers bar, Snickers bar I eat 'em all day and every night All the night M: Woo-eee I want that Snickers B Aw shucks I wouldn't quit for twenty bucks N: Michigan J was hoppin' along M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar N: Singin' his favorite shillin' song M: Snickers bar N: Down came creatures from outer space Outer space, outer space Come to enslave the human race Human race N: Whisked up Michigan with a beam M: Snickers bar, Snickers--WHAA! N: To their maxed-out party van supreme Van supreme G: Welcome, Earthling, to our pad Z: To our pad, to our pad G: Cooperate or we'll be mad We'll be mad M: Extraterrestrials, bless my soul Bless my soul, bless my soul How about a Tootsie Roll? Tootsie Roll G: Tootsie Roll? Speak sense, Earthling! M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: Behold the baubles that we bring That we bring Z: Colorful beads and blankets too G: Blankets too, blankets too Z: Our free gift from us to you Us to you M: Not bad, but I would prefer Z: Would prefer, would prefer M: A Snickers bar or Breathassure Breathassure G: Our plan is simple, as you see Z: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: We first enslave humanity Humanity Z: Secondly, we party down G: Party down, party down Z: You do our work while we go to town Go to town G: Thirdly, Earth we will destroy Z: We'll destroy, we'll destroy G: To make your life devoid of joy Devoid of joy M: Now hold on pal, that goes too far Goes too far, goes too far Calm down and have a Snickers bar Snickers bar Z: Say there, aren't you on TV? G: On TV? On TV? M: I do the ads for the dubba-dubba-dubba-WB The dubba-dubba-dubba-WB M: Woo-eee The dubba-dubba-dubba-WB Aw shucks The dubba-dubba-dubba-WB M: Michigan J.'s my nom de guerre Nom de guerre, nom de guerre Stumpsfrog extraordinaire Ordinaire G: Stumpsfrog, eh? Let's make a deal M: Make a deal, make a deal G: Snickers bars at every meal Every meal G: All you got to do is sell M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: Earthlings on our living hell Living hell M: I can sell most anything Anything, anything Even the torment that you bring That you bring Z: Go back to earth and hype our kind Hype our kind, hype our kind G: We'll invade when they won't mind They won't mind =========================================================================== Part 2: Personal consequences =========================================================================== N: They dropped him off way down below M: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [thump] N: At the WB studio Studio M: Bring 'em in boxes, barrels, or kegs Snickers bar, Snickers bar Bring along those Snickers Eggs! Snickers Eggs F: Michigan, this one's for the boss M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar F: Clean your top hat and use that floss Up and down M: My hat and teeth are squeaky clean Squeaky clean, squeaky clean I'll show that boss what shillin' means Snickers bar F: Snickers bar segue, take one M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar F: Come on Michigan, let's have fun Let's have fun M: I'm so cold and I'm in pain Snickers bar, Snickers bar Snickers bar did this to me This to me F: CUT! Michigan, what the hell was that? Hell was that, hell was that M: Sorry Fred, my tongue went flat Tongue went flat F: Snickers bar segue, take two M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar This time I won't fail you Snickers bar M: I like butter, I like jam Snickers bar, Snickers bar A Snickers bar in my mouth I'll cram Snickers bar F: Big boss, come and talk to Mich Talk to Mich, talk to Mich He's talking like he's selling fish M: Snickers fish B: Michigan J., what seems to be Snickers bar, Snickers bar The problem with my Snickers B? Snickers B M: I'm so glad to have you here Snickers bar, Snickers bar I could eat one every year Every year M: Well I could eat them more often Snickers bar, Snickers bar Spring and summer, winter, autumn Snickers bar M: I know what's wrong, no need to speak Snickers bar, Snickers bar I could eat one or two a week Snickers bar M: Okay, okay, okay, okay Snickers bar, Snickers bar I could eat one every other day Every day M: Woo-eee I want that Snickers B Aw shucks Wouldn't quit for twenty bucks A million bucks B: Michigan, what is wrong with you? Snickers bar, Snickers bar Don't know what but this won't do Snickers bar =========================================================================== Part 3: Socioeconomic consequences =========================================================================== M: Fellas, I am in a fix F: In a fix, in a fix M: Just can't pull my shillin' tricks Shillin' tricks M: It started 'bout an hour ago Snickers bar, Snickers bar On my way to the studio Snickers bar M: I met some folks from planet Mars F: Planet Mars, Planet Mars M: Not interested in Snickers bars Snickers bars M: They want the planet Earth and us F: All of us, all of us M: To clean their nails and drive their bus Snickers bar M: They told me to advertise F: Advertise, advertise M: Their shows of force and evil lies Evil lies M: Then one day they will invade F: Will invade, will invade M: Between reruns of "Renegade" "Renegade" M: They're gonna come and kill us all F: Kill us all, kill us all M: But first, this word from Armor-All Armor-All F: Michigan makes it sound so great M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar F: A brutal invasion, I can't wait Snickers bar B: I've got a tie-in ready, Fred Ready Fred, Ready Fred Snickers bars for all the dead All the dead M: Don't you see what this can mean? This could mean, this could mean B: You'll be the biggest star since Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean M: But if they invade, humankind Snickers bar, Snickers bar Will be in an awful bind Snickers bar F: Just think of the ratings we B: Ratings we, ratings we F: Will get from this catastrophe! Catastrophe M: Our audience will surely shrink Snickers bar, Snickers bar If all are killed, or so I'd think Snickers bar B: Nonsense, Michigan, take a look F: Take a look, take a look B: At the magical ratings book Ratings book B: Our ratings stand at two percent M: Two percent, two percent B: By order of the government Government B: An alien invasion will M: vasion will, vasion will B: Five point seven billion kill Billion kill B: Leaving 'bout a hundred thou M: Hundred thou, hundred thou B: That two percent is ninety now Ninety now M: That looks good, but at what cost? Snickers bar, Snickers bar All your fellow humans lost Snickers bar B: Leave that hard stuff up to me Up to me, up to me Your job is not morality Morality M: With your blessing, then, I will Then I will, then I will For this bloody conflict shill Conflict shill =========================================================================== Part 4: The plan concluded =========================================================================== G: People look like little ants Z: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: In a stupid people dance People dance G: Waving all their little signs Z: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: Screen dumps of their puny minds Puny minds G: Soon they all will be destroyed Z: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: Gonna nuke this pitiful asteroid Asteroid G: The push of a button will suffice Z: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: To destroy this planet twice Planet twice G: Still, enslaving would be neat Z: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: Bring the frog to me, tout suite Z: Here he is G: Froggy unit, please explain M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: Why anger and dissent remain Sent remain Z: Have you not gone down and said M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar Z: "You'll be happy when you're dead"? M: Yes indeed G: Why do they not welcome our Z: Welcome our, welcome our G: Horrible displays of power? Splays of power Z: The froggy unit has betrayed G: Has betrayed, has betrayed Z: Us by cancelling "Renegade"! G: "Renegade"! G: Now our plan is all but foiled M: Snickers bar, Snickers bar G: My alien blood is half-parboiled Half-parboiled G: Mr. Frog, did we not say Z: We not say, we not say G: You would recieve a general's pay? Z: General's pay M: True, but fellows, you forget G: We forget, we forget M: I have a higher calling yet Snickers bar M: My first duty is to those Snickers bar, Snickers bar Who make our candy, cars and clothes Snickers bar M: Without them, where would we be? G: Would we be? Would we be? M: In the 19th century Century M: Folks like you must innovate G: Innovate, innovate M: To make me spread your lies and hate Snickers bar M: I'll take this escape pod for a ride Z: A joyride, a joyride M: See you on the other side Snickers bar G: In that frog I placed my trust Z: Placed your trust, placed your trust G: Reduce his planet now, to dust! Now to dust Z: Not so fast, our bomb depends G: It depends, it depends Z: On Lorenzo Lamas and his friends All his friends G: Well, back to the drawing board Z: Drawing board, drawing board G: Earth will get its just reward Z: Snickers bar A: Woo-eee That's the end of our story Hey hey That's the ballad of Michigan J.