Cogito, Ergo Sumana for 2002 December

# 04 Dec 2002, 12:36AM: Finally, the vague recipe for yummy soup. Chop slices of carrot. Warm some brown sugar and a little bit of water in a pan. Dump the carrot in the sugar and cook until tender (and, one hopes, caramelized). In a different pan, saut�e some chopped scallion until mostly browned and add vegetable broth. Add some chopped tomato to the carrot pan, stir around to get at the excess sugar, and dump into broth pot. Add some ground cloves, salt, and maybe ground ginger and other spices to taste. Medium boil for a while and then simmer to desired thickness. I simmered away most of the liquid and some of my eaters thought it so hearty that its meatlessness surprised them.

# 04 Dec 2002, 12:49AM: I took a deep breath today and filled out an application for the Apollo Amateur Night audition, which occurs in ten days. I also devised some new material. If I look through my old stuff and hone a best-of set, I can really put together a really good three and a half minutes. I get nervous just typing this and filling out the paperwork. It would be so cool to play Zellerbach! Not to mention the Apollo!

Joe, my latest fan, seems to have great faith in me. (Sure, my sister and mom and boyfriend have had faith in me longtimenow, but as Aronson points out, new compliments seem to mean more than repetitions of old ones.) I ameliorated the nervousness a bit by remembering his compliments, even as college actors next door auditioned for some play where "Chopped onions!" shows up in the script an awful lot.

Filed under: Comedy

# 05 Dec 2002, 01:42PM: Leonard alerted me to an Antarctic weblog (use a graphical browser -- neat pictures!), and an Indian reports on his country.

Yesterday Adam interviewed me for items of folklore, e.g., superstitions, myths, jokes, etc. I told him my mother's explanation for the origin of the bindi (a.k.a. kumkum or kunkma; a red dot Hindu women wear between the eyebrows). Mom says that, long years ago, women ground a red stone into powder and wore the powder there as a depilatory (nobody liked the unibrow even then), and that the powder eventually acquired ritual significance. Only yesterday did I realize how reassuring this explanation is. Someone who had never heard this story would probably think the red dot implies blood or a wound. And, for all I know, the bindi really originated in a smear of sacrifice-blood on a pujari's forehead.

In other mythical news, Leonard and I realized that the Amar Chitra Katha "Nasruddin Hodja" stories were the same as these Turkish tales starring Nasr-ed-Din Hodja. I can't believe I didn't realize before that of course Nasruddin was a Muslim. Hello? Hodja=hajji?

Postscript: "You're right, too", and ACK said this was a Birbal story. Also, in ACK, this story ends, "They were arguing over who would get to take my blanket when I came outside," but I like the idiom, "the quilt is gone and the fight is over."

# 07 Dec 2002, 12:04AM GMT+5:30: I'm enjoying the drawn-out pleasure of Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak. I usually hate tone-setting narration, but here it's great. And Pasternak's swift and cutting depictions of the Revolution clearly say, "Censor me!" and/or portray all the reasons people became starry-eyed Communists.

Work, parties, Leonard, stand-up worries, books. Michael greeted me with a Bach sonata or partita when I got home. Could one go on the Atkins diet and remain a vegetarian? Does UC's president put the university on an Atkins diet? Will I make it to the Apollo Amateur Night performance in Zellerbach? What am I supposed to be doing?

Filed under: Reading

# 09 Dec 2002, 01:07AM: I'm playing Michael's Bach CD (solo violin; sonatas & partitas). Maybe I understand why Bach is so cool now. Or maybe I'm just pulling the KDFC easy-listening trick on myself.

Lots of odd social interactions occurred today with friends new and old. I'm disoriented. I'll get my balance back in the morning. Yes, morning, i.e., after sunrise.

# 09 Dec 2002, 07:55PM: The days tick by and I have to come up with a really good two-minute routine for the Apollo audition. Oh, yes, by the way, I get two minutes, it turns out. Ack! That's perhaps six punchlines, so it had better be good. What a tiny data set!

Today a few customers tut-tutted about their Hanukkah problems; one said that her candles from last year, though still tall enough, were broken. I remembered Zack and suggested softening the wax in a double boiler and realigning the shafts. They were happy!

Filed under: Comedy

# 09 Dec 2002, 11:45PM: [Sumana reminisces about The Early Days.]

The first time Leonard saw me do stand-up, we went to Burbank and filmed the moon landing. No, but we did replicate an on-stage moment after my act had actually taken place before the live Bear's Lair audience. (In that photo, you can also see the banner that Johnny Steele mocked at the start of his act. "So, they do Concerts, and also Noon Concerts, and also Bear's Lair Concerts. I can only imagine the political maneuverings when someone puts on a noon concert in the Bear's Lair! Who's in charge, who's in charge?")

Wrt the other photo in that directory -- so proud, enigmatic, vulnerable; in ten years he'll be shot for tree-hugging.

Filed under: Comedy

# 10 Dec 2002, 09:20AM: If you have a notebook that contains lots of important information, including friends' phone numbers, you will lose it. Especially if you are now using a new notebook, since the old one is full, but haven't yet transferred all the contact info to the new one.

I made sure to put my name and phone number right inside one of the covers; I hope someone calls me soon.

# 10 Dec 2002, 11:14PM: The audience, quite rightly, didn't much laugh at my performance tonight at A Cuppa Tea. My best line, a question to the MC: "How much time would I have left if I were funny?" (Response: "Oh, twenty minutes.")

If only I had been doing standup for Kris and Kurt. All you have to do is use "bones" as every punchline!

Later in the evening I did achieve funny with Leonard. He explained that the Iran-Iraq war was a bit like Iraq's WWII, in that women worked in the factories and such and afterwards their rights expanded. I asked, "Where did you find that out? The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, Addendum: Every Other Cool Thing?"

Well, he cracked up.

Filed under: Comedy

# 10 Dec 2002, 11:24PM: Maybe my sense that I'm a better heckler than a performer means that I belong in improv. Or maybe just that I enjoy heckling.

"I am a C-section birth--"

"Are you going to kill Macbeth?"

Filed under: Comedy

# 11 Dec 2002, 12:55PM: .pi isn't taken!

# 12 Dec 2002, 01:58PM: Fun: "The Ugliness Club: Coming to a conclusion about my place in someone's personal history" and The Buff Barbarian Song.

Yesterday I tried out Leonard's T-Mobile Danger Sidekick mobile device, a.k.a. the Hiptop. It's the size and shape of a large bar of soap, it has a screen that flips up to reveal a QWERTY keyboard, it has a cell phone and wireless net access, and it has a built-in AIM client. My, it's nice.

Nandini, upon hearing about this, said, "Those ads with Catherine Zeta-Jones! I love those!"

# 12 Dec 2002, 08:58PM: Almost six weeks after my move, I've set up my computer. Caution: if you, like me, delay post-move computer set up for too long, you'll forget your password. I finally remembered, thank Filippenko.

Today: made a pretty good, St. Petersburg-reminding kasha with mockmeat, vegetable broth, and spinach. Devin liked it! Watched a lecture that inspired me, but not as wildly as last year. I've changed.

Played a bit of Dance Dance Revolution, and read old stand-up acts to find some best-of material for my audition. Some of it surprised me -- some made me laugh, some made me wince. You decide on this one: "I like DDR, except that now whenever I hear techno I think 'Up, down, left-right-left.' DDR is doing for Korean pop what Tetris did for brick walls."

Filed under: Comedy

# 14 Dec 2002, 12:53AM: While rearranging a bit of furniture, my boss found a small bag of clothes. She asked us, "Whose pants are these? Do you know whose pants these are?"

I replied,

Whose pants these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though...[0]

No one laughed! I was sad.

[0] "He will not see me stopping here / To watch his pants fill up with snow."

# 14 Dec 2002, 01:33AM GMT+5:30: It is my considered opinion, based on many years of reading Amar Chitra Katha comics, that Indra is not the king of the gods. He convenes councils to try to protect heaven from rakshasa invasions, a task which almost always falls to Vishnu or suchlike in the end. Once in a while he goes head-to-head with Vishnu or Shiva and loses, either directly or in some proxy battle fought on earth. Perhaps a more modern translation would have Indra be Secretary-General of the gods.

Filed under: Reading

# 14 Dec 2002, 01:45AM: Twice in the past week, I've seen brown people on TV using Western or Westernised names. Some subcontinental reporter for the Christian Broadcasting Network, reporting on persecution of Christians in Afghanistan, at last mentioned to the viewer that he was "George Thomas." "No!" I yelled at the screen. "Your name is Sanjay Singh! Sanjay!"

And then I saw a reporter on a domestic [note] news show, Sandhya Patel, call herself "Sandy-uh Patel." No! You are not some ultra-feminine Sandy! You are SUN-dhya! Bah to all of you!

[note] Nandini and I refer to local TV news as "domestic" and to network TV news shows, sometimes, as "international."

# 14 Dec 2002, 06:24PM: I was afraid I'd be Ursula K. Le Guin or Harlan Ellison, but it turns out I'm Alfred Bester, whom I've never read. Leonard is Asimov, which is cute.

# 15 Dec 2002, 08:02PM: The Audition: Yesterday I auditioned for the Apollo Theater Amateur Night. Most of the other contestants were music and/or dance groups, I think. I am quite glad that I did not go over my time, that I got several laughs, and that I did not make any major mistakes. Thanks to Leonard, Nandini, Joe, Michael, and Devin for advice and material and for listening.

Other: Today's Doonesbury makes real my speculations from a few days ago. And I find myself wanting to read the mystery series The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

Filed under: Comedy

# 16 Dec 2002, 09:19AM: Political rant coming up. No, not about Gore.

# 16 Dec 2002, 02:30PM: I made it to the Apollo Amateur Night! On Friday, January 31st, I will perform at Zellerbach and get a shot at going to New York! Wow!

Evidently I'm the only comic, and I get four whopping minutes this time. Wowzers! Suddenly none of my material seems good enough. To Writersblockistan I go!

A hundred or more acts auditioned, and I'm so grateful to have been chosen, and probably everything that night will be outstandingly good, so I'd encourage you to go. And possibly to buy your ticket now, as it's already getting some press.

Sorry, the political rant will have to wait.

Filed under: Comedy

# 18 Dec 2002, 10:35AM: See, you thought that only Aaron Swartz was acknowledging my stature, on par with Leonard, in the something-or-other community. But no: evidently I'm an up-and-coming comic and, more importantly, a UC Berkeley alumna. (I get a photo and two paragraphs in the middle of the story.) My parents raised me to brag about myself modestly, so I sort of have to link to this, but please feel no obligation to read it.

At the Apollo Amateur Night, I must "Keep [my] routine to four (4) minutes," and "No profanity, please". Durn, no Bob Saget impersonation. Also, "Please send a one (1) paragraph bio for the program book via e-mail to me by January 10." Hmm, this is a chance to get more hits for my web site!

A message to me from Apollo admins revealed the e-mail addresses of my competitors; looks like excellence, lotsofmusic, lplover, cre8tivity, and overtones have made it to the finals. Have I mentioned I'm the only comic?

From the e-mail:

Remember, the Apollo audience helps select the winners by their response, so be sure to invite as many friends and family members as you can!
Groups of 10 people or more receive a 15% discount. To purchase tickets, call the Cal Performances ticket office at (510) 642-9988; access on line at www.cpinfo.berkeley.edu [sic; try this page to order tix]; or come to Zellerbach Hall on the UC Berkeley Campus at Bancroft Way just west of Telegraph Avenue on Lower Sproul Plaza (call ahead for hours). Tickets are priced at $20/$30/$40.

I'm willing to be the clearinghouse for blocks of people who want to buy together to get the discount, although I assume that the point will be moot due to lack of demand.

Oh, and the CalPerfs FAQ has some funny lines. Witness: the answer to "Where can I park in Berkeley without losing my mind?": "you might try out what we like to think of as our 'secret parking weapon'..."

Filed under: Comedy

# 18 Dec 2002, 11:54AM GMT+5:30: Once upon a time I required students to read David Brin's political critique of George Lucas's work. Now Mr. Brin has rolled up his sleeves and made similar arguments regarding Tolkien. I prefer the Salon version to the longer one at his website.

Filed under: Reading

# 19 Dec 2002, 10:23AM: Leonard is fantastic!: Leonard and I just upgraded my installation of NewsBruiser and I'm a happy camper. Leonard, on the other hand, is a happy dinosaur. For the first time, search and Today in History work! And I can import old entries (old K5 posts, here you come!), and save drafts to post later, and titles get a separate, easy-to-use textbox. I can't believe I waited this long!

# 21 Dec 2002, 10:02PM: Flashback to AcaDec: My flatmate is watching Saturday Night Fever (IMDB entry). I heard, on the soundtrack, "Night on Disco Mountain," which reminded me of good old "Night on Bald Mountain" from my Academic Decathlon days in high school.

Watching prime-time TV requires me to say "What?!" about every thirty seconds. This last commercial break was no exception. Some ABC ad for The Music Man convinced me to watch it and then nearly convinced me not to watch it. Then, I found out, it's "Coming in February." February? I'm supposed to make room in my head for a Television Event two months from now? Who knows where I'll live, or how many civil liberties I'll have lost by then? Rights come and go, TV grinds on.

Filed under: Apartment Life

# 21 Dec 2002, 11:17PM: My Microserfs?: Electrolite linked to a terrific weblog: Real Live Preacher. I can't overstate how funny and insightful and touching this weblog is. Do read it chronologically.

This is why weblogs are great: Real Live Preacher! Jack's Sea Cabin! All these lovely peeks into very other lives.

# 22 Dec 2002, 12:26AM: I Used to Want to Be Cokie Roberts: I lay in couch (bed workalike) a few mornings ago as NPR woke me. And I heard about the INS's new registration policy. I heard defenders and critics discuss the new laws requiring fingerprints and interviews with young men on temporary visas from selected countries. And I thought, uneasily, ambivalently, "I don't trust our government with that power and information these days, but maybe we need to have this sort of program. Maybe we need to become more like Israel. Maybe security requires it."

The announcer added, "Notably, Saudi Arabia is not on the list --"

"[Multiple expletives]!" I exclaimed, insta-rage filling my skin and veins.

I could just imagine. Setting: airport security. "Well, he's got a knife, and a gun, and a bomb -- oh, wait, he's from Saudi Arabia! They're our ally! Yes, sir, go right on through!"

Next turn of events: I discovered that the government had added Pakistan and Saudia Arabia to The List. I gladly switched back from Enraged to Very Relucantly Supportive. "All right, if Saudia Arabia's on the list, then the list may actually do good," I considered.

Next turn of events: I hear about massive arrests and mistreatments of foreigners who showed up to register in accordance with the law. I join other webloggers in opining that the next time Uncle Sam asks the furners to turn themselves in, they'll consider this incident a lesson and decline.

Sometime soon, I expect, I'll feel government or social discrimination because I look brown. And just when I was hoping my comedy career would take off.

# 22 Dec 2002, 11:39AM: Disambiguate!: Today: "biannual". You could use "semiannual" for "twice each year," and "biennial" for "every two years." As for "I have same-sex intercourse once each year," I can't help you.

# 22 Dec 2002, 10:08PM: Lack of Interest, Ha!: People actually are asking me to put them in my group-discount list for my Apollo performance. I think I'll get 10, especially if you write me!

Filed under: Comedy

# 23 Dec 2002, 01:16AM: Spaaaaah: Nandini gave me many presents today, including socks and a great trip to the Kabuki Springs & Spa in San Francisco. Kabuki S&S is:

Tony. The clients and staff are courteous, everything smells nice, the firm provides the use of towels and robes and magazines.
In "Japantown," which by my reasoning means "very near Chinatown," but apparently not.
Near The Boom Boom Room, of which I'd only heard before from events listings in SFBG and the like.
Near The Kabuki 8 cineplex, which does make sense.

I dunked myself in various baths and got a luxurious massage/seaweed wrap. Yes, a fellow prole rubbed mud and ground French seaweed over my body, and then made of me a burrito (tortilla: plastic sheeting and blankets). I was a burrito! Or human sushi, as the worker said.

It all felt fantastic, and I'll write more about the funny, the nudity, and the class implications later. For now: the last push to Christmas draws near in Retailistan, so I must hie myself to bed. Thanks, Nandini!

# 23 Dec 2002, 01:19AM: Pinging in the Rain: Well, I'm sure rain will come soon enough. My point: I finally implemented network access in my room, with Michael's help. Finally, broadband on Unix in my room! I never knew I wanted this till now, much as with my recent NewsBruiser upgrade. Thanks, guys! ("Guys" here includes the inventors of broadband and python and all the foundations for my current fun.)

Filed under: Apartment Life

# 23 Dec 2002, 09:34AM: The Island of Mathematicians and Morons: Last night Michael shared a logic problem with Devin and me. Evidently Smullyan, in What Is the Name Of This Book?, mistakenly said it was insoluble, and Michael corrected him. But it took Michael at least a few months, at age 14 or so, to realize the solution, so expect a solution in this space perhaps five years from now. Title credit Devin.

Filed under: Apartment Life

# 23 Dec 2002, 09:35AM: Fine Corinthian Columns: Oh no! Jon Carroll has turned into Dave Barry!

# 24 Dec 2002, 01:05AM: Business is Up-Down-Left-Right-Left: Happy Retail Eve! Today I helped people pick gifts via demographic; I suppose I could use the Chicken Soup series for this if I had no soul.

A kind soul made booze cake for the staff. Wow. One did not need candles to get lit up on this cake. Nor an ID.

I did not realize how completely retail had altered my perception of time until I saw my manager putting up the work schedule for next week. Time exists next week? I thought this was Eskatonistan!

# 24 Dec 2002, 01:15AM: Tassel Pass: Congrats to John for graduating with various degrees from U of Maryland. Whoopeee! Wish I were there for the party, J-sobaka.

# 24 Dec 2002, 08:53AM: The Sandman Cometh: Odd dreams recently. Last night I tried to clean out my braces and accidentally broke them off my teeth. (In real life, I have no braces. I did, for a few years, in high school.)

A few nights ago, I dreamt something more disturbing: I attacked and killed an elephant. I shot it with a gun, but it did not die, so I used knives and my bare hands to kill it.

What the?

In real life,

My favorite Indian god is Ganesha, the elephant-headed one.
I fear the growing power of various Republicans.
When I was about nine, I read "Shooting an Elephant".
I was menstruating.

I must say, I do prefer these evocatively bizarre images to drab, easy-to-decipher ones where, say, my mom is haranguing me to find a book for her and I can't. No, I've never actually dreamt that.

# 24 Dec 2002, 08:55AM: Bon Mots from the Mot Shop: "People is the thinking man's Us."

"Where do you put all the books by political pundits talking about how the left are all Communists?" "You mean they're not?"

"His Dark Materials is like C.S. Lewis, only whacked!"

# 24 Dec 2002, 07:01PM: C.S. Lewis on Merry Christianity: Will you take the Atheist Challenge?

People sometimes wish me a "Merry Christmas" and then hastily amend it to "Happy Holidays" or "or whatever you celebrate" or suchlike. I honestly don't care. Does it make a difference? Do you try to act differently at this time of year than you do in mid-March? Why?

In the store, I overheard a dad say to his daughters, "Let's hurry up and buy these, we'll be late for church." All these other people have rituals that root them, that make this holiday special. All the holidays meant the same thing to me, for twenty years: I had to hang out with relatives, whether I liked it or not.

Actually, no. I grokked three holidays: Thanksgiving, New Year's, and Independence Day. But Christmas is only beginning to mean something to me, thanks to the wonderful time I had last year with Leonard's family. I wish I were there right now.

# 24 Dec 2002, 07:03PM: Postmodern Maturity: Maybe I'll work the rest of my life in mildly interesting customer service jobs. I could live with that. Scary, isn't it?

# 25 Dec 2002, 07:13PM: While watching Lagaan, I noticed the Hindu prayer scene (before the last day of the cricket match). I guess the BJP now requires such a scene in each film.

I made this joke today and my sister's friend believed me.

# 26 Dec 2002, 10:46AM: Sumana the Pink-Nosed Person: A week ago, I was asked whether my flatmate's friend could stay over a few days around Christmas. I said 'sure'. If there's room at the inn, there's room at the inn for my friends' friends.

Paolo arrived a few nights later, a spouter of tall tales, obscure references, and cynical wit.

Christmas Eve, I thought, we'd spend at home cooking, but Paolo asked me if I'd like to come with him to a Christmas get-together at his friend's. I have a cell, what can go too wrong? I figured, and got into the car.

So I met Dan, who works at KALX, and his friends Arronzo, who refers to people as "Ukranian" and "French" even if their families have lived in the US for four generations, and Ryan, who works at a coffeeshop near the Safeway and dresses like a hipster even though he's very nice.

We drove around to find food, eventually buying stuff at Saul's Deli and some Chinese place in Emeryville. I saw a Ranch 99 US Chinese chain store) shopping plaza for the first time, walking around with these Oriental-descended Asians squabbling about whether the restaurant was a tong front and updating each other with gossip on people I'd never met nor heard of. The Ranch 99 experience made my head spin with the sheer East-West lovechild vibe.

As Dan and I waited for the Chinese duck, we got to talking about friends, and weblogs, and he mentioned that he lives with a minor celebrity -- Patrick Farley, who does E-Sheep. "YOU LIVE WITH THE E-SHEEP GUY?!" I squealed.

Eventually we got back to Dan's place and I met more crazy characters as we sat down to our Christmas Eve dinner of duck, rice and coconut curry, potato salad, beets, rugelach, Coca-Cola, and soja (sake workalike).

I heard more silly, astounding stories, about Burning Man, pervert friends in Japan, and a speed freak who used to work at Reel and would break into the house to make pancakes. And more.

And I met Patrick. Wow neato! Contrary to his outdated "about" page, one of his comics has now been printed, in this month's Wired magazine (tangent: doesn't this photo resemble a Wired cover?). And he drew a seven-eyed sheep in my notebook for me, and we stayed up late watching other people play Vice City and watching extremely experimental music videos and talking.

And, of course, I could have met him earlier if I'd wanted, through Zack or Shweta, but it's probably better that I met him magically and spontaneously, without even knowing it's something I wanted.

On Christmas Day proper, I hung out with my sister, and made a MacGyver lasagna better than it had any right to be (in the end I visited 7-11 for cheese). Her friend brought dessert and we watched Abbott and Costello and Lagaan.

Paolo left last night, and I sort of miss him.

So the universe gave me a Christmas gift, a few of them, and I hope you got a nice one too.

# 26 Dec 2002, 01:00PM: Finally!: About a year ago, when I started a linguistics class, I started learning to whistle. I just experimented while on my way here or there, walking and blowing. At first I couldn't even achieve a tone, and then I could, and then I consciously raise or lowered or recessed my tongue or lips to find different pitches. And now I don't even have to think about it! I whistle off-key and within a limited range, but now I can whistle melodies. In just a year!

# 27 Dec 2002, 01:01AM: Daydreams: I find myself thinking of photos to use as headshots in case I get famous. How 'bout this one?

Filed under: Comedy

# 27 Dec 2002, 09:06AM: Yesterday, upon encountering my cheerful demeanor, a customer said, "This must be your first day." No, sir, it was my last ever on the register, cross your fingers.

# 27 Dec 2002, 07:38PM: The default "end conversation" phrase has now changed to "Is there anything else I can do for you?". This seems to apply in all situations, work or no. This worries me.

# 29 Dec 2002, 12:30PM: Yesterday I surprised Leonard by riding Amtrak to Bakersfield and spending time with his family. Despite my fears, he hadn't discovered my plot. We enjoyed a lovely evening and the family surprised me with several lovely gifts, including lots of candy, two sweaters, many great bookmarks, about six pairs of socks, beauty supplies, a poster, and notepads. (I just know I'm forgetting something.)

Amazingly, the QuikTrak machine at the Richmond Amtrak station worked, and the train was only 30 minutes late. Terrif! Frances colluded with me in surprising Leonard, whose mouth dropped in shock when he saw me.

Next problem: how to top this?

By the way, I'm writing and posting this whilst barrelling up I-5. Go HipTop. Last night I dreamt that I shouted to the masses at Telegraph and Durant, "The HipTop is great!" and we all shouted, "I want my HipTop!" Also, Sarah Vowell wanted me to perform alongside her. Which desire in my dream was stronger, I wonder?