After School Special (lyric sheet)

Songs © Leonard Richardson except as noted. Licensed CC-BY-SA.

After School Special

(© Kaplan/Richardson/Straub, 4/27/2002)

Poor Scott Baio
Overdosed on mayo
And they found his body lying in the park
The swim meet failed
When the cheerleaders were jailed
And the swimmers all got eaten by the shark
Our parents got divorced
So my sis and I were forced
To see to it that broken hearts were mended
But everything we tried
Took them further from our side
And then there was a freeze frame and it ended

And when I die all they'll find in me
Is caffeine, codeine, and Ecstacy
I'm an after school special and there's nothing you can do
I don't want the same thing happening to you

My friends wanted me
To play Advanced D&D
I could tell from the start it wasn't right
I didn't want to play
But they said it'd be okay
And I turned into a killer overnight
I stalked the neighborhood
'Cause I thought it'd feel good
And I'd never been so happy in my life
But they caught up to me
And they took my Sword +3
So I had to do it with a butter knife

My friend and me I guess
Dialed up a BBS
And we downloaded a file that was bad
We made an atom bomb
But the ratio was wrong
And all we did was make the neighbors mad
So we got my daddy's gun
And we thought we'd have some fun
Shooting at the pigeons in the trees
But our fun was at an end
When I blew away my friend
And came down with a horrible disease

And when I die all they'll find in me
Is caffeine, codeine, and Ecstacy
I'm a cautionary tale that you ought to take to heart
And you'll stick around for He-Man if you're smart



She was standing on the platform
I was shooting at the blocks
She was yelling, time was running out
I was looking in a power box
I was jumping on a trampoline
I was killing, happy, fancy-free
She was pacing, waiting passively
She's a bitwise NOT of me

She was frog, and I was antifrog
And she said "I won't be happy when you're gone."
She was there, and I was moving on
I began again and there she was
On this level all games are alike
In a sense we are identical
I was frog, and she was antifrog
From this distance it all looks the same

I was going across the freeway
She was waiting, floating down a stream
She made my place a happy home
She was worth 500 points to me
I touched her and I kissed her neck
I promised her a plate of flies
I promised her five little boxes
But she was tired of listening to my lies

She was frog, and I was antifrog
And she said "I won't be happy 'til you're gone."
She was there, and I was backing out
If she had eyes she would have stared me down
On a runway, in a hotel room
In a house upon the skating ramp
In the graphics in between the games
I can meet her anywhere I am

I went off on some adventure
She stayed home and battled pixel dust
I was fighting for no reason
I'd do anything to earn her trust
I got hearts and gems and points and such
She wouldn't let me bring them through the door
Went around and gave it all away
Don't know why I got them for

I was frog, and she was antifrog
And I said "How 'bout a Whopper from Burger King?"
It was spring, and love was in the air
But that's just the palette colors talking
In a funny way I understand
In a way I cannot understand
From this distance it all looks the same
But the underlying fact remains
I was frog
I was frog
I was frog

Hard Like Steel Pk5 (not classy)

(Lyrics found in spam, 01/14/2006)

Hard like steel Pk5
Suffering from short pennis?
Introduce revolition "Thunder" formula with guaaranteed sizes increase (or moneyy back)
Users reported 2 inches extra in size
3x pleasurable orgasms
27% thicker
Why Waiting?

Viagra Pro has become available since 1998 and

(Lyrics found in spam, 01/14/2006)

You search for the perfect erection
For safety and pure protection
You want just to win
Not to lose
Viagra Pro is what you choose

Viagra Pro is something
That you try once and never want to give up
Viagra Pro helps everybody
No matter how old you are 2

How long you have had erectile dysfunction
How often you have erectile dysfunction
In fact, it helps everybody
Except for women

Attack Of The Good Ol' Boys From Planet Honky-Tonk


Our weapons did no good
We fought the best we could
But in the end, none but a fool
Would dispute their iron rule
Or dare defy the Good Ol' Boys From Planet Honky-Tonk

There was no way to win
Our supplies were mighty thin
When we came out with our hands
Wrapped in electric bands
Provided by the Good Ol' Boys From Planet Honky-Tonk

They put us in a zoo
And each day, from ten til two
We were gawked at by their kind
We prayed that we would find
Some weakness of the Good Ol' Boys From Planet Honky-Tonk

Then these beings from past the stars
Bought electric guitars
And then to our great shock
Discovered classic rock
And whiskey and the Playboy Calendar Playmate of the Month

And nevermore posed a threat
Or at least, they haven't yet
And our hearts are filled with pride
To live and work beside
Our alien friends, the Good Ol' Boys From Planet Honky-Tonk

The Whiskey Rebellion Activity Zone


When I was younger and friends were away
I'd build mental theme parks and in them I'd play
I'd reenact battles like Custer's Last Stand
And cross the Delaware with a flag in my hand
I'd tag along shotgun on Paul Revere's ride
Hold Boston Tea Parties while staying inside
But my top destination when I was alone
Was the Whiskey Rebellion Activity Zone

And it's call out the army and call up the tax
Here are the questions and here are the facts
When history's on your side you're never alone
In the Whiskey Rebellion Activity Zone

My imagination matured with my taste
And out of some construction paper and paste
I built Watergateslides, and in Lego bricks
Depicted the Spirit of '76
The critics agreed Framersland was first-rate
With Benjamin Franklin a-straddlin' the gate
But my greatest source of imagined reknown
Was the Whiskey Rebellion Activity Zone

Well ever since the Singularity hit
They've been keeping close tabs on each atom and bit
'Cause heaven forbid you should live for all time
Or turn into superintelligent slime
But they're building new theme parks all over the place
For containing what's left of the old human race
And the greatest adventure of those I've been shown
Is the Whiskey Rebellion Activity Zone

Sand Bar


Well there's a brand new place on my alibi
It's the place where vegetables go to die
I'm gonna drink my fill of chlorophyll
At the sand bar opening over the hill

It's the swingingest place you've ever seen
They serve vegetarian Soylent Green
You gotta swallow that sweet and sour pill
At the sand bar opening over the hill

Android Assassin From Vega XV, The


She was mean, obscene, and squeaky clean
About the size of a lima bean
Her steely eye had a maniacal gleam
The android assassin from Vega XV

House, M.D.


I have consumed too much of a heavy metal (molybdenum)
I harbor an obscure parasite in my small intestine (down by the pool)
Every fifteen minutes my condition worsens (commercial for car)
Because I lied about practices some viewers may find disturbing (discretion advised)

Only one man has the basic medical knowledge
Only one man can perform the simple procedure
Only one man can treat me with such contempt

House, M.D.
Fix what's wrong with me



I am a cowboy, I wear a big hat
I live in Miami and I have a cat
I ride on the ocean, work on a cruise ship
And I entertain retirees with a replacement hip

Yip-ee-yi, I'm a cowboy, as free as can be
I do some rope tricks, tell cowboy poetry
It's three squares a day and it's easy to do
You may think I'm a phony but hell, so are you

Yip-ee-yi, I'm a cowboy, you can't say I'm not I've got all the gear that a cowboy has got
I live my own life, sleep under the big sky
If the president's a cowboy, then hell, so am I


(© Mike Popovic, 07/19/2006)

I am a pirate, I wear a big hat
I live in Orlando and I have a cat
I work in a theme park, I sail a fake ship
All to entertain children who are jaded and hip

Yo ho ho, I'm a pirate, as free as can be
I do some sword tricks, sing old sea chanteys
It keeps the grog flowing and it's easy to do
You may think I'm a phony but yaar, so are you

Yo ho ho, I'm a pirate, you can't say I'm not
I've got all the gear that a pirate has got
I answer to no man, I let my flag fly
If Johnny Depp is a pirate, then yaar, so am I



That's my name
Just the same as it was
Stands for Doob
And the other Doob


(© Kaplan/Richardson/Straub, 12/28/2002)

Seeking employment
Just for the summer
Working the counter
Down at the center
You were a maverick
New to the business
Days from retirement
I was your mentor

Something about you
Made us forgive you
When you got drunk and
Soiled the Peavey
You thought the whole world
Was a big party
You thought the whole world
Worked like MTV

Will you miss me
When you find I'm not in jail?
We sent you up the river
At the post-Thanksgiving sale
You were jamming like Bob Marley
With a twenty buck guitar
But all you could play was some "Stairway"
And "Come As You Are"

Started a rumble
Who would have thought that
So many customers
Would have brought knives in?
It was distressing
Seeing the mosh pit
Even more so when
The manager dives in

For a brief moment
He was an idol
Pouring his dreams out
A superstar
But when the firemen
Came to our rescue
All that was left was
A shattered guitar

Will you hate me
When the bill comes in the mail?
Don't forget you broke our merchandise
At the post-Thanksgiving sale
You were blowing out the woofer
On our demo amplifier
You wouldn't cut your solo
So we had to cut the wire
Everything you touch
Seems to turn to rock 'n' roll
But even ol' George Zimmer
Can't guarantee your soul
(I can't stop!)

Put Meat On The Online Bone

It's incomplete when a bone lacks meat:
Put meat on the online bone.

This document (source) is part of Crummy, the webspace of Leonard Richardson (contact information). It was last modified on Saturday, August 18 2007, 14:34:29 Nowhere Standard Time and last built on Monday, February 06 2023, 17:00:01 Nowhere Standard Time.

Crummy is © 1996-2023 Leonard Richardson. Unless otherwise noted, all text licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Document tree:
Site Search: