Jake's -1 Birthday Party

Stand by for action
Stay tuned for fun
Turn back the hands of time
Jake is negative two
I mean one

The Ballad of Michigan J.

My Dyslexic Anorexic from Texas

My dyslexic anorexic from Texas
She's the belle of every ball
She can't read and she don't eat
And her bones have got no meat
And it's rare that she says anything at all

Well her golden hair is done with peroxide
And her boobs are pure silicone
She's my dyslexic anorexic from Texas
And I love her as my own

Super Decaffeinated Sodomy Lite

The moment's here
The time is right
For Super Decaffeinated Sodomy Lite

Gods and Numbers

There's a hole in my pocket, it's true
And I'm sure it's a subtle and hermetic clue
To your most inner workings, but I shudder to think
What my father would think if he knew
About you

There's a God in the heavens, it's true
And he makes as a hobby the study of you
I can't say that I blame him, but I shudder to think
What my father would think if he knew
About you

There's a hole in the mountain, it's true
And I want to climb down it and stay there with you
And away from the numbers that equal my father
I'll lay
Down with you

Yes, away from my father's recurrence relation I'll lay
Down with you

Jake's Betrayal

I dreamed I was at Jake's birthday party
Disguised as a humble man of the sea
Jake said "Objections, anyone?
If I turn twenty-one?
Does anyone object?"

I dreamed I saw Jake's birthday party
Live on my cable MTV
Jake said "Cut! You did it wrong!
We need a different song!
Something by Pearl Jam!"

I wept when I heard the five
Op'ning notes of Pearl Jam's "Alive"
Jake smiled, and he raised a glass
I changed the channel fast
But the memory still haunts me

I awoke in a stranger's bed
"Is there hope for man?" I said
"After all is said and done?"
But answer there came none
Except a pointed hand

I saw, through the window, scenes
And was told what each one means
But whether we will touch the sky
Or wither, stoop, and die
Remains unknown to me


Well when springtime comes, I look to the winter again
Cause when winter comes I know I'll be looking to spring
Cause when springtime comes I know I'll be having a ball
And wanting without having is a
More pleasant thing

So dig a grave
Spit inside
Have a big party though nobody's died
Fill the grave
Bury the dirt
Bury your hurt

Feel the mud
Between your toes
Feel the big power that nobody knows
Feel it squish
Under your feet
Isn't it neat?

But when you're with me I put all these thoughts to the side
And spring is the present, and I'm standing here on the ground
Since I make my living from being neurotic and sad
It's most inconvenient being so happy
When you're around

Die With My Imaginary Boots On

I met a fella once who drove a Chevy
Hit him with a bottle real fine
He threw me to the ground
On the floor that night they found
Twenty teeth, but all of them were mine
And I'm

Gonna die with my imaginary boots on
The cowboy way's a matter of course
As ornery as ten
Ordinary men
I had to shoot my nonexistant horse

So I'm writing up my own obituary
Before I join that line dance in the sky
My finger is a gun
When all is said and done
No one knows me better than do I

Peanut Butter and KY Jelly

Not so much a class as a seminar
Not so much a seminar as
One woman talking in the anarchist's bookstore
Sexual ways of the working class

Light she was, and two-dimensional
When I tossed her on the bed
Yet her voice was somewhat sensual
And this is what she said to me

You can come on my belly
Peanut butter and KY Jelly
Garter belts and bobby socks
And sappy love letters in my lunchbox
I don't know why I believe this
I don't know why I behave this
I don't know what makes me feel this way

A Harvest of Death

Jacob has convinced a lot of people that it is not only acceptable, but even desirable, to reap a harvest of death.

Alien Nature Documentary

Everything I say is in questionable taste
Every indication says my life has been a waste
But I can say whatever I want to say
And not be understood
Everything's okay in my neighborhood

Everyone I meet is a readership's delight
In the autobiographical novel that I write
And I can do whatever I want to do
And never be observed
And I know I got what I deserved

Everything I do is more than it appears
A coded message reaching out a hundred million years
And I can make whatever I want to make
Words and deeds and goods
Everything's fine in the heart of my neck of the woods

Holiday Show

An oyster on the half-shell
Met a sardine in a tin
The oyster on the half-shell
Was invited to come on in
They summoned all their brothers
Of the shell and of the fin
The seafood all showed up at the holiday show

Of course there was King Salmon
Resplendent in his court
His ministers and family
Arranged from tall to short
And many cheerful tuna
Of the ordinary sort
The seafood all dressed up for the holiday show

And now we heard the popping
Of bottles of champagne
A toast of wine and caviar
That fell on us like rain
The salmon were disturbed by this
But their loss was our gain
The seafood all got drunk at the holiday show

And in came people swarming
To partake of the feast
To feed on all the carcasses
Of fish and fowl and beast
And none were left to tell the tale
(Of consequence, at least)
The seafood all got et at the holiday show

100 Amazing Facts About Jake Berendes

Theme And Variation on Your Proximity to the Ribeyes of Texas

The ribeyes of Texas are upon you
They're coming closer each and every day
Oh, they'll kick you in the ribs
And they'll poke you in the eyes
And they'll hurt you in a million different ways

The ribeyes of Texas are upon you
All the livelong day
The ribeyes of Texas are upon you
You cannot get away
You will never quite escape them
Rise up so early in the morn
The ribeyes of Texas are upon you
Till Gabriel blows his horn

Letters From the Dead

My time is wasted on letters from the dead
Pointless reminders of things they never said or did
And I am tired of explaining this to thee
That I am not responsible for acts of me

And all the envelopes
That say you may already be a winner, stamped
With boilerplate and forwarding address although
I've never been a winner and I'm not about to start

My time is wasted on speakers for the dead
And condemnations of things I never said or did
And I am tired of being of some use
Replacing all their questions with the same excuse

And the excuse is that
A reasonable reason does exist, although
The living and the dead will pass away before
A one among them comprehends its rationality

My time is wasted resolving all these bills
Pointless reminders of dues they've never paid and never will
And I am tired of walking all their dogs
And fishing through their Christmas present catalogs

And all the envelopes
That say you may already be a winner, though
The name inside the window isn't mine and though
I'm not as old and stupid as they seem to think I am

My time is wasted
And I will never join the people writing letters from the dead

3 Stupid Mentos Song Parodies

Adam's Song:
It doesn't matter what comes
When you're burning in hell
And you've already sold your soul
Flames lick up at you
Satan giggles and points
Mentos cannot help you now

Fresh goes better
Mentos freshness
Fresh goes better
In the minty flames of hell

A Moral Lesson About Moral Lessons

It was amorphic
It was horrific
It was a demon
Sent from the pits
And "Oh Susanna"
It sang Santana's

Beneath the treeline
It made a beeline
To the First Baptist
First Church of Christ
And did a stand-in
It had a hand in
The church's Hallo
ween House of

There was a hellhound
Outside the hell house
It turned its tail and
It ran away
Humans, however
Are not so clever
They did not live to
See the

Its true endowment
Was disembowlment
And it accomplished
This task with grace
The locals playing
At sins and flaying
Soon felt the maggots
Chew their

And so a warning
Halloween morning
To not attempt to
Be making jokes
Or be finessin'
A moral lesson
From the torments of

Should you agree a
Nifty idea
Would be a walkthrough
Of this sort
You will be shocked to
Find yourself rocked to
The very darkest

Jake's Answering Machine Message

Good morning this is Jake Berendes I am not here at the moment I am at the Chinese bakery I am at the outdoor market I am at the YMCA I am at the barbeque and I am playing in the park and at the Worcester petting zoo I am not here to take your call please accept my apology I am here at the museum of science and technology I've got a lot to do today and several places I should be so if you'll leave a message I will pass it right along to me I need to fix my bicycle I need to build a robot which will destroy all my enemies if I will merely flip a switch I need to find a postcard of a record from a movie of a novel that I heard of while I was drunk at a party when I have completed all these tasks I will hijack a limousine and take it to a place in Pennsylvania that I've never seen I'll hitchhike home and hit a button which will play the words which you should whisper through your telephone regarding what you called me for beep

Waiting For The Sun

She's too bright to behold
And her halo is gold
Says the man on the bench
Looking up at the sky
I sit here every day
Watching her and I pray
She will notice someone as small as I

When I see her I know
That her heart is aglow
But for whom does it burn?
Maybe I'll never learn
I know she loves another
For she's never met me
And I know from his words
That he will always be

Waiting for the sun
In the park, on the bench
That was painted yesterday
To match his suit, in his suit
All dressed up and looking smart
Though I speak as a friend
There's no easy way to say
That she'll only break his heart

He observes his love through
A tiny pin hole
In a piece of cardboard
Yet his heart still is full
He longs to be part
Of her billion-year story
And to burn out his retinas
In a blaze of glory

Waiting for the sun
To come to earth
And to burn
Everything but he and her
As they were
On the day
When the two eclipsed the moon
Though I speak
As a friend
There's no easy way to say
That he's crazy as a loon

Rain of Rain

In accordance with prophecy
Today's gonna be the day
Everything is changing
Ain't never gonna be the same
There will be a rain of frogs
And a rain of blood
And a rain of rain

The haughty rich, the humble poor
All will be consumed
In a fiery cataclysm
Everyone is doomed
It will be a hundred thousand times
Worse than we had assumed

In accordance with prophecy
After the sky has burst
The last will still be last
The first will still be first
And no one will
Even remember the date
Of the end of the earth

Susie's Mother's Tamales

I bet your mother makes
The best tamales ever
I bet she uses onions
And little bits of pepper
I'll tell you when I know
I'll show you when I wanna
I've got a ways to go
Susie Villazana

Jake Berendes West Covina

Jake Berendes
West Covina
Jake Berendes
With Pomona
With feelin'


Gonna shut down the shops
Gonna shut down the strip mall
Gonna shut down the Seven Eleven
(Gonna shut down the Seven Eleven)

Jake Berendes
Jake Berendes


Gonna burn down the shops
Gonna burn down the strip mall
Gonna burn down the Seven Eleven
(Gonna burn down the Seven Eleven)

Jake Berendes
Agora Hills!
Jake Berendes


Jake Berendes
West Covina
Jake Berendes
West Covina

(repeat and fade)

This document (source) is part of Crummy, the webspace of Leonard Richardson (contact information). It was last modified on Saturday, September 08 2007, 21:15:58 Nowhere Standard Time and last built on Sunday, March 26 2023, 21:00:01 Nowhere Standard Time.

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