Jake's Birthday Party

[Note: If you know the folk song that goes "I have a dear old daddy/For whom I nightly pray/He has a set of whiskers/That are always in the way/Oh, they're always in the way/They're always in the way/They hide the dirt on daddy's shirt/They're always in the way", that's pretty much how this song goes.]

1. My name is Jake Berendes
   They call me Jakey B.
   I format my agendas
   When I get up to pee
   
   When I get up to pee
   When I get up to pee
   I format my agendas
   When I get up to pee
   
   
2. I live in Massachusetts
   I'm kind of hard to miss
   I'd tell you more about me
   But ignorance is bliss
   
   But ignorance is bliss &tc.
   
   
3. Those aren't my invitations
   I don't know why you're here
   But make yourselves comfy and
   I'll get us all a beer
   
   
4. My name is Alice Toklas
   My friend is Gertrude Stein
   With big ol' goofy hairdos
   We party all the time
   
   
5. Now ladies, don't get heavy
   Please sit a while and chat
   Would you like some brownies?
   There's normal and low fat
   
   
6. Although I wouldn't like to face
   A large and angry crowd
   I've had it up to here with this
   These people are too loud
   
   
7. The party's kind of rowdy
   I've dealt with this before
   I'll get some punch and stuff but
   There's someone at the door
   
   
8. We are the Action News Team
   We come from Channel 2
   The women all wear pink, it's
   The girly thing to do
   
   
9. We all march in formation
   We're tough and won't relent
   We'd like to ask you questions
   About this grand event
   
   
10. My name is Jake Berendes
    I do not have a clue
    As to what this party is
    Or what these people do
    
    
11. You stupid little bastard
    You cannot fool us
    We know you planned this party
    Mr. Berendus
    
    
12. Let's take away his glasses
    Let's kick him in the shins
    Let's hit him with a stuffed racoon
    Right where his thigh begins
    
    
13. My name is Barbara Walters
    Reporting from the scene
    My tiny little headset
    Is like a lima bean
    
    
14. My outfit is astounding
    My earrings are supreme
    But as for the occasion
    I cannot see a thing
    
    
15. Hey people I'm the MC
    Our guest of honor here
    Is mister Jake Berendes
    He's over there--oh dear!
    
    
16. Please move aside, you cretins
    You almost knocked him out
    We need Björk to come here
    And give him mouth-to-mouth
    
    
17. Now Jacob, won't you come here
    And take your rightful place
    For as the guest of honor
    You must pick up the Pace (New York City!)
    
    
18. I'd like to introduce now
    Our great celebrities
    They're gonna form a panel
    Untie the first one, please
    
    
19. My name is William Shatner
    I'm TV's Captain Kirk
    I tried to crash the party
    It didn't really work
    
    
20. My name is Mr. Rogers
    I'm happy to report
    My use of hunting rifles
    Is classified as sport
    
    
21. My name is Jimi Hendrix
    I curse my lucky star
    Some stupid with a flare gun
    Is burning my guitar
    
    
22. My name is Richard Simmons
    I've had it with you squares
    I go on infomercials
    And hawk my groovy wares
    
    
23. My name is Chilly Willy
    It freaking isn't Tux
    I'm not the Linux penguin
    I'm from Woody Woodpecker
    
    
24. Now Jake, we have a question
    Who would you like to see
    Covered in Pepto Bismol
    And elbowed in the knee?
    
    
25. I'll make a slight digression
    Outside the box, I think
    I'd choose those freaks from Channel
    2, they're already pink
    
    
26. This ringing in my ears it
    Will not leave me alone
    I suppose it might help if
    I went and got the phone
    
    
27. Hi Jake, yeah, this is Leonard
    I'm sorry I forgot
    Your birthday, I was held up by
    An evil Commie plot
    
    
28. With flouride in our water
    Godzilla on the screen
    They planned to make the US
    A communist regime
    
    
29. Along with Richard Feynman
    I fought them valliantly
    And so our recent danger
    Is over. QED.
    
    
30. So Jake, be glad I saved you
    And the whole USA
    I've got some stuff to do now
    So see you soon, OK?
    
    
31. You folks are all so nifty
    I'm really glad you came
    If Jacob were coherent
    I'm sure he'd say the same
    
    
32. A question for the panel
    The lady in the front
    She asks of Mr. Rogers
    What is it that you hunt?
    
    
33. I hunt for wandering eggplants
    Departed from their nests
    And herds of wild berries at
    The government's behest
    
    
34. To Mr. William Shatner
    Is it really true
    That on the set with Nimoy
    You drank a pint of glue?
    
    
35. A wealth of information
    Has shown it to be false
    For on the set with Nimoy
    I danced the "Minute Waltz"
    
    
36. And finally, for the penguin
    The flightless little bird
    How does it feel to be the pride
    Of every geek and nerd?
    
    
37. I'm not the Linux pengiun
    I'm Chilly Willy, folks
    And those who can't distinguish
    Twixt he and I are dolts
    
    
38. Well that concludes our panel
    And now before they go
    Let's all rev up our elbows
    And ready the Pepto
    
    
39. Ow, ow, ow, splat
    Ow, ow, ow, spat
    Ow, ow, ow, splat
    Ow, splat, ow, splat
    
    
40. Well folks, the scene is shocking
    As Action News has learned
    We've got it all on tape so watch
    For it on Howard Stern
    
    
41. Repulsed by this preversion
    We must not leave the jake
    We're filming every minute
    For journalism's sake
    
    
42. But film is running out and
    Our makeup's fading fast
    And so we leave Jake Manor
    With relics from the past (We swiped stuff from his nightstand)
    
    
43. Well folks that was exciting
    Some hurtful, messy fun
    But keep your panties on cause
    The party's just begun
    
    
44. And now for our guest speaker
    I'd like to introduce
    Mr. Eric Raymond of
    The Order Of The Moose
    
    
45. My name is Eric Raymond, with
    The blessing of our host
    I will discuss the methods
    Of buttering one's toast
    
    
46. Now some folks take the knife and
    Spread butter on the bread
    And this I call the method
    Of falling out of bed
    
    
47. But if you take the toast first
    And rub it on the pat
    Of butter, that's the method
    Of affidaviat [sic]
    
    
48. Now are there any questions?
    I'll have to make it fast
    For time is swiftly fleeting
    And it can never last
    
    
49. Oh Mr. Eric Raymond
    I've asked you this before
    But how did you come up with
    That freaky metaphor?
    
    
50. It's very, very simple
    To simple to explain
    Now if you'll all excuse me
    I have to catch a train
    
    
51. Well that was just amazing
    Let's give him all a hand
    And now I'm proud to introduce
    The Richard Stallman Band
    
    
52. Come on now and share the software
    You'll be free, hackers
    You'll be free
    Come on now and share the software
    
    
53. You'll be free, hackers
    You'll be free
    Hoarders can make piles of money
    This is true, hackers
    
    
54. This is true
    But they cannot help their neighbors
    That's not good, hackers
    That's not good
    
    
55. When we've got enough free software
    At our call, hackers
    At our call
    We'll throw out those dirty licenses
    
    
56. Evermore, hackers
    Evermore
    Come on now and share the software
    You'll be free, hackers
    
    
57. You'll be free
    Come on now and share the software
    You'll be free, hackers
    You'll be free
    
    
58. Enough with these weird in-jokes
    It's more than I can take
    I thought this was a party
    A party for the jake
    
    
59. Well hold on mister, hold it
    It's not for you to say
    What we do or don't do
    On Jacob's special day
    
    
60. A party's not a party
    Without some party games
    Let's beat and poke each other
    Til nothing else remains
    
    
61. Again you speak too hastily
    We're getting to the fun
    Prepare the guests for Party
    Diversion Number One!
    
    
62. Now here we have a donkey
    We've taken off his tail
    So won't you wear this blindfold
    And jab him with this nail?
    
    
63. Now wait a minute, people
    What shame has come to pass?
    I will not take this nail
    And jab this donkey's ass
    
    
64. It's not a real donkey
    So have no fear and push
    That antiseptic nail
    Right in that creature's tush
    
    
65. I'd really feel better
    A happy Jake I'd be
    If you'd remove my blindfold
    And let me have a see
    
    
66. Oh fine, remove the blindfold
    Let Jakey boy perceive
    The not-a-real-donkey
    That he may now believe
    
    
67. This is a real donkey
    You wanted me to hurt
    It moves its head and vomits
    And nibbles on my shirt
    
    
68. It's just a model donkey
    That walks around and brays
    We made it out of cardboard
    It took us twenty days
    
    
69. But if you won't believe us
    Even though it's true
    We'll scrap it and move on to
    Diversion Number Two
    
    
70. Behold the big pinata
    It's full of candy treats
    Of Snickers bars and Mallomars
    And chocolate-covered beets
    
    
71. It's shaped just like a donkey
    So put this blindfold on
    And whack with this here baseball bat
    Til the pinata's gone
    
    
72. This is the same old donkey
    It seems that all you've done
    Is wrapped him in crepe paper
    For you to have your fun
    
    
73. He will not hurt the donkey
    This much we plainly see
    It's time to move to Party
    Diversion Number Three
    
    
74. We're rolling in a cake now
    Although it's made of wood
    I'm sure you'll find the contents
    To be extremely good
    
    
75. Now, is some brazen hussy
    To come out of this tart
    And bump and grind against me
    To win my teenaged heart?
    
    
76. Well Jake, that's quite perceptive
    That's just what we had planned
    The finest brazen hussy
    In Massachusetts land
    
    
77. Well guys, I just don't trust you
    I think it's all a plot
    To make me hurt the donkey
    A thing which I will not
    
    
78. The time has come for action
    We can't stand idly by
    And let that donkey wander
    By Jake's hand it must die
    
    
79. Now people, people, people
    As emcee I must say
    There's no need to be angry
    On Jacob's special day
    
    
80. Let's just forget the donkey
    And all those silly games
    Continue with the party
    Let no one spoil our aims
    
    
81. MC, what is the purpose
    Of all these people here?
    I sure did not invite them
    Into my home so dear
    
    
82. Now Jake, just have a seat and
    Enjoy the company
    There's revelry and magic
    And serendipity
    
    
83. I must insist, oh emcee
    To know what brings you round
    There is no rhyme or reason to
    This party I have found
    
    
84. Well Jake, today is your day
    And we're here to ensure
    That nothing interferes with
    Your entertainment, sir
    
    
85. You send out invitations
    To everyone alive
    And all to entertain me
    Well that just doesn't jive
    
    
86. Now calm yourself, young fellow
    All will be made clear
    Now be a groovy pumper
    And get your pal a beer
    
    
87. These freakazoids are too much
    I think they are insane
    I must make my escape before
    They pour me down the drain
    
    
88. The Master of Ceremonies
    Is clearly not all there
    Delighting in my anguish
    I ought to light a flare
    
    
89. It's shameful, really, having
    To escape my own house
    But best I make my exit
    While all of them are soused
    
    
90. This is the song narrator
    And so, intrepid Jake
    Departed through the window
    And ran off towards the lake
    
    
91. His home was taken over
    By weirdos of all types
    By people who wore shorts with
    Big stupid racing stripes
    
    
92. He knew not what could happen
    He knew not where to go
    And yet he started running
    And now back to our show
    
    
93. My name is Dana Scully
    My partner's name is Fox
    I have to tell him, "Mulder..."
    He's so unorthodox
    
    
94. We've come from television
    Here to investigate
    That strange and monstrous creature
    Known only as "the jake"
    
    
95. He was here at the party
    We saw him here ourselves
    But he has strangely disappeared
    Like one of Mulder's elves
    
    
96. We've searched inside the bathtub
    We've searched the closet space
    There is no way around it
    He must have left this place
    
    
97. I tell you Scully, Jake must
    Have powers beyond man's
    For how else could he pump out
    Such funkadelic jams?
    
    
98. It must be supernatural
    This disappearing trick
    We've sealed all the exits
    Except the ones we haven't
    
    
99. Mulder, I just got a call
    Upon my little phone
    Confirming what we thought at first
    The jake has left his home
    
    
100. The beast has now been spotted
     He's moving towards the lake
     He leaves a trail of records
     And ramen in his wake
     
     
101. What is the jake's location?
     What is his current state?
     We must expose the cover-up
     We must investigate
     
     
102. We have some grainy photos
     We have some stories, too
     We have a fake autopsy
     That's the best we could do
     
     
103. I think that we should show this
     To the FBI
     The other agents mock us
     But this they can't deny
     
     
104. We can't use that as evidence
     That stuff will never last
     We've got to head out to our car
     And drive it really fast [Vroom!]
     
     
105. Amazing, Jake's endurance
     The speed at which he moves
     And yet he still continues
     To toss the funky grooves
     
     
106. Now Scully, that's unusual
     You must concede that he
     Who beatboxes while running
     Must supernatural be
     
     
107. Now Mulder, I am sure that
     The explanation's there
     It may be plate tectonics
     Or something in the air
     
     
108. At last we now approach him
     He crawls and gasps for breath
     I fear his royal Jakeness
     Is nearing certain death
     
     
109. There's only one way, Scully
     To find what it's about
     You must revive poor Jacob
     By giving mouth-to-mouth
     
     
110. Now Mulder, this is silly
     There's some conspiracy
     To get hot chicks to press their lips
     'Gainst those of Jakey B.
     
     
111. Oh, would you stop complaining?
     We must find out the truth
     If it means sucking face with Jake
     I'm sure not gonna do it
     
     
112. Now hold it there, young lovers
     You're missing out real bad
     There is a swingin' party
     At Jake Berendes's pad
     
     
113. Oh Scully, Mulder, help me
     This awful, awful man
     Is forcing me to party
     As only bastards can
     
     
114. Now fellas, fellas, join us
     To celebrate the jake
     The jam was getting stuffy
     So we've moved it to the lake
     
     
115. And here's the best part, Jacob
     The part I couldn't say
     The reason for this party
     Is your nineteenth birthday
     
     
116. You total, utter moron!
     You tortured me for this?
     You think that I don't even know
     When my own birthday is?
     
     
117. Oh man, I never thought of that
     I do apologize
     I hope you'll join our party
     Please reprioritize
     
     
118. All right, I'll join your party
     But no more anguish, please
     Another party like this
     And I am bound to wheeze
     
     
119. I'm glad you've reconsidered
     We'll have a real good time
     Now everybody gather round
     And bust a birthday rhyme
     
     
120. He's creepy and he's kooky
     He's nineteen and he's Jake
     So tie him up and gag him
     And feed him birthday cake
     Yes feed... him... birth... day... cake!