Ruse You Can Bruise for August 2003

Thu Aug 07 2003 14:31 Obsessive Output As Input:

My contribution to metaness on Leonard's guest weblog: "disturbing search request"

Thu Aug 07 2003 18:39 It's Hard to Manufacture Good Yet Harmless Gossip:

For the purposes of this post, I pretend that Leonard can't see it, or me, and that I am whispering into your ear.

Leonard really likes to bake, and yet he is also trying to lose weight. These conflicting desires mean that you can get lots of cookies if you time yourself right.
His categories provide a treasure trove of bonus Leonard in the funny descriptions (e.g. Unix Philosophy).
I had been reading Crummy for over a year before I ever met Leonard. When he and I meet new people, I have to be the one to tell people how we met, because he hates telling it. Ditto for "what's open source?"

Thu Aug 07 2003 20:52:

I was thinking of writing a fake guest weblog to run while I was on my little Utah vacation, but why bother when I can get people to do an actual guest weblog that will be even more unbelievable? So, for the next week, everything above this line on the front page will be the guest weblog and below the line will be my own, (hopefully) less frequent postings. Enjoy! Serves twelve.

Thu Aug 07 2003 22:56 Microsoft Leonard 98:

Has anybody else noticed that the front page of Crummy is gradually becoming implemented entirely with NewsBruiser notebooks? First News You Can Bruise, then the Quick Update entry up there on the right, now the guest blog. Soon, it'll be Tonight's Episode (it's already got an RSS feed), then the link bar, then the <H1> tag, et cetera.

See where I'm going? Eventually the entire page will be encapsulated in one great big entry, containing SSIs to hit all the other entries. It'll be the metanotebook!

[What is this, Crummy Lite? Do you even read the blog? What makes you think metathings are the only gag on this site? --Ed. {Because they are! Look at me, I'm the metaeditor! --mEd.} AUGH! DIE! --Ed.]

Fri Aug 08 2003 19:23 From the Department Dept.:

I was informed late that "meta" is the order of the day, although it may be merely the first course -- I don't know! So until I can get up to speed, I'll let a guest weblogger fill in for my guest weblog entry. Calamari the anime squid girl was happy to contribute, with her entries given in guest-weblog-guest relative time:

Mon Jan 01 0001 00:04 (Calamari): 音楽の話を期待してるみんな、辛気臭い話ばっかでごめんなさい！今日でがんばって終わらせます。ここまで読んで「よーするにweblog文化と日本の個人サイト文化ってどーちがうの？」とお思いになる方も多いんじゃなかろうかと思います。確かに個々のサイトを取ってみれば、内容も見た目も大した違いはないのです。

Sun Aug 10 2003 16:39 Homage Photo Roundup:

Sun Aug 10 2003 17:28 Irresistible Alternative Caption:

"Exhausted by the heat, this sunbather doesn't even notice the vacationing leprachauns leaping gleefully over her face."

Mon Aug 11 2003 09:12 Spam Biology Couplet:

Dramatically Enhances Organism

Attract women on a primordial level

Mon Aug 11 2003 18:50 Semi-resistable Photo Roundup Comment:

"My, Sumana, those are some divers divers!"

Tue Aug 12 2003 00:13 "Stop, You're Both Right" Spam Roundup:

kstraub, New Rates, Lower Than Ever - Act Now
kstraub, Rates Are Skyrocketing - Now Is The Time

Tue Aug 12 2003 06:30:

Reading this MSN article about spam techniques gave me an idea. People tend to concentrate on the email face of spam--obviously, as it's the one in your face--but spammers can't make money if their websites don't work too. So you know what would be awesome? DOS attacks against spam webservers! It'd be like civil war amongst the denizens of the Dark Side. Or metaevil!

Being a Light Side hacker, of course, I don't think I could arrange that myself. But I'm just saying... y'know, if YOU know somebody... eh? Hold on, there's someone at the door. I'll be right back.

Tue Aug 12 2003 09:58 robotfindspillow:

Those crazy kids at the robotfindskitten consortium are at it again! This pillow was found by a robot in Cedar Rapids, IA. Keep 'em coming, America!

Tue Aug 12 2003 10:22 NewsBruiser Damaged Post AutoRecover©:

[... ###ebody HELP##### #######idnappe####### #######thugs,########## ############ ###### ########andle## ########### ##rturing########## ##########hat ### artic## ##### spam techniq##### ############# ##his messag###### ##send hel##-##on't kn######## ####### ###### ###olice or###### ####OH NO NOT THE EEL CHAMB########## ...]

Tue Aug 12 2003 14:50:

Since Leonard is coming home soon (quick! hide the dead guy!), I should take this opportunity to plug a few sites or other things you may enjoy.

Steve Schultz's Japan diary. Sample: "But as hard as the 'new school' toys try to be weird and 'arty' . .. the mainstream will always be just as weird, but much cheaper."
Solzhenitsyn. Currently reading The First Circle and really enjoying it. Think of One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich as your gateway drug to huge Russian novels.
Bill Santiago, a smart San Francisco comedian.
Good Eats, a hilarious and absorbing show on the Food Network. The marathon is on September 1st. Alton Brown and Christopher Kimball (America's Test Kitchen) both live in Vermont -- hello, slash!

Tue Aug 12 2003 16:07 I'm okay:

I'm okay. I had a brief encounter with a couple of k-kind gentlemen, who explained some th-things to me. I thought at first they were thugs sent by a shadowy spammers' organization, angry at me for suggesting that people attack their servers. As it turns out, though, they were just a c-couple of interested observers who wanted to help me understand what happens to people who post Microsoft-branded content on Crummy.com.

I have to say, I do feel m-much better about the whole thing now, and I regret the error of my ways. They were really very courteous, and they say there's very little chance of gangrene in my toes.

Tue Aug 12 2003 23:48 not actually praying but imagining a scene in which a person who looks like you is praying:

Slowly Downward is a site that sort of directly/indirectly influenced my writing and how I think about things. I'm not sure where I came across it. I'm not sure who does it, but I'm led to believe the guy is an album art designer for Radiohead.

A lot of his stuff is retellings of stories or dreams, fragments of things. I always wanted to be able to write like that. I have this idea for the shortest story in the world, one that conveyed horrible urgency or infinite sadness in one sentence. I don't think I'm able to write it.

P.S. Dear LiveJournal, I'm so, so depressed and full of beauty. I have to remember to get to Hot Topic and buy that faux-vintage Astroboy t-shirt.

mood | melancholy
music | Coldplay - I'm Uncertain and Terrified of Change

Wed Aug 13 2003 07:15 The Twelve Days of Leonard:

I'll just write the complete last verse and leave the rest as an exercise for the reader.

On the 12th day of August, Sumana sent to me:
12 hals a-tooting
11 writing elmores
10 'tiquing maltins
9 bernsteins playing
8 cohens singing
7 jackies joking
6 leonards parting
5 roy rogers!
4 sugar rays
3 peltiers
2 mr. spocks
and a leonard richardson!

Wed Aug 13 2003 08:01 Ambiguous Headline Watch ~~Fromage~~ Homage:

Second suit alleges mint sexual harassment

Callard & Bowser were not returning phone calls.

Wed Aug 13 2003 21:16:

"Brendan Brendan Brendan! Wake up!"

"Bah! I was having a dream about having a dream! What do you want?"

It was Bob, Leonard's idea man. It had been exactly one year since the last time he made an appearance at Crummy, and he was bound to have some wacky new scheme boiling over in his head.

"Are you ready? Are you ready? Okay, you may want to pop some St. John's Wort or something first, calm your nerves. Here it goes. You should write a short story about 'Jake Berendes West Covina!'"

"So... a metastory, basically."

"Exactly!"

I couldn't help but sigh. "Bob, meta is so done. Meta is so last Saturday. Meta is played. No, meta is metaplayed."

I could tell by the injured silence from my cell phone's earpiece that I'd hurt his feelings. I silently reprimanded myself. I knew better than that; marketing people have to be let down gently, like kittens.

"Well... look, Bob, don't you have anything else? Maybe a collectible card game of Guess the Verb? Or The Eater of Meaning, this time with a non-gluten eating option?"

"The metastory was my first idea this month," Bob sniffed. "But it was so captivating I didn't bother to come up with any more... well, except one."

"What's that?"

"Oh, I just thought maybe you could post that graphic novel adaptation of '... West Covina' you're always talking about. You know, just whatever you've got so far."

"Will the first five pages assuage your wounded heart?"

"I guess I can at least make some banner ads out of it."

"Consider it done, Bob. Consider it done."

Thu Aug 14 2003 09:48:

National Geographic finds new dinosaur species in India!

The dinosaur has been named "Rajasaurus Narmadensis" or the regal reptile from Narmada and is a 30-foot-long, carnivorous and stocky animal, with an unusual head crest, the group said in a statement Wednesday.

"Basically," said Paul Sereno, paleontologist, "it's to the T-Rex what Skipper is to Barbie."[0]

[0] Paul Sereno did not actually say this.

Ruse You Can Bruise for 2003 August