News You Can Bruise for 1998 March 6

The Big Lebowski ROCKS! It is better than Fargo! It is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen! The part at the end with the nihilists setting fire to Dude's car had me laughing so hard I was pounding the unforgiving plastic seats of the theatre (I am wont to pound on things when I'm laughing really, really hard, as Angie Hernandez can attest). Not to mention the total disrespect for the persons and property of every character in the film on the part of every character in the film. Oh, man. See it. NOW! Although if you're under 18, you'd have to go with your parents, and they might not appreciate it.

    In the tradition of, well, the tradition of something, I'll cast myself and my friends in roles from The Big Lebowski:

• Jeff Lebowski: Adam. Adam is Mr. Slacker. Although you'd have to take Adam and combine him with me to get something that looked and sounded like Jeff Bridges in the movie. Adam quote: "They finally did it. They killed my fucking car."

• Walter Sobcek: Me. Anyone who says "You're about to enter a world of pain. A world of pain." is me. Also me-ish is ""You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. I'll get you a toe by three this afternoon--with nail polish.""

• Donny: Kris, because he's so annoying. No, just kidding. Actually, I think we all have a little bit of this character inside of us, someone who loves bowling, who as a surfer explores the beaches of southern California from Redondo to Calabassos, even up to Pismo, who loves bowling, who likes to drink orange Slice, who loves bowling.

• Jesus Quintana: LJ, because his last name is Quintana. And he likes to lick bowling balls.

    If I had to complain about The Big Lebowski, I would say that the computer-generated effects were pretty lame, and there were no attractive women in the movie. Adam likes Maude Lebowski, but I say yecch. And Bambi is just a hussy.

    Oh yeah, I failed my physics midterm today.