News You Can Bruise for 1999 October 27

Dan wrote a program in Python that generates Slashdot headlines, and I want to use it to write a song about Slashdot. But he changed the focus to generating Jon Katz headlines, because the Katz headlines it generated were way funnier than any of the other headlines, so I'm just going to make up my own Slashdot headlines for the song.