News You Can Bruise for 2000 March 9

For years, science has mocked at the venerable notion that the moon is made of green cheese, preferring their ridiculous "rock theory". Now, those hoity-toity eggheads must eat their words, as the latest evidence shows that the poles of Mars resemble different kinds of cheese! Vindication for green cheese selenology! It's time to take our classrooms back from rock theory and its Communist proponents!