News You Can Bruise for 2002 August 15

Mencken once wrote "Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." Kevin and I were sorely tempted yesterday, when a long freighter slid across the bay in view of our windows. There was talk of heading out on a schooner with cutlasses between our teeth, boarding the vessel and seizing its precious cargo of shipping containers. This plan was rendered unfeasible by the fact that our cutlasses would be useless against the guns no doubt on board, not to mention the fact that our conquered vessel would be cornered in the bay, easy pickings for the US Navy. We considered various alternate plans, including:

• Using the vessel as a base and booty storage facility for raids on Emeryville and other coastal cities. [Rejected by me, as we would then be not pirates but brigands]
• Taking the operation to the coast of Indonesia, the only place where piracy really has a chance in this day and age. [Rejected by Kevin, who feared summary execution if we got caught]
• Leasing a freighter and a motorboat, loading them up with modern weaponry and equipment, going with them back in time to the 1600s (the golden age of piracy), and pressing our technological advantages to become the most successful pirates in history. [Rejected by Kevin, being too impatient to wait for the development of time travel]

Frustration grew. How could we gain the thril of cutthroat piracy without undergoing any actual risk? That's when inspiration struck, and a business model was born. Instead of becoming pirates ourselves, we are leveraging our experience with collaborative software and becoming pirate consultants, developing enterprise class solutions for collaborative piracy. Our new company, walktheplank.net, will help pirates work together to pillage more effectively, and reduce time-to-loot.

How can Kevin and I be so cavalier about piracy, a vile crime and a scourge upon international trade? As always, I blame society. The culture in which I was raised referred to "piracy" as a relatively innocuous crime, something you committed by making a backup copy of a Lode Runner disk. How could I but equate the storming of ships and the seizing of cargo with such actions? Perhaps the next generation can be saved, but the experience has rendered me completely amoral.