News You Can Bruise for 2004 August 7

This morning I was browsing through dselect looking for some games to play and maybe review for a Roundup. While I was there I decided to remove the KDE and Gnome games that come with every Linux system I've installed for the past four years. Then I thought: wait. I spend countless hours every decade searching for games to review, and I'm about to remove a bunch of games without even considering them for review--without even ever having played some of them. What's the deal?

Well, the deal is that most of those games are clones of games I've been playing off and on for the past fifteen years. They don't have that much play left in them. Even for the ones I like, there's usually some DOS version that is the focal point of my nostalgia, and the new GUI versions don't measure up.

Because of my general policy regarding saying things when I can't say anything nice, I had never even thought about reviewing them. But surely a review, even a cursory one, is better than unthinking deletion. So here is the first in a series of Game Roundups that focuses on games that are probably already installed on your machine. For this reason, I'm not giving links to most of these. Here we go, with the "Games > Arcade" section of your Start^TM-like menu.

• GNOME Robots: First, this is not an arcade game (indeed, it's filed under both "Arcade" and "Puzzle" in my convoluted menu layout). It has the layout of an arcade game but it's turn-based, which no arcade game is. (I would be very interested if anyone has any counterexamples) Anyway, this implementation is not as menacing as the DOS robots clone my uncle Robert had on his PCJr, where a robot with a Cylon eye would taunt you between levels. This version has two types of robots: the "Type 1", which you all know and avoid, and the bloodthirsty, double-quick "Type 2". Doesn't use numeric keypad by default--you're going to put GNOME on the desktop by using vi keys for the robots game? Bad idea, dude.

  Has an idea of "safe moves", where if you try something that would get your little guy killed, it just beeps at you instead of letting you do it. That would be great if I had any emotional attachment to my guy. As it was I was wondering why I couldn't just die and get the game over with. You win, evil shortsighted robots trying to kill one guy!

  Oh, here's a feature I'm excited about. You can change the icon of the things beseiging you. So you can play being chased by shell-gnashing eggs or tail-tapping mice.

• KAsteroids: I always liked this Asteroids clone. Good rock graphics, and some of the rocks have powerups in them (asteroid mining on the cheap, I guess), which adds a different element to the game. There's also a "break" key, so you don't have to turn around and fire your jets in the opposite direction to slow down. Has a pretty silly method of pausing--a modal dialog box pops up saying "KAsteroids is paused". Is that in the usability guidelines? I'm keeping this one; I like Asteroids and this is the best Linux implementation I've played.
• KBounce: "Press Ctrl-N;Space to start a game!" But may I end my turn early? No, because it's a Qix clone (subgenre: mouse-controlled). I think icebreaker (coming soon to a not-installed-by-default Game Roundup near you) has more class, with its near-ASCII graphics. Does bonus score allocation with a dialog box, which I'll admit is easy to program and explains everything well, but doesn't have the visceral thrill of a game where one number goes down as your score goes up at the end of a level. Frippery: Lets you select a background image.
• KFoulEggs: Color-matching Tetris clone (actually a Puyo Puyo clone) with blobs. Points for the name, and for multiplayer mode. Points off for being a clone of a boring game.
• KGoldrunner: Lode Runner clone. Didn't respond to my attempts at keyboard control, then popped up a dialog saying "You have pressed a key that can be used to move the Hero. Do you want to switch automatically to keyboard control!" Now that's service! Except for the automatic part.

  The implementation is not bad--you don't have to stand still while digging a pit; you can move on and the pit will still happen. Unfortunately this means if you're running you can easily fall into your own pit. The sprites for the people are kind of blocky compared to the rest of the sprites; did they copy everything from the old Broderbund game and those sprites don't stand up to the test of time?

• KSirtet: Servicable Tetris clone. Nice block graphic. Its distinguishing feature is that it features an "arcade" mode that's just like the arcade game. No, I did not know this either. The difference is that the arcade version of Tetris clears the board when you "level up", as the kids say.
• Gnometris: Sounds like one of the lesser-visited science labs on the Enterprise. Preferences let you configure the random filler blocks in excruciating detail. A high-class stone finish to the blocks and excellent control makes the act of wasting time playing Tetris seem restful. The game was written for the author's wife, so awwwww. Winner of KDE/Gnome Tetris smackdown: Gnome! But KDE wins for sheer number of Tetris clones bundled with the desktop; see above (and below!).
• KSmileTris: Another PuyoPuyo variation, with smiley faces on the blocks. The best thing about this game is that of course you can change the distinguishing graphics on the blocks, but in a feat of graphics recycling one of the graphic sets consists of the icons for the other comes-with-your-system games reviewed in this roundup. Genius! Sheer misused genius!
• KSnakeRace: I was dreading this one, because I hate these snake games. But this one has nice EGA style graphics and an enemy snake who wishes your doom--and really, who can blame him, after all the horrible things you said about him? Since, if you really think about it, snake games kind of look like Qix, there are red balls bouncing randomly around the playing board. In a biblical twist, you eat apples instead of the featureless energy pellets you see in many snake games.

  My big disappointment was that your inevitable death is not treated with the same drama as the death of the enemy snake. When you run into a wall it just starts the level again, but when the enemy snake gets stuck its tail flows back into its body until it disappears. Also, the snakes have rattles but there's no way to use them. Anyway, I came in with really low expectations but this implementation was cute enough to get me to keep it installed, which is saying a lot because I thought you couldn't pay me to play a snake game anymore.

  PS: What was the name of the original snake game? This has broken my streak of "X clone" comments because I don't know the name of the original progenitor of snake games.

• GNibbles: Not as good as KSnakeRace. Impossible to see your snake on the dark playing board. Graphics in general seem dystopian, though there are side-of-board warps like in Pac-Man. These mean that when you get tired of playing the game (elapsed time: 15 seconds) and start writing the review, your snake can go across the screen over and over again like a dead EEG. Winner of KDE/Gnome snake game smackdown: KDE!
• Gnome Stones: I think this used to be called Gnome Mines but it was changed because it was too similar to gnomine (of which more in the next exciting episode of Games You Already Have Roundup). This is a Boulderdash clone which can't lift a candle to Rocks 'n' Diamonds. The gameplay is jerky, your character is is a freak (okay, he's kind of endearing; I like the Commander Keen-esque mannerism animations when you're not moving him around), and I have it on good authority there are only 60,000 levels. Best part: psychedelic between-level fades. Get Rocks 'n' Diamonds instead.
• KSpaceDuel: A SpaceWar clone, made ridiculous by the fact that the contestants are satellites with little solar panel wings, and not proper spaceships at all. Two-player only, but has space mines.
• KTron: The Tron lightcycle game is just a deathmatch version of the snake game, so I think it's even less interesting. But check out the "Appearance" configuration panel for this implementation. It lets you change the line style and line size and color, as though it were a chart program.
• Kolf: Ok, this one I actually hadn't seen--it's new in KDE 3.2, so I'm providing a link. The wacky Modernist splash screen intrigued me. And it's a lot of fun! It's a mini-golf game with water hazards, moving platforms, pinball bumpers, teleportation, Excitebike-style acceleration panels, and other things that would be impractical on a real miniature golf course.

  My generally horrible scores were balanced out by a good many holes in one. (In the anti-frustration sense, not in the below-par sense.) It's probably a clone of something, but I've never played the original (much less 10 variations of the original at various points throughout my life), so it's new to me. Includes "USA Pro" tour which replicates actual miniature golf holes with probably no degree of accuracy whatsoever--wait, I get it. They are miniature golf recreations of places, like the Grand Canyon and Lake Tahoe (Tahoe?!?! One can count the scales on a trout at a depth of a hundred and-- Calm down, Sam). This is a great game.