Traffic for 2011 December 17

Our little baby, 14 weeks in the womb, no longer has a heartbeat. We are very sad. Maggie keeps asking why the baby died and I tell her that I don't know why. Everyone is reassuring me I'll see this baby again and in the meantime is being watched over by the likes of Grandma June, Grandma Frances, and so on. Note to self: whether or not this may be true, and whether or not I am telling this to someone with a shared belief system, DON'T. I'm not ready to hear about that right now. Right now I just want condolences and a shoulder to cry on, which for some reason is harder to come by than one would think. I think it was especially hard because Susie found out alone while I was working in Irvine all week. And since no one there knew we were even expecting, I kept it to myself. Being home with my family has helped some.

The Christmas season is coming, which is normally a celebration of the Birth of someone special, but writers like Dickens would remind me that the Marleys were dead to begin with, and it's the end of that story that is more important than the beginning anyway, so I'm at least in the right season for contemplation.

I'm sad this has happened but will be ok. I'm blessed to already have two beautiful children and an even more beautiful wife, and we'll get through it together somehow. And there is always the hope of future children. I've had a small glimpse into the full-time reality of many infertile friends and neighbors, and perhaps that increased understanding is important somehow. I'm sure in the coming days, months, and years I'll wonder about the child that would have been. The miracle of life really is a miracle.