Spam As Folk Art for 2004 October

(Sumana) SAFA Yet Lives: A few sender names:

• Truman Fountain. I would totally believe this as a place, maybe in Missouri or in some incredibly obscure corner of the White House grounds.
• Platinum Romance. Romance that is rare and expensive? "Linda, I really think we could have something going here, a romance with an atomic number of 78."
• Hilario Preston. "Oh, Pressy! What a wit! Biff, did you hear what Hilario Preston just uttered?" (See Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man.)
• beginfrazzle1708y@arabesque.com. Ballet can get pretty stressful.
• Bequeathed A. Colloquies. When I die, my estate will go to the Commonwealth Club.
• Kermit Rich. Tarzan fell, frog nursed Tarzan back to health, Tarzan grateful, now Kermit Rich.
• Refugio Justice. "Refugio" and "Hilario" remind me of Pisco Bandito, the Bandit Fish.
• Capitalizing J. Carissa. Carissa Capitalizes It All (for our younger Nickelodeon viewers).
• Biorhythm K. Allentown. Funkytown is in Rhythm Nation! Won't you take me to....Allentown?
• Metabolize P. Cyclones. A self-powered Dyson vacuum?
• dr.popkow@skinlasercenter.com. Too onomatopoetic for this potential patient!

And then there are subject lines.

not this time infest mack

A deleted scene from AntZ, starring Woody Allen and Sharon Stone. One termite sees some tasty-looking wood that's actually plastic. The other lays a claw on his shoulder and sorrowfully shakes a mandible. Thorax? Whatever.

Women will leave their men for you -dilemma asjna

A command-line excerpt: ./women-will-leave-their-men-for-you -dilemma -u brad_pitt
Surprisingly enough, I can find no organizations with the initials ASJNA.

Foreleg J. Unscrews

Ew!

Moon Landing NCAA Basketball in 1980 Not so good. stranger

Am I the stranger, or does this spam promise scenarios even stranger than the one just revealed?

Get that job you always wanted. Premiumhelp egregiousmaladaptive

"Get that job you've always wanted; you're certainly no good at this one."

(Leonard) There's a new genre of spam that recalls Franklin's dialogue with the Gout. The subject lines go like "Living your life? Well, PAIN sees things differently. That's right, PAIN is your constant companion, whether you realize it or not! Bow down before PAIN!"

• Do you wait and see? Pain can't wait. BUND
• To Everything There Is a Season -- but not pain. %RNDUCCHAR17
• You do not need to suffer the pain. TWWGZT

There was another one that was like Getting away from it all? Can't escape Pain. OVAL. I am a big fan of this spam author. It's like they're trying to copy the rhetoric of a TV commercial.

I was also intrigued by this pitch:

It takes a lot of doing to make an appointment with your do_,ct'^or,sit in the the do',ct^~or's waiting room or meet your fr',ie.nds in the hospital,so we solve these things all for you n-'ow while asking for a l`o.wer pricesfor the m^ed'^ica_tions you n-e^ed like V""icodin ( Paracod) Euro.

You visit my friends (sorry, my fr',ie.nds) in the hospital for me? You go to the, er, do',ct^~or for me? Do you also call my mother and do my jury duty?

And now, subject lines.

• Make god's envious of you in bed!

  If you did that you'd probably end up like Encolpius.

• FW: Add an mba to your name

  Just call me Leonardmba!

• asteroid midwives near 1309

  You say "Asteroid midwives", I say "Planet-destroying lasers".

• graduation for sale

  I really like this phrasing.

• U R Stupid Dumbass If U Pay Retail Pri-cee For Softwares destroy else

  Dude, calm down!

• Sexually get some of the action

  What is this, The Apartment? "Get some of the action, sex-wise!"

• defrost naughty singles

  Sounds like another lonely Friday night.

• your so lu Rodrick Lay

  You probably think this spam is about you, don't you, don't you.

• These girls love Peeing...

  Hey, I hear that.

• how is my son needs hurting

  I don't think your son does need hurting. I think you're just telling yourself that.

• No need to continue living with bad credit; we will help

  Thanks, but I'm not ready to commit suicide yet.

• Subject: Lookin' to get some ass? egotism

  Yes, I suppose it is.

• Growth hormone accelerates wound healing

  What?! Wait, actually this is the first HGH spam I've seen that explains why you'd want to buy HGH, so I can't complain.

• Subject: info from you bank

  Arr! What does me bank have to say for itself?

• Subject: FACT: You're about to be thinner, leaner, and healthier

  Don't I get a choice?

• Subject: Warning: No Evidence Alert

  Yes, spam sounded the alarm bells about WMD in Iraq long before anyone else.

• Subject: Rolex is what I want you to wear.-Linux /oral catskill camber

  First my girlfriend bothers me about my taste in accessories, and now my operating system does the same?

• in a world that always bring people wonders and changes

  Spam As Movie Trailer

• cultural Hidden Pain in Pain Pill. Vikoidne

  I have walked the paths of the ancients, through the forbidden cities of Denn-var and Czi'ka'kgo, seeking the secrets of their medicine. Now, I give you this relic of that self-destructive yet carefree age... Hidden Pain in Pain Pill! Vikoidne!

  Take only as directed.

• I always knew id be able to order online one day

  Doug Englebart, vindicated at last.

• didn't go to college - that's ok we'll give you a diploma

  Come forward, Scarecrow!

• Re: watchband candidate

  Vote for me, and, uh... watchband!

• I've been a very bad girl, check this out! bicp

  Yeah, that's pretty bad.

(Leonard) Trout Mask Rolex Replica:

I call this one "The Rolex cycle", a tale of hope and betrayal. Matthew Barney has nothing on me!

• Impress her with a Rolex
• Do not settle for less than a ROLEX.
• She told me you want a Rolex ?
• Rolex is not for all. Is it for you ?
• Even you can afford a Rolex now. Come on In
• Rolex Replicas

And now, your regularly scheduled subject lines.

• Miracle protein for your illness

  Then spam my illness, not me!

• Wow! No hassles! or Dr. Appointments

  I've just about had it with Dr. Appointments and his stalling tactics.

• can we go over Ross's budget today?

  Sure, go ahead and order those new laptops.

• Outstanding! As a true voyeur this is my dream site!

  I felt something was missing from other voyeur sites. They seemed to lack a passion for their art!

• I truely admire these BBW FAT CHIX

  On the other hand, sometimes the "porn connoisseur" bit falls flat.

• little bottle eliminates photo cops!

  That's a little bloodthirsty for me, but what about a little bottle that eliminates photo ops?

• lowest prices on your medications Wilbur

  When Mr. Ed spams.

• people are raving about our pharmacy

  Mostly about it being controlled by the Illuminati and the CIA.

• As seen on CBS News! Canadian Pharmacy Drugs

  But then it turns out the drugs were forgeries.

• As seen on FOX News! Canadian Pharmacy Drugs

  Didn't they say that our wise president had deemed Canadian Pharmacy Drugs to be unsafe? Ha! I'm on a roll!

• Caution: cheat online

  Oh no! That guy who cheated me signed on to IM again!

• gals showing off their boots -- gro.tluafges--rdranoel

  It's either a weird fetish site or a filter-foiling typo, but I can't tell which.

• Whoa doobie. A full sized SUV right there between ya legs

  Here at the SUV Rodeo!

• feck longer & herder

  It was daring of them to choose the cast of Trainspotting as spokespeople.

• lack of universitty degreee means you miss out on good jobs - we can

  Sure, rub it in.

• hark 8x Longer than V1AGRA, and cheaper, too?

  Man, you'll never be able to swallow that pill.

• Discover New Mind Blowing Technology

  This puppy can blow a mind from a hundred yards!

• NeverPoorAgain Randomizer Pays You $10 over & over

  Doesn't sound that random.

• Awaken her/his appetite for sex

  Step 1: determine her/his gender.

• meet teen nipples tonight

  So you're... nipples? How's that working out for you?

• Re:Notice of Default prostitute

  "Sorry, the prostitute you selected is no longer in stock. Please accept this default prostitute and a complimentary coupon."

• curl get laid

  I think UNIX utilities are not the best market for spam.

• it depends on you six juvenile

  I woulda gotten away with it too, if it hadn'ta been for you six meddling juvenile!

• Wait! Still single and waiting?

  Yes, because you JUST TOLD ME TO WAIT!

• now that i am irresponsible viking

  Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam...

• U Still Dare To Fcuk Girls Out There With Ur Little Pe--nis? acrocarpus

  Frankly, I don't know why girls stand for it.

• fw : paris hilton would not touch that little thing

  Wow, suddenly I've never been happier about the size of my penis!

• Valium delivered to your home

  When neurotic housewife fantasies collide!

• all i want is.. sage garvey

  "Done!" says the King with a stroke.

• SEXUALLY - EXPLICIT: Extreme Stretching

  Yes, it's porn yoga.

• help your daughter with her hangover

  Time for tough love at the Bush household.

(Leonard) Please Confirm Everything: Spamania!

• Onliiiiiiine Phaarmacy

  Spam!: The Musical

• Please Confirm everything. - Octover 14, 2004

  Confirm everything? That'll take forever!

• Girls With An Added Bonus leonardr!

  I'm pleased to announce this new cross-promotional deal where I am bundled free with every girl.

• Pleased you are able to aquire and use an international drivers liscence in a new name out trace- appoint hitler

  When you drive internationally, you appoint Hitler!

• assist your daughter in pain

  Look, your son doesn't need hurting and you shouldn't assist your daughter in pain. Stop hurting your children! Won't someone think of your children?

• Hardcore Medz

  When spam genres collide!

• Antidote found in Crocodiles

  "Doob-doob, you swallowed the antidote bottle!" "Soooo-rry."

• Do you wait and see? Pain can't wait. AAR

  It's about time I started getting pirate spam.

• cigar 0 bodice rippers

  What people hoped Clinton's autobiography would be like.

• King of Med's OG3

  Once I was the King of Med's; now I eat OG3.

• Susie just open it

  I've probably said this, on Christmas day.

• Simply the Best UM

  When Josh Hendler spams (Heh heh, a little in-joke for my colleagues at the Clark campaign. What?! Okay, geez.)

• We have your email, why not use it for free stuff?

  Spam blackmail! "We're already spamming you! Make the most of it!"

• Freshly pierced... Ask me about it! a

  I never want to see a supermarket clerk wearing this button.

• Leonardr bi-girl looking for more ocean

  Thanks to global warming, you're in luck!

• [Windows-1251] Internet ???????

  That's the idea, yes.

• Mortgage Cycling Revealed

  The Wild One remade as a real estate movie.

• 40% off the entire Fredericks.com site!

  I'll just take the top nav, thanks.

• scan your PC for free Alfonzo

  Wow! There was free Alfonzo on my PC all along!

• stop the pain momenteraly

  Ah, sweet relief--ARRRRRRGH, THE PAIN!

• How to hypnotize (subtle way to get laid)

  Hey, thanks for telling me about the SUBTLE WAY TO GET LAID!!!

• I'm lonely tonight - Tue, 19 Oct 2004 22:51:15 +0300

  Great, now people are spamming me with entries from their boring weblogs.

• Sweet Sister seeks slightly Sour Sam spoon

  The alliteration extends to the filter countermeasures!

• teen anus can cost you your job

  Teen Anus: Destroyer Of Worlds

• Greatest online pills here

  Like... dotcomaphil! And webzine!

• size does matter loyal centipede commandeer

  I need you to send only your longest, most trusted soldiers on this mission!

• (54)Guaranteed by science to work(27)

  So I just drop something and it falls towards the earth? Amazing!

• I-want-a-trilobite, Exotic sex is urgently necessary for you!

  You, you can't have a trilobite.

• my nights are better astride vexation

  You must stand astride vexation if you would prove its master!

• Vicodin and Xanex poison

  I guess that's one way to look at it.

• Quit You're Day Job

  As a copyeditor.

• Movies! toaaggh!

  His longstanding fear of movies triggered the heart attack we all knew was coming.

• Holding hands: just a fading memory?

  The extremely-soft-porn website tries to make a comeback.

• Looking for 100 people to make pope Rich

  Sure, I'll leave my lands to the church.

• See EARS ON A BEATLE for only $33.50!

  Since all the Beatles have ears, that seems a little high. Are they Spock ears? What is the deal here precisely?

• Get CASH out of your home Leonard Richardson

  Is my home on fire?

• Hey Trilobite, did I amaze you? UtLdT

  I'm a trilobite! What do you think?

• squid brides inside 216

  Not even Kevan would want a squid bride (though perhaps a trilobite would).

• it worked for me capo crunch

  The new cereal for guitarists.

• why arent you bridgetown norway

  That's right, Lyon, France, I'm talking to you.

• FWD:Where -r- u ? abyss

  Can't help you there.

• RE: Finally sauerkraut Payment confirmation P852260311 serene

  My sauerkraut is on the way; at last, I can relax!

• it hurts to tell you serpent antisemite

  I can't stand here listening to you and your racist friend.

• Your opinion could be worth $1000

  But is probably not.

• so strong so big rosary conform

  Adherence to Catholic orthodoxy has never been so masculine!

• cocaine harmonica

  Is this one of those "wacky patents"?

• find out if John is a real woman...

  My guess is no.

(Sumana) Fred Clark, We Need You!: Just found a spam from "Hattie Durham," a character in the Left Behind book series.

(Kevan)

Dont Blame Ur Bro Being So Small, Try This Out moonglade

But we're pixies; we're supposed to be this small.

particle accelerator cigars from 5304

I'll take a dozen, and a couple of those high-energy lighters.

Ebony Horne cheap erection tool!

Cheap and painful!

Do you want put hand to p.ussy?

Or would you rather be able to draw on three thousand years of pornography?

Is GOLD ready to EXPLODE?

Is this another SECRET CODE, boss?

You can do it! cold cash From Home

Yes - freezer compartment, vacuum-pack wallet - but why would I do it?

It's me, Spider HY6710 from AOL

Quick, to the ice-filled bathtub!

Here's what you're looking for..............lecher

Hey, I heard that.

(Leonard) Behind the Spams:

"Hey, Joe, what subject do you want on the spam?"
"What?"
"It's going out right now! I need a subject from you!"

saving money is the subject

Some from lines:

• From: Ayatollah E. Writ

  Need a fatwa? He's your man!

• From: Cancer viruses.

  So that's how they spread!

• From: Fred G. French
  Subject: Frenchs

  That's some serious frenchitude.

• From: Queen Huggins

  Queen of the paper towel people.

• From: Foreleg J. Unscrews

  He can't resist showing off his prosthesis.

• From: Boyd I. Sizemore

  When "generate your Mormon prophet name" meets "generate your porn star name".

• From: Instantaneous Q. Pips

  Starfleet officers! Increase your rank instantly with new Q powers!

• From: Leftover A. Beep

  "Beep!" "Beep!"
  ...
  ...
  Hey, wait, guys! There's Leftover A. Beep!

• From: Nitpick T. Yoknapatawpha

  There's no way to top that name.

And, our favorite, the subjects:

• Looking for a promotion? Save your company thousands!

  Okay, I won't look for a promotion.

• Are you satisfied with the smallness of your johnson

  No, but maybe I will be once I stop beating my wife.

• RE: The Banks will Compete for your Refi!

  Dance, banks! Dance for my entertainment!

• Modern Miracles REPAIRS & Builds Your Face

  Good thing, too, since my face suffered some earthquake damage and the entire second story needs to be rebuilt.

• Let Cupid Do His Job!

  Geez, stop trying to fall in love, you'll just mess it up.

• if only you had firehouse salamander

  Not the best mascot for a firehouse, since salamanders traditionally burn things down.

• No Pumps, Weights, Or Exercises for the New Year

  Usually people's New Year's resolutions involve starting to do exercises.

• Bankers Dont like us!

  And cops don't like my profile.

• PHARISEE WATCH: Unheralded News

  New opportunities in temple-based moneychanging!

• Side effects of nacrotics can be kind of cool piezoelectric

  If this is their best pitch, they're in trouble.

• pain is killing your girlfriend

  I never should have responded to that other spam, split her in two!

• 14, Please Pay

  Three of Five, your car payment is overdue!

• i called, why didnt you call back

  Because you didn't actually call.

• Looking to go out tonight ,. Find a date that could change your life here . despite lolly

  Lolly's ruined my dates for the last time!

• Lonley woman looking to chat

  I guess that's better than "Langley woman looking to chat".

• Goddess of Love seeks Leonardr newly

  Uh-oh, that last sacrifice probably had a defective dove.

• Cartie is forever. Are you for it - postfix absenteeism

  I guess not.

• You, your computer and us

  I miss those rollicking '70s sex comedies.

• hey sufferers of the world

  The new, hipper Communist Manifesto.

• I Promised to help 5000 people

  And by "help" I mean "spam".

• RE: So about those wives Leonardr... :-)

  You mean to say I'm holding up Utah's statehood?

• Grab this Hot Oil Play

  Sounds painful.

• i-want-a-trilobite A 1-Step formula that guar-antees suc-cess

  Step one: ask for a trilobite. (I'll never get tired of these jokes!)

• the Variety. The police

  Kurtz's less chilling last words in the original draft of Heart of Darkness.

• is your sister suspicious

  Susie just open it!

• RE RE:Leonardr Dynamite comes in small packages !! abort

  As the spammer found out, to their peril.

• watch my nose

  Why? Gah! That's disgusting!

• why does your sister spy on you

  Will spam never cease trying to drive a wedge between me and my sister?

• Omega Watch

  Unfortunately not from the same spam genre as PHARISEE WATCH.

• Gambling secrets EXPOSED

  You say the games favor the house? NOOOOOO!!

• chock f1nd a ch1ck hedgehog

  And so Chock the little hedgehog found true love at last!

• how about we save you alot of money today

  A glimpse into the condescending world of Savings Therapy.

• get pains away in this way

  Nice meter on this spam.

• assist your brother in pain

  Hail and well met, brother in pain!

• Everyday soft - duty-free prices

  All I've ever seen in the duty-free is booze.

• Fw: our small talk - Sat, 23 Oct 2004 12:21:52 +0400

  If you reference your small talk with a timestamp, it wasn't small talk

• noble satan detector

  "I say, there's the old cloven hoof over there! No, no need--I'll banish him to the pits myself."