(Leonard) From Name Follies: I got spam from "Detective J. Williams" but it wasn't a randomly generated name; it was allegedly from a detective named J. Williams.

I've been getting cheap-software spam where the email address is random, but the name is always "Alice A. Walker". Either the spam software isn't working and is always taking the first fake name out of the alphabetical list, or the author of The Color Purple is also a spammer.

Mongol I. Desktops also tried to sell me software, no doubt freshly pillaged from the GUI steppes of central Asia.

And now, our feature presentation.

• you are the women

  Sometimes inspirational messages just don't work.

• Protect your family with a quality extended warranty

  My family was wiped out in a hard disk failure, but I was able to get a new one thanks to the extended warranty!

• is her wife suffering

  Yes, ever since their marriage was annulled.

• tell me ur fantasy!!!! soars

  Hey, you guessed it! (This was from "Dormant K. Gold", which is another of my fantasies.)

• pocket mastadons living with 4879

  Pocket mastadons sound like a cute pet. Like the Mimmoths from Girl Genius. But it seems that you can only get them in a dystopian society where your identity is just a number.

• The REAL Passion Of Christ

  That's what I like to see: porn with no possible audience. Except, I suppose, those who venerate Mary Magdalene.

• CiA1s listing for Ref: 2004/N/7191644663

  I like the implication that CiA1s is an online database like Lexus-Nexus.

• risk it

  Put it all on black! Wait, risk what?

• I let my girlfriend get screwed for a few dollars-bloomfield milk

  At least he could then afford the brand-name milk instead of the supermarket kind.

• define leonardr@crummy.com

  You can tell this person is losing the argument.

• Windows Critical virus update - september 8th

  Better get it! You wouldn't want to miss a virus! (This was sent in late October, by the way.)

• RE:just looking 4 a friend and nothing eles crack

  "No, no, it's my friend who wants the crack!"

• Get them laid w/o them even realizing...

  The opposite of penis enlargement spam.

• Degre.e in 400 Dollar.s

  At least they're honest about it.

• Subject: Woww..8o-% 0ff Leonardr

  Hurry! I'm going fast!

• exceptional New Scent Attracts 3 out of 4 Women

  Yeah, you go ahead and get crushed under the weight of billions of women.

• Fw: cut down on the pain

  I guess the FTC made them stop sending spam that promised to eliminate the pain.

• dont like doctors? no byzantium

  Byzantium was just crawling with doctors.

• Subject: affirmation Being unsparing in our efforts is common for us appraise

  The self-describing spam.

• FWD:I'M FUN, PICK ME Leonardr sarah

  She was always picked last for kickball. (Incidentally, the spam-maiden within this spam says "Hmm i like getting turned on and i enjoy to have pleasure." She's Tautology Girl!)

• complex mouth information

  If only I could operate this damned alien maw! Ah, what's this pamphlet? Excellent! Complex mouth information!

• All FUN, No Drama grill

  Safe grilling means a fun summer!

• get druuuuuuugs onlineee

  Maaaaaaaan.

• We Are the Best Boof

  Not surprising, since you just made that word up.

• hey pain girl

  I read your Livejournal.

• 99 cents a day HARDCORE ineligible

  So why spam me?

• Did you know? You can live and work in the USA!

  I did know this, actually, but I'm a trivia buff.

• your daughter needs to cope with the pain

  Suck it up, Kelly!

• Herald tribune article on vicodin

  It's the most relaxed article ever.

• this is your mother

  There's a line, and spam just crossed it.

(Kevan) Post-Election Spam: Are you desperate from your country? Come live in the USA!

(Leonard) Post-Election Cheer-U-Up Spam:

Ffjcpdq the occasional depression is not that terrible. relax now
Tomorrow will be brighter.
She will smile tonight.

(Leonard) Terror Of Improper Dosage: Seems like spam is getting more boring. Maybe it's just me.

• Miracle Protein for all viruses

  Calling all viruses. Calling all viruses.

• what are you missing scholar

  Please, sir, my tie?

• Re Cheap Xan ax

  The xan swings his ax! The xan hits! The xan's ax is shattered by the force of his blow!

• Leonardr Spunky Black Belt seeks Soul Mate carom

  They're finally turning their random word generators to good use; I also got "Bootylicious Babe seeks Hunk jails".

• I prescrbe this

  Doctors' handwriting just gets worse and worse.

• MuThe joy of eating the dish cooked by Mum could release the

  Cliffhanger spam at its best. Unfortunately, searching shows that the complete sentence only appears in other spam.

• Dear customer your details have been compromised

  What excellent service!

• Celebrate July 4th with a USA T-Shirt

  But I'd rather celebrate it with my friends.

• there is nothing as good as this knight branch

  A lance might work better.

• Soft-Ware Whole-Sale!!!

  I love your out-standing new algorithm that hyphenates compound words.

• garbage can 68 curses PA1N MEDS... BRAND NAME, GENERIC IS AVAILABLE

  Maybe they can help you with your Tourette's.

• girl scout 571 cowards

  Come back here! Defend your cookies!

• Teens taking a bath! ocloxt!

  Eating and voyeurism don't mix.

• derate cleveland

  Lousy Cleveland.

• is your wife a violator

  Do you have a warrant?

• Behind me were snowdrifts

  The polar bears were closing in! My only--are you even listening?

• Never go to the doc again

  Die at age 40!

• Your home is your kingdom

  It was just my castle, but then we added the side bedroom and expanded the garage...

• your penis your life million abject chair

  I saw this film in seventh grade, but the surreal footage of crowds of weeping chairs is a postmodern addition I'm not entirely comfortable with.

• Hi Leonardr Fully Stocked . Everything Here. cornbread abg brown

  What about muffins? Muffins too? Well, what about chartreuse? Or msk?

• Leonardr Updated 10,000 Cheating Wives Database

  UPDATE wives SET status="cheating"

• pay les for S0FTWARE

  Les is the head of Purchasing, right?

• football team alchemists inside 742 S0MA-Watson IONAMIN-, etc..FREE OVERNIGHT SHIPPING !!

  I propose augmenting the chemical wedding with the "chemical touchdown". Now that we've got the Philosopher's Stone, we'll finally be able to defeat the Dolphins!

• Osteoarthritis? Tendonitis? Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

  No, but thanks for playing!

• How to find a tax heaven- psalter stifle

  I guess you could think of a tax heaven as the place your money goes when you pay taxes, but is it really neccessary to suppress the book of Psalms to work this into Christian doctrine?

• You are the one to decide this moment waterhouse

  As Cryptonomicon reaches its climax...

• You said once you like Rolex.- claim autonomic

  You're saying I said this in my sleep?

• your doctor's appointment ends on the 6th

  That sounds like one lengthly appointment.

• Subject: terror The usual dose of Davrocet is 1 tablet, up to a maximum of 6 tablets

  The slasher film about drug dosage bombed at the box office.

• chump

  Same to you, pal.

• Re: Re: Final

  Not so final.

(Kevan)

• you will love our promotion Eloy

  Just file into this bunker when the alarm sounds.

• does your organization do this?

  No? How about this? I bet it can't do this, either.

• This is the email we were talking about

  Book now for next year's anti-spam seminar!

• ask Wilfred about Gabriela

  You can't see that here.

• Do not drive a car, operate machinery while taking Ulltram allocable

  Hallucinate any vehicle you like, from the safety and comfort of your own home.

• chat with assholes on the internet!

  Surely not!

• You want a quicker computer? Spyware stays resident in memory, just use this to remove it x

  Yes, just open up the task manager and use our special marker pen.

• Fossil Watches

  With its flinty paleozoic eyes, and it waits, it waits...

(Sumana) We the Spammers: A spam I just received included the line "No whaler had ever been better armed," which will appeal to Leonard in a nautical way and repulse him in a the-poor-whales way. It also quoted a text that, now that I think about it, probably appears in more spammer-accessible places on the Internet than do obscure British government reports or the complete works of L. Frank Baum:

The President shall, at stated times, receive for his services, a compensation, which shall neither be increased nor diminished during the period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that period any other emolument from the United States, or any of them.

Yes, the Constitution. As Alberto "the Geneva Convention is quaint" Gonzales continues his steady route to the Attorney General's office, perhaps spam will serve as the last reminder of Constitutionally guaranteed civil liberties.

(Kevan) Nietzschean Thesaurus Spam:

• You might become to the champion man for her.
• You might transmute to the unsurpassed individual for her.
• You can transmute to the top fellow for your woman.
• You must transmute to the unsurpassable human for her.

(Leonard) Spam Microfiction: I call this one "Restaurant of the Soul".

When around girl meditates, paycheck for customer feels nagging remorse. necromancer about, piroshki around, and prime minister over are what fade America great! snow pee on beyond cab driver. Unlike so many boys who have made their halfhearted sandwich to us. He called her Rosie (or was it Rosie?). malefactor cabbage opportune tablecloth

(Leonard) Spammers Hand Over The Keys:

• Need a Visa Card? Try ours

  Long have I waited for this day...

• his eyes are healing

  Man, this Christian spam, I tell you.

• Does your card give you gas, cash, or points?

  It just wishes me a happy birthday.

• YOU JUST WONT A FREE GREENCARD!

  Don't know what the verb is there, but it's probably true.

• Leonardr gorgeous lesbian needs hot partner weepy

  Why is it my shoulder they always have to cry on?

• Get a Free* $500 Gift Card

  There was no footnote in the message. It's just generally accepted now that an asterisk means "We're lying".

• ride that big 20" toy up and down hard

  Just in time for the holidays, it's My First Low-Rider.

• 30 Reasons to start Hooked on Phonics today

  Why learn to read, they'll just spam you more.

• online replica store

  So it's not a real store, twice.

• Kevin, Walk Away From Your Debt

  Kevin suggests running away instead, preferably to another country.

• Force collectors to abide by Federal Law ,

  Yeah, I've had it with their mailing fraudulently produced dentures across state lines!

• You are nominated for a Ph.d

  It's an honor just to be nominated, really.

• RE:find me........., love me float

  One of Elvis' less coherent songs.

• medical essay : painfull liberty inside

  Ew, the blood of patriots and tyrants!

• From: Plectra M. Foetus

  The new zygoco band.

• U.S. is Recovery

  Is IS recovery, it is!

• "Old Tarts really recognizes the timeless quality of sensuality."

  Again with the weird "porn connoisseur" language.

• important - avi's will destroy your life

  Who knew a file format could be so dangerous?

• PAIN PILLS...OURDoctors FILL and SHIP Directly to Your DOORSTEP

  Seems like a big waste of a doctor's time.

• Grab your money and beautifil girls today- southbound larynx

  This is the life! Money for nothing and chicks for free! Oh no! I've lost my voice! Rock star powers... diminishing!

• Leonardr imagine if you had a diplo@ma

  I'll just have to console myself with my diploma.

• Any medication - completely anonymous and private.

  In a non-spam context, this could only be referring to medical marijuana.

• no other place like home

  It was "no place like home" and then someone pointed out that home itself is like home...

• did you spell that right Alfonso

  I can't believe spam is lecturing me about spelling.

• accomplishment needed

  Mission: Accomplishment

• NT 4.0 Workstation update

  It's a little late for that.

• News: College kids wear Rolex watches

  Hard-hitting local journalism!

• you are the one and only cauliflower

  I told you never to call me at the office.

• Leonardr start a new life - this is HUGE

  That's why I generally avoid starting a new life.

• Never 2been easier

  How did they find out the name of the guaranteed-hit single on my next R&B album?

• crhis said he is psised at you

  Arncocdig to rcareehsres at an Egnlish Uesitnirvy.

(Leonard) Footage Madness: Don't Let This Happen to You:

• Be a Real Man. Rolex Watch.

  Spam finally grasps the fundamentals of non-spam advertising rhetoric.

• A treasure chest of mortage - girlish bender

  Avast! It's Long John Silver's... mortgage.

• Bask the living with Person Growth Internal Secretion

  You'll bask the living, but you'll envy the dead.

• Do you like your country?

  Hmm, this CIA employment exam is tougher than I thought.

• important - footage will destroy your life

  If square footage would destroy your life, that would be interesting.

• Re: OJ Simpson! hahaha

  Oh, man. Will those stupid, mind-numbing jokes never get old? Hey, remember this one? "What's the address of O.J. Simpson's homepage? Backslash-backslash-escape!" Hahaha--wait, that doesn't even make sense. That joke could only have survived in a world where most people only knew about the web through hearsay and had never actually used it. I guess those jokes have gotten old after all. Why must you perish, dumb topical-ten-years-ago-jokes? Why do you torment us with reminders of our own mortality!?!?!

• Subject: You can start saving now - agleam checkbook

  How can I save when that shiny new checkbook urges me to spend, spend, spend?

• you are happy as of november 8th

  I envision Droopy Dog getting this spam. "According to this affadavit, I'm happy."

• hose your mother with pain

  Are you insane?

• Want Super-V? How about super disc0 unted?

  No I do not want super disco.

• enjoy your girlfriend's medical problem like never before

  We'd see a doctor, but we need the eggs!

• Amazing we wouldn't take you to the cleaners like before beware

  Reverse psychology spam for those who've already been burned by it.

• Wouldn't you like to save some money ? Get them from Canada and save . capitulate bottleneck

  Don't you understand? Canadian dollars are cheaper than American dollars because they're worth less!

• Passed up for the raise..again?

  It's that lout Robinson! Always sucking up to the boss! Whatever will I tell the wife?

• wastrel and more! have 100 titles on our site for u confirmation

  At last, my own copy of "Wastrel"!

• Bart how could you do this?

  Why you little!

• RE:Porn riches available today- paranoia country

  You're in Paranoia Country now.

• story-my girlfriend isn't impotent anymore

  But now she suffers from male-pattern baldness.

• It is known, that dogs eat horses!

  What in heck are they getting at? This sounds like the beginning to a lecture given by Groucho Marx.

(Sumana) There's More of Gravy Than of Spam About You: As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

The most passive-aggressive spam opener in history. It calls to mind Yudhisthira's line in the Mahabharata, or the stereotypical mother saying "Don't mind me, I'll sit in the dark."

I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal Cancer that was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.

I don't know why you're listening to these defiled experts! Get them to ritually purify themselves, then we'll talk.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.

But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Not only does Ebenezer Scrooge live in Dubai -- he'll be the first human since Jesus of Nazareth to come back from the dead.