By Leonard Richardson

    Feast your eyes on that graphic up there (unless you're using lynx, in which case load the graphic and then feast your eyes on it) the Jack In The Box logo, taken and scanned by my mother, Frances Whitney.

    That's right, if you live in America you've been faced with Jacks-In-Boxes everywhere you turn. There is no escape from them. Seemingly on every street corner they wait. I hear tell they are even building a Jack In The Box on the moon! Admittedly, I heard this from the same person who emailed me that bogus Kurt Vonegutt commencement speech.

    Anyway, you might think that this is simply a harmless manifestation of American consumerism, but I tell you that there is a shady side to all this, a conspiracy, if you will. Look over that graphic, friend. Look over it well. Notice anything odd about it?

    Well, as Vyvyan might say, I do! The "OX" in "BOX" is actually one of those accursed Christian fishes! This clearly marks the Jack In The Box as an after-dark gathering place for Christians to perform their unspeakable rituals involving bacon and American cheese in secret. And the prolification of Jacks-In-Boxes can only mean one thing; this perversion of all that is good and decent is spreading!

    Now, I don't really hold anything against the Christians for using the Jack In The Box restaurant chain as a way to recruit youngsters into their cult of animal sacrifice via deep frier (after all, if you wanted to recruit youngsters into your cult of animal sacrifice via deep frier, that would be the way you would go about doing it). But what I do have a problem with is seeing that blasted fish everywhere I look. Even the "Darwin" fish-with-legs parody has become annoying. Many try to revive the humor by putting every word in the English language on a corresponding fish, but I say, enough! The joke is dead! And with its death must come the death of the Jack In The Box Christian Conspiracy Fish Of Evil^TM!

    So I say to you, run to your nearest Jack In The Box and rip the fish off their sign! Go! Now! I've done my part by warning you! Do it!

Note: Crummy cannot condone the destruction of other people's property, but if we could, we would print something like the preceding paragraph. Huh?