Netscape 4.8 to Feature More Bugs, Useless Crap

by Leonard Richardson

Published 10/11/1999

Netscape officials today unveiled a preview of the next-generation more-of-the-same Netscape browser, Netscape Communicator 4.8, to be released by the end of the year. The latest Netscape browser does its 4.x predecessors proud with more of what Netscape's Jim Martin calls "bugs, bloat, and buttons." It's all part of Netscape's 'Total Unusability Initiative'...

Communicator 4.8 is a pivotal point as regards the Netscape development roadmap, says Martin. As the browser asymptotically approaches 5.0, end users can expect to see:

1. More bugs than any previous version of Netscape. Memory leaks, bizarre quirks, and general system shenanigans are the order of the day. "Over 40% of the time," claims Martin, " we can get 4.8 to actually crash an X session within fifteen minutes, although the details are classified at this point. Netscape is committed to bringing the instability that is hallmark of the PC world to the commercial Unices, and of course to Linux."
2. A more bloated browser, including half-assed support for obscure, cutting-edge standards like FishTalk and Annoying Hum. In recognition of Netscape Corp.'s new owner, Communicator 4.8 will also constantly pop up AOL sales pitches and chances to "Get online with AOL". Communicator's release date may be pushed further into 2000 until computers capable of running it become avaliable.
3. Useless--and often downright dangerous--buttons, wrongly claimed to drive traffic to Netscape's web site. New in 4.8 is the "More About You" button, which uploads the user's browser history file and other personal information to a Netscape server. The "More About You" feature is fully integrated with Netscape Netcenter's new Password Manager.

"The browser wars are far from over," concluded Martin. "We're hitting Microsoft where it hurts, delivering bloated, buggy software at a pace even slower than they can manage. We believe that Total Unusability is the wave of the future. If you thought the Web was confusing in 1996, you ain't seen nothing yet!"

Cries of "Mozilla!" were quickly put down by the band of Hell's Angels hired by Netscape to keep order in the Mountain View conference room. Martin reiterated that no Mozilla code would ever make it into an official Netscape product. "Those open source people are a little loopy, if you know what I mean," he said, nodding slowly at the audience.

Meanwhile, in Redmond, the IE team gloated, twirling their waxed handlebar moustaches (provided by segfault.org especially for this story). "At last, Netscape has adopted our development methodology, showing who's really driving Internet standards," said one. "We had 'Bugs, Bloat, Buttons' down pat years ago! Now, we're forging ahead with, uh... more Bugs, Bloat, Buttons."