News You Can Bruise for 1999 September 17

More segfault from me, this one's pretty good: Press Release Successfully Disguised as News Article. Contains interplay of multiple main jokes, bizarre wordplay, Rodney Blumenthal from PPvDD, and some subtle (some might say obscure) MST3K references. I have 3 other stories in the pipe which I just have to finish; unfortunately, one is a Microsoft story, albeit a funny one.