News You Can Bruise for 2001 March 5

Mike is also coming up with new and funny ideas, whereas I merely tell an uncaring audience what I think of television programs I saw last night. His latest business venture is NearDeath, Inc. The only way I can do the concept justice is to reprint in its entirety the brochure excerpt he sent me (yes, the excerpt in its entirety) :

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NearDeath, Inc.

Is your loved one listless? Stuck in a dead-end job or relationship? Wasting their life away? Gripped by the terrible forces of inertia? Unable to focus on what's really important in life?

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, and if all the talking, pleading and counseling you've tried so far has failed, NearDeath, Inc. can help you help themselves.

Studies have shown that when faced with Death, 97% of all people suddenly realize the value of Life. Those who then somehow cheat Death go on to lead changed, productive and inspiring lives. Unfortunately, the majority of people who face Death do not escape its grasp, and their moment of divine revelation is sadly short-lived.

Now, NearDeath, Inc. offers all the changes a close call with death can bring, with no danger of actual death. Our team of specialists will design and execute an experience tailored to your needs - from erroneous lab results to falling pianos, to dramatic multi-vehicle collisions and explosions.

We also have on staff a team of expert hypnotists - so you can design a near death experience of your own and never remember doing so!

Sometimes, the only thing that can change a life is the spectre of death. Call today.

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