News You Can Bruise for 2001 March 5

If nothing else, The Lone Gunmen show takes place in the correct universe, the comedy universe, in which characters can get into funny situations without having to spend a week in the hospital and/or a month in court due to a misguided attempt by the authors of their situations to keep things realistic. So many alleged "comedies" are given the quotation mark treatment by me because, while they claim to be funny, they do not take place in a funny universe. So that's one thing The Lone Gunmen has going for it. The other is the Lone Gunmen themselves, who are almost always funny.

My dilemma here is severalfold; in a bizarre sense, and in common with who knows how many others, I consider the Lone Gunmen show to have been my idea. It's implemented pretty much the way I would have done it (except my version would have taken place in a universe with encryption software), and it airs a year and a bit after I had the idea; about the time I'd think it would take to turn an idea into a television series. And yet, now that it's on the screen, I really can't see where it can go, other than a retelling as farce of X-Files, which is a good idea but which is bound to get tiresome after a while.

Also, any mental commitment I might make to watch TLG next week and see how it comes out is a) likely to be forgotten, since four times out of five I forget to watch TV when I mean to, and b) the exact same mental promise I made for Star Trek: Voyager, and we all know how that turned out.

Mike just sent me a bunch of code for the pig from Degeneracy (not to be confused with the girl from Ipanema). He's been doing more work on that game than I am.

Mike is also coming up with new and funny ideas, whereas I merely tell an uncaring audience what I think of television programs I saw last night. His latest business venture is NearDeath, Inc. The only way I can do the concept justice is to reprint in its entirety the brochure excerpt he sent me (yes, the excerpt in its entirety) :

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NearDeath, Inc.

Is your loved one listless? Stuck in a dead-end job or relationship? Wasting their life away? Gripped by the terrible forces of inertia? Unable to focus on what's really important in life?

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, and if all the talking, pleading and counseling you've tried so far has failed, NearDeath, Inc. can help you help themselves.

Studies have shown that when faced with Death, 97% of all people suddenly realize the value of Life. Those who then somehow cheat Death go on to lead changed, productive and inspiring lives. Unfortunately, the majority of people who face Death do not escape its grasp, and their moment of divine revelation is sadly short-lived.

Now, NearDeath, Inc. offers all the changes a close call with death can bring, with no danger of actual death. Our team of specialists will design and execute an experience tailored to your needs - from erroneous lab results to falling pianos, to dramatic multi-vehicle collisions and explosions.

We also have on staff a team of expert hypnotists - so you can design a near death experience of your own and never remember doing so!

Sometimes, the only thing that can change a life is the spectre of death. Call today.

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Argh! Dada Pokey is broken!

I fixed it.