Susie's Leaning Tower of Chocolate

(This post has been saved as a draft on my blog since November 20, 2012. Seems applicable today as well.)

John: But you're pregnant.
Me: Obviously it was a joke. A drunk joke.
John: I guess my sense of humor is too dry for that.

Yesterday Maggie and I did the penguin encounter at the aquarium. We only had two tickets and John wanted me to go because sometimes I miss out on stuff. Like super scary roller coasters at Lagoon. It was really nice to sit and fully participate in a fun activity like that. Maggie, the bird lover that she is, thought it was amazing and learned so much.

Tomorrow, we are hiking to Timp Cave. This won't be the first time I've done it 6 months pregnant, but John pointed out that last time, we weren't living at sea level.

7 weeks
I've been gagging every day for two weeks and the kids haven't noticed. I think that's a testament to the kind of winter we've had.
8 weeks
Keeping a stool in the bathroom has never seemed so brilliant.
8 weeks 4 days
My search for unscented deodorant that was actually unscented finally ended. Sheesh. Also: unscented face wash.
9 weeks
Even a stomach bug winter like we've had can't hide the truth from Maggie. She asked if I was sick from a baby in my tummy. After I threw up in the car.
9 weeks 3 days
Dalton has begun starting sentences with "after you throw up..."
9 weeks 6 days
You can't go on Big Thunder Mountain. You're sick, you might throw up on the ride.
10 weeks 4 days
I had to change my shirt because it smelled like Mexican food
10 weeks 5 days
I had to change my shirt because it smelled like French fries

Etc. finally started feeling better around 16 weeks, and off zofran around 18. I was also super paranoid because the doctor had trouble finding the baby's heartbeat a few times, just because s/he was hiding. Now I can feel him/her move a lot (my favorite part of pregnancy) and other than being tired and short of breath, I'm in the pregnancy sweet spot and doing my best to enjoy it.

I spent 45 minutes trying on clothes tonight, and I think John thought I was silly, but apparently you forget that clothes are supposed to cover you completely and stay put!

How far along I was when the last not-baby finally came out.
My due date.
Our move. yay!

4/4: You know you're pregnant when... I watched 10 minutes of Ratatouille with the kids and I cried 3 times. Ratatouille!

4/14: I was so thrilled to hold baby Emmett (Tasha's little boy) today. He's adorable. I'm glad other people's babies don't make me feel bad.

4/11 (nine weeks): Went to the doctor today. He was right: I am definitely more nervous this time. I was a big relief to see baby's little heart fluttering.

4/15: Tacos at 10pm. What can I say? I make really good tacos. I don't feel great, but I am definitely not as sick as with the last two. Does that mean it's a girl? John and I looked up girl names today. Top choices: Esther and Aurora.

4/19: Made it to Logan and back without throwing up. A feat, as Susan and I both remembered, not always accomplished.

4/20: When Sara dropped Maggie off after preschool she yelled out the window, "Are you moving?" This is why Maggie doesn't know about the baby yet.

4/25: I had another doctor's appointment today. Rachel went with me and baby waved to her! The nurse said the heartbeat was surprisingly easy to find for 11 weeks. I think between that and the ultrasound measuring right on my due date last time (which has never happened before!) the baby is trying to be extra normal (which Rachel says is an oxymoron) so I don't worry. Baby measured over 4 centimeters!

4/27: Today John told Jodi and his mom that I wasn't allowed to help flip the mattress. When Jodi later questioned him about it, I typed up a text response, you know, lying about being pregnant. He erased it. "You want me to lie," he said. Instead, he just stretched the truth.

5/3: A true friend doesn't ask if you're pregnant four months after you miscarry, even when you show up at her house at 10:30 am with Del Taco, fat, AND wearing what she knows is a maternity shirt. Apparently. Love you, Tasha!

5/8: I forgot to buy pudding at the store and I'm eating my last Snack Pack. Sad.

5/9: 13 weeks. We popped into the doctor's office today to hear the heartbeat one last time, now that I'm past the high-risk period, and before our trip. Strong and steady. yay!

5/17: 14 weeks - today I'm as far along as I was when we found out about the miscarriage last time. Even better, I've felt the baby moving.

5/28: Finally told John's family, and not a moment too soon. I am totally fat and at least Jamie had noticed. Now I can wear my maternity clothes.

5/31: 16 weeks. I love feeling the baby move all the time! So comforting. Maggie asked me out of nowhere if the baby was still the size of an apple. Well, this week, it's avocado-sized.

Thanks to Tasha for being there when I first found out.
Thanks to Brook and Erin for the late-night Gatorade.
Thanks to Linda for taking me to the hospital.
Thanks to my doctor for being as awesome removing this baby as he was delivering Dalton.
Thanks to Jamie for picking me up, listening to me talk about who-knows-what, and for not throwing up at the blood on the floor.
Thanks to Jodi for watching Dalton, spending the night - and the whole next day - and coming over again the day after that.
Thanks to Sara, Suzanne and Jana for watching Maggie.
Thanks to Jana, Valerie, Sara, Susan and Ginger for bringing us food.
Thanks to John for the Disneyland trip so we can put this behind us. And for being the best husband ever.

And, thanks to Dave for immediately saying, "Yes, I can do that" when he didn't even know it was me asking for help. The world could use more "Yes, I can!"

I had a miscarriage. There, I said it. (Well, wrote it.) The first time in my life I can recall hearing those words was when I called my doctor with a question the day after we discovered our baby no longer had a heartbeat. The nurse I talked to told me her personal experience. The second time I heard it? From the anesthesiologist prepping me for a D&C. The third time? The nurse in the surgery center. And yet, 15% of documented pregnancies end in miscarriage - that's pregnant women who have already been to the doctor! Here's our story.

My first doctor appointment was at 10 weeks. Everything looked great. At 14 weeks, the nurse was unable to find a heartbeat with the monitor so she tried on the ultrasound, then called in the doctor. Obviously, by then, I suspected something was up. The doctor was able to find the baby's heart - not beating. The measurements indicated the miscarriage happened very shortly after my first appointment. This type of miscarriage - where your body doesn't immediately abort - is called a missed miscarriage. I had no idea that could even happen! Not only that, I spent another FOUR WEEKS waiting to miscarry naturally. I should have known; neither of my other babies came out on their own. During this time I continued to deal with morning sickness and none of my clothes fitting. Eventually I could tell I wasn't growing, and stopped "feeling" pregnant.

Since we are going on vacation this weekend (and I have good health insurance now), I finally scheduled a D&C (a surgical procedure to clean everything out of the uterus). Days before, I finally noticed a little bleeding and cramping, but not much. On Monday, my doctor performed a D&C. I'm still very tired, but I haven't really had any pain. This seems to be the way to go.

On to the emotional aspect of this. Things you shouldn't say to people who are grieving (and I'm not just talking about miscarriage):
You can always try again.
There must be something wrong with it.
It's part of the plan.
Your baby's smiling down on you.
You'll see her again.
Etc.

The only thing worth saying is "I'm sorry." I may think those things. John and I may even say those things to each other. But don't impose beliefs or possibilities or happy thoughts on me. Just say you're sorry. (John talked about this also)

I actually laughed at Leonard when he called. He said he was sorry and then there was silence. I told him it was perfect. There's nothing else to say. We chatted about it a few days later.

Leonard: who thinks saying that kind of thing will make you feel better?
but they keep doing it. when dad died and then again with mom
me: people who haven't experienced loss I guess
Leonard: maybe
people who say what they think they're expected to say

Now, let me clarify that if you have had a miscarriage and are willing to share your experience, feel free to mention that. But don't launch into your horror story without permission.

I'm one of those people who likes to keep pregnancy to myself (and my hubby of course). I waited for 12 weeks, and after my first doctor appointment before I told anyone, other than our family. And it didn't do any good! Sneaky.

Mmmm, chocolate pudding.
One bite for me, one bite for baby.
One bite for me, one bite for baby.
"Mommy! Can I share some?"
One bite for Maggie, one bite for me, one bite for baby.
One bite for Maggie, one bite for Dalton, one bite for...
That didn't last long.

Dalton is named after my Grandpa Richardson, and we picked William out of the Chadwick family names. We thought that was only fair since Maggie got a name from each of our mothers' sides of the family.

Erin picked me up a little after 7 am and took me to the hospital to be induced. “We told you so” to all the people who thought he might come on time – 6 days late this time. Erin waited with me until John got there around 9:30 or 10. They started the drugs at 9 and it was a boring few hours. John was afraid we’d have another middle-of-the-night baby, but when things happened, they happened fast.

I got an epidural around 12:15, and another one around 4, 45 minutes after the first one stopped working on one side. Ouchie. Once the second one kicked in, we were ready to go, and 5 pushes later, Dalton came right out. I kept saying “that was so easy!” because I expected to be pushing for an hour. The second epidural was a lot stronger than the first. I was so proud that I could twitch my toe by the time they moved me to my room!

I really love my doctor. I felt like he was more involved and more communicative than the doctor who delivered Maggie. He cleaned Dalton up and let me hold him for a minute – I didn’t get to see Maggie for quite a while, until they tried to make me nurse her but I was too busy throwing up. That was probably NICU’s doing though. Dalton was a great nurser right off the bat. He came out pretty hungry.

He’s got adorable spikey hair, and looks a lot like his daddy’s baby picture, except he has a little Susie nose, we think. He’s a good sleeper, during the day at least, a pretty good eater, and a great snuggler.

Maggie’s been pretty grumpy, between being dragged all over the place, Mommy being gone, and not getting much sleep. I don’t know how much of it is because of the baby – she always wants to snuggle me when I am nursing Dalton, but she slept right through his crying all night last night. She's somewhat better today. We spent the whole day at home, other than John brought Grandma June to meet the baby.

Thanks to Mom, Brook, Erin, Jodi and Franco for watching/entertaining Maggie, Erin for taking me to the hospital, everyone for visiting and calling, and honorable mention to Franco for stopping by the day before and finishing off my “nesting” list by leveling out the ground in our side yard.

I also finished another page in Maggie's quiet book. I've decided to do one more page, then sew 3 buttonholes along each page and thread something through to tie them together. The book could use pockets to hold some of the items when they aren't being used, but I can't decide how to do them, so I'm just not going to. I'm going to try to finish the book tonight.

Another item crossed off my to-do list is getting new insurance. We got new auto and homeowner's with lower rates on each, and a MUCH lower deductible on the homeowner's. yay me!

I have a theory that walking, hiking, mowing the lawn, storms, and bumpy hayrides only induce labor in inactive people.

Also, all three of us are sick.

I've just about finished (or given up on) my pre-baby projects. Which means now I am just waiting. I got started on Maggie's quiet book again so I have something to do. I still haven't decided how to make the pages, though, so it's just a pile of activities. I also made my friends and my husband feel bad for me and plan fun stuff to do.

Ember warmie
tree skirt
stockings
crib sheet
grocery bag dispenser
car seat cover
Lucy dress
baby pants
baby pants
rotate water storage (almost done)
fix side yard (this has to wait until after 9/15 so John can do it)
make jam clean fridge and freezer
Christmas list and get started
finish journal
scan postcards
lasagna for freezer
beef stroganoff for freezer
yummy balls for freezer
cookie balls for freezer
hot pockets for freezer
pretzels for freezer
stock up pantry
quiet book (in progress)
M snoopy jammies
thank you cards
Maggie winter clothes
baby hats
zipper bag w/ cell phone pocket
CCCs for while I'm gone
order printer ink
sealings
clean lazy susan
M hoodie (in progress)
pin cushion
infant shoes
M white long sleeve t-shirts

Also, I gave Maggie her first hair cut a couple days ago. I trimmed about 3 inches of straggliness off the back of her hair. It makes her hair look more full, and it curls up on the ends really cute. ETA: pictures here.

Going to DI today to drop off the three bags of stuff we've collected over the past 6 months, and to scout out jeans/fabric I can use to make maternity clothes. I was going to use a pair of jeans I already had (1 size too big, and 2 sizes too big) but I spent several weeks relying on each. So I think I'd better keep them as is. I already have some fabric to make a skirt, and fabric and elastic to alter the jeans.

Hopefully, Tasha's baby will be safely out in a few weeks and I can borrow some of her clothes, too. I'm getting quite the tummy.

UPDATE: I found a pair of maternity capris, which I actually considered paying $40 for at a maternity store, for $4. I also got two pairs of jeans. One is 2 sizes too big and really low cut so they fit great right now. The other pair I couldn't zip up all the way, so they will be perfect for making maternity jeans. The great thing was, since I didn't have to be picky about size I could pick out the cutest jeans.

I got two maternity shirts, hopefully all I will have to buy. I borrowed most of the clothes I wore during my last pregnancy, so I don't have much, but I'm planning to make and alter some clothes.

So, speaking of maternity shirts, here is a picture of me (and baby!) wearing one. Definitely getting fat. But not so fat. I banned myself from the scale this week, so I can't say for sure, but I probably still weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with Maggie. The doctor told me to gain less than 30 pounds (hah!). I gained 40 with Maggie and lost 55, so I think I'll be ok.

Susie: I should have put those green onions away. The smell is making me sick.
John: That's what you get.
...
John gets up, puts the green onions away, puts the cutting board in the dishwasher, AND sprays room freshener.

*heart*

We went to Zuppa's for dinner today. It is too easy to talk John into eating out, if Zuppa's is involved. I've been cooking dinner though, and I even cooked chicken for the first time in weeks. The doctor recommended a drug cocktail that has kept me from throwing up, so yay.

Margaret Susan was born in the wee hours of March 9th. She is a long skinny thing with lots of dark hair, a good sucking reflex and a great deal of charm.

I ended up being induced a day early because the little one stopped moving around and responding very well. Labor was very slow at first, but picked up quickly and seemed to go by really quickly overall. I only had to push for an hour, including the time I spent not pushing because the doctor wasn't there yet, and she kind of *popped* out, startling everyone. I did get an epidural, which I recommend. I should have gotten it earlier, but I thought I wouldn't be able to feel anything, so I put it off and got other drugs which made me sick.

Rachel has been very helpful (She just walked in with my prescription painkillers, so I have to be nice to her). She was there when Beet was born and stayed two nights at the hospital with me so John could get a few last nights of good sleep. She knows all about labor, childbirth and nursing now, so she will be an expert when she gets to have her own.

John is, as I suspected, the world's cutest daddy. He snuggles his little Maggie, calls her "sweetest", and sings cute little made-up songs to her. It is so precious to see how much he loves his little princess.

On Saturday John and I ran errands and went for a lovely walk at Crystal Cove State Park. We got to look in the tidepools and see little creatures. John bought me the comfiest pants at Costco. They were 1/3 the price of the ugly, less comfy ones at Target.

I finished my quilt today. I also finished the sewing part of the Beet announcements I am making, so now I can put my sewing machine away. This is the first time I've ever used my machine on paper; I'm sure Mom is turning in her grave.

We have taken Alyson's advice and planned fun things to do every day for the next week or so. Poor John has to do something fun with me after a long hard day at work. I am going to make a yummy dinner tonight.

John was sweet enough to take me out for dinner last night. All the salad I could eat!

I left work a bit early yesterday and took a nice nap before John got home. I even made dinner; tonight will be the third time this week! Not an amazing feat, I know, but it has proved hard enough the past few months.

This led me to wondering how many people have outies, and if it is actually less than the number of lefthanded people (a more obvious trait, at least in my circle). I can name a lot of people who are lefthanded.

I've also been wondering what happens to the 1/3 full toilet paper rolls that get removed from restrooms. Are they thrown away? Do the cleaning people get to take them home? Imagine closets full of nearly empty TP rolls...

I got up to go to the bathroom at 3:00 this morning. I think this was the first time I was successful at killing a cockroach in the middle of the night. Then I went to bed and Beet kept me up hiccuping. I was only up for 1/2 hour though - sometimes it takes me an hour to fall back asleep. That's really why I hate getting up in the night (and the cockroaches).

Last night we tried to see if John could feel Beet kicking and she happily obliged (loves her daddy). She was kicking me so hard, I thought John was poking me! When I asked if John felt it he says, "I felt you twitching. It felt like you were passing gas." See, he knows exactly what it feels like!

Also when I said his daughter was happy to kick when he had his hand on my tummy, John said, "That's right, she's my daughter; She's just staying at Hotel Susie for a while."

By this point it was 8:00, so I decided to read a little bit (I am reading Angels and Demons, which John bought me for my birthday) and go to bed at 8:30. Then John came home, so I got to snuggle with and talk to him for a while. So, I'm still tired but I got a lot done. I am excited to FINALLY finish a quilt. I like doing the tying part. Mom's sewing machine doesn't get "stuck" as much as mine used to - and that's what makes sewing take a long time.

I really like my new haircut. It's about at my chin, with just the bottom layered. I have bangs too, which I don't like, because they won't do what I want. I want them to be cute bangs like Rachel has, not ugly bangs like I have. Oh well.

We got some free tickets to Universal Studios and are going on Saturday with Rachel and her friend Rob. Rachel and I have never been before. I'm not going to take Beet on most of the rides, but I think they have a lot of shows and fun stuff, and the weather should be nice.

I'm starting to get to a really uncomfortable place with my clothes. My stretchy stuff still fits, and most of my shirts, but I don't have very much stretchy stuff I can wear to work. John bought me a few maternity things at Old Navy, but they don't quite fit yet.

With Jamie in Canada and all the Heritage Creations stuff being shipped to our place, there's been a lot of heavy lifting for me to avoid. If John's home, he has been a good husband about bringing stuff in, but the office closes at 6, so I think I need a little cart.

Jellybean, of course, is no help at all. Doesn't lift a toe, that girl. Lately, her favorite place to sleep is on John's pillow. Can you say "Spoiled"?

Ok, I have a TON to accomplish at work today, so I'd best get back at it.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and we're expecting a little one on February 28th (in reality we're not expecting him/her until March). But that's the news! Maybe now I'll have some exciting things to say again.

And yes, if you've been holding this news in, you can tell whoever you want now. Unless it's someone I work with. We're still pretending I'll be in my new position before anyone figures it out.