Spam As Folk Art for 2007 August

(Kevan) NetHack spam:

You bounce around trying to find a lead provider that is solid. 
You are skeptical of trying again. 
You still need a boost in business.
--more--

(via Raven Black)

(Kevan) Candle-Ends:

• Did the great Par-Salian send you.

  Uh, no, no, I just need a signature for this parcel.

• Hey Natural and Safe way to enlarge Tabitha Montgomery?

  No, that looks pretty unnatural and dangerous to me.

• Save candle-ends on branded quality medications!

  Serving the post-apocalypse barter market since 2039.

• Check out the wonders of pound melting

  Six grams of resaleable copper can be yours!

• Claim your cash for that painful whiplash

  Claim your riches for those terrible itches.

• Don't let ED affect your sex life!

  Just pretend he's not there.

• Free home-based vacancies.

  Become a burglar today!

• Want to earn good money? No problem, just look at this.

  Become a laser-pointer safety tester today!

(Leonard) Citizen M142A9, Report To Municipal Comfort Station: Pulp sci-fi spam:

• handsome uxj Female xig posing for fgv Human!

  Kinky!

• Don't be left out, join millions of men in the revolution

  The real reason the Empire cracks down on spam.

• Separate yourself from other men

  Defy the hive mind!

• Under the money-moon

  Ferengi barbershop quartets make a comeback. This spam urges "Don't be happy w ith your preceding success"

• Virgins always laughed at me and even gentlemans did in the municipal comfort station!
  Well, now I whizgiggle at them, because I took M_E GA D IK
  for 4 months and now my putz is extremely bigger than world.

(Brendan) halfhearted bodice ripper: "Oh Reynaldo," yawned Beatriz, "truly, your kisses set me aflame."

"Just a minute," said Reynaldo, mashing buttons, tongue through his teeth in concentration. "If I make this conversion, we go to the Super Bowl."

"I am sure your arch-rival Don Vicente could never match them," growls Beatriz.

"Fine," snaps Reynaldo. "Fine! Um, your body is the flame, my darling, and I am drawn like a moth to its doom, etcetera."

Beatriz taps away at the keyboard. "Okay!" she says. "Good. Now give me a euphemism for 'penis.'"

"Oh, just check your spam folder," grumbles Reynaldo, as the Patriots pile on.