Spam As Folk Art for 2004 November 1

I got spam from "Detective J. Williams" but it wasn't a randomly generated name; it was allegedly from a detective named J. Williams.

I've been getting cheap-software spam where the email address is random, but the name is always "Alice A. Walker". Either the spam software isn't working and is always taking the first fake name out of the alphabetical list, or the author of The Color Purple is also a spammer.

Mongol I. Desktops also tried to sell me software, no doubt freshly pillaged from the GUI steppes of central Asia.

And now, our feature presentation.

• you are the women

  Sometimes inspirational messages just don't work.

• Protect your family with a quality extended warranty

  My family was wiped out in a hard disk failure, but I was able to get a new one thanks to the extended warranty!

• is her wife suffering

  Yes, ever since their marriage was annulled.

• tell me ur fantasy!!!! soars

  Hey, you guessed it! (This was from "Dormant K. Gold", which is another of my fantasies.)

• pocket mastadons living with 4879

  Pocket mastadons sound like a cute pet. Like the Mimmoths from Girl Genius. But it seems that you can only get them in a dystopian society where your identity is just a number.

• The REAL Passion Of Christ

  That's what I like to see: porn with no possible audience. Except, I suppose, those who venerate Mary Magdalene.

• CiA1s listing for Ref: 2004/N/7191644663

  I like the implication that CiA1s is an online database like Lexus-Nexus.

• risk it

  Put it all on black! Wait, risk what?

• I let my girlfriend get screwed for a few dollars-bloomfield milk

  At least he could then afford the brand-name milk instead of the supermarket kind.

• define leonardr@crummy.com

  You can tell this person is losing the argument.

• Windows Critical virus update - september 8th

  Better get it! You wouldn't want to miss a virus! (This was sent in late October, by the way.)

• RE:just looking 4 a friend and nothing eles crack

  "No, no, it's my friend who wants the crack!"

• Get them laid w/o them even realizing...

  The opposite of penis enlargement spam.

• Degre.e in 400 Dollar.s

  At least they're honest about it.

• Subject: Woww..8o-% 0ff Leonardr

  Hurry! I'm going fast!

• exceptional New Scent Attracts 3 out of 4 Women

  Yeah, you go ahead and get crushed under the weight of billions of women.

• Fw: cut down on the pain

  I guess the FTC made them stop sending spam that promised to eliminate the pain.

• dont like doctors? no byzantium

  Byzantium was just crawling with doctors.

• Subject: affirmation Being unsparing in our efforts is common for us appraise

  The self-describing spam.

• FWD:I'M FUN, PICK ME Leonardr sarah

  She was always picked last for kickball. (Incidentally, the spam-maiden within this spam says "Hmm i like getting turned on and i enjoy to have pleasure." She's Tautology Girl!)

• complex mouth information

  If only I could operate this damned alien maw! Ah, what's this pamphlet? Excellent! Complex mouth information!

• All FUN, No Drama grill

  Safe grilling means a fun summer!

• get druuuuuuugs onlineee

  Maaaaaaaan.

• We Are the Best Boof

  Not surprising, since you just made that word up.

• hey pain girl

  I read your Livejournal.

• 99 cents a day HARDCORE ineligible

  So why spam me?

• Did you know? You can live and work in the USA!

  I did know this, actually, but I'm a trivia buff.

• your daughter needs to cope with the pain

  Suck it up, Kelly!

• Herald tribune article on vicodin

  It's the most relaxed article ever.

• this is your mother

  There's a line, and spam just crossed it.