Spam As Folk Art for 2004

Mon Jan 05 2004 13:57:

Wouldn't it be inconvenient to have each of your prescriptions delivered discretely?

Wed Jan 07 2004 14:01 I Was Born a Spam, Baby:

The spam subject line "Massive Passive Cash" reminds me of "Jupiter" by the Presidents of the United States of America:

Jupiter, Jupiter, massive passive ball
Jupiter, Jupiter, or-or-orbital
Jupiter, Jupiter, mass of gas and dammit
Jupiter, Jupiter's, pure pure pure pure planet

Could it be a conscious reference? How many people have listened to that much POTUSA?

Wed Jan 07 2004 14:47 In Case You're Just Arriving:

I really enjoy November's entries.

Rather poetic subject lines:

onomatopoeia indefinable ernest: The sound was indescribable, but not in a Cthulu way.
Animastic Platter: The mimetic goo from the gelatin slide is now $6.99 at Red Lobster!
Dough, bread, clams, pearls 1d: It's an SAT analogy, subtle and yummy.
Re: knoweth Suspended ruinous Account euwdsyccmbqjy fnabrj: And the Christ DID cast the moneylenders from the temple, and they WERE forced to suspend thy account.
Re: gas_saver is here emaciate hj qratb wagu: If we don't reduce our dependence on Middle Eastern fossil fuels, we'll turn into starving, babbling loonies.
jwcwuljgm freedom freedom why keep ûp the struggle, acqu!ire out of that mess sxbkwzdu vnh income grand why keep *up the strug.gle, annex out òf that mess oxvrar: What is a better reason to struggle? Freedom freedom, or an income grand?

Thu Jan 08 2004 09:52:

Uncover what others don't want to know from last month also reminds me of What You Can't Say.

Fri Jan 09 2004 17:22 "Who is telling you that this is false?":

Andy Holloway alerts me to his own spam poetry. From his message to me:

The general idea is that it's an attempt to get spammers to have written me poetry; when I've noticed a particularly surreal or interesting spam subject line (or had one pointed out to me) I have added it to the end of this file, and when a particular narrative seems to have come to a natural end, I close off that poem and start another one.

And Muppet C. Persuasively has a rival: McCarthyism E. Objectiveness.

Mon Jan 12 2004 13:57 By the Trunk of Sweet Ganesha:

Nathaniel Smith writes in:

Just received: Subject: Now you can do it Incredibly-druid l
This just makes me think of the 3rd verse of the old "Give Me That Old Time Religion" pastiche:
We will worship like the Druids,
Dancing naked in the woods,
Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And it's good enough for me!
(chorus)

and cites the original and the filk.

Wed Jan 14 2004 11:46:

You know you want it! Starvation consensus

The scary thing is that maybe I really do want that.

Wed Jan 14 2004 13:16:

Just got a personals ad spam ("dates in your area," etc.) entitled must? No, I am not an elephant.

Tue Jan 20 2004 18:55 Spamegorical Imperatives:

renovate your ma'nho^od rywenwdgbio: Will I need approval from the Neighborhood Manhood-owners' Association?
Be What shes always BEGGED for... FAST: The stereotypical dynamics of male-female intercourse make this alleged request unlikely.
beef up the size of your johns0n! scientifically safe: Oh, scientifically safe? Why didn't you say so? *glug glug glug*
Beware of Your Helth g: I always beware of my health - it could kill me!
Do not click on the link inside!: OK.
Dont Let That Lady talk Behind your Back..: That was no lady, that was my wife!
end the harassment: I can't help what the Neighborhood Manhood-owners' Association is saying about you, man. They're like a little suburban mob. Hey, at least they aren't asking to see your permit. Yet.
Fire your bopersecutionss, with eBay!: A less than subliminal note.
Get TV FOR FREE!!!: Since I am in the US and not the UK, and thus do not pay a yearly license fee (licence fee?), I've already amortized the cost of my TV. Unless you've forgotten The Time Before Cable.
Growitchcraftw your pebetraynis: Subliminal reverse psychology homeopathy?
Hey you there medicate thy self ck: Wasn't this a Very Special Episode of ER?
Impress the daylights out of her! ot at hlwytbnnihdl: This line should be said with a pipe in one's mouth. The garbled suffix is the speaker coughing out an "old chap."
join the many Americans enlarging their penises! mfmdsio: I can hear the Spammers' National Anthem now. O, Internet / I ruin it with spam...
Live life the way it should be lived: One of those inspiring tautologies.
make new kinds of mo.ney now wdpww: Beyond Barter, Beyond Currency...there was...FAKENESS!
Make the Government return your tax-money: The Robin Hood way? The Grover Norquist way? Or the this-never-works way, with jury nullification and saying the IRS has no authority and calling city halls admiralty courts and whatnot?
Never pay for movies again - pacifist: Does the recipient believe that the RIAA holds Pentagon bake sales?
Protect Yourself against the Evil Eye!!!: See, now you're just going overboard. The Association collects its dues and enforces its bylaws, that's all. There's no coven, there's no sacrifices. Although you did sort of sacrifice your standing when you decided to go ahead on that renovation without a permit...
Quit your day jbelgiumob...: But I like working for NATO!
RE: Stop emails like this one..: Metaspam: the beginning of consciousness.
Stop Sending Me CRAP!: Self-loathing: the second step.
choose from a range of medications syllogism: All men are mortal. Now Socrates, he self-medicated.
seize the bed: Stop! Can't you see what we're doing? We formed this Association to fight crimes against nature, the kinds of desecration that would lower everyone's manhood property values.
Stop, in the name of love kq asjow vwq: But here we are, trying to seize the bed -- and the liberty, really -- of our dear friend, Muppet C. Persuasively, just because he would have used it for a little manhood-addition that's not to our liking. Well, I may not have his tastes, but I'll be damned if I'll stand by and watch you stop him from beefing up his j0hns0n! *rips badge off chest, stalks out followed by majority*

Roll credits.

Thu Jan 22 2004 16:30 Election Commentary:

lockstep implausible

Fri Jan 23 2004 14:14 Spammer "Names":

The gold standard is Muppet C. Persuasively, with McCarthyism E. Objectiveness close behind. But here are a few contenders:

Economics V. Vehemence (Economics, Malthus, VHEMT, sure!)
Ganglions A. Aeneid (this one is for Seth and Dr. Julian Bashir)
Odessa Battle
Dallas Villalobos (I suppose this one performs Tex-Mex versions of classical guitar etudes)
Napoleon Bowles
Autumn Foreman
Topsail T. Oxes

Tue Jan 27 2004 16:07 Evocative:

boycott ditty

Wed Jan 28 2004 19:10 Don't Worry, This One Has No Plot:

Working from home conqueror: I'm imagining Alexander the Great telecommuting, playing multiplayer Civilizations.
I cant even think of that: Oh, I'm shocking a spammer now?
girls triple kissing: Inventive, but only academically interesting.
A time for peace, a time for joy. yep, i'm tired of it: Juxtaposition in the original, tee hee.
New hair growth and color reparation: I'm paying my scalp restitution for that "Scully-red" period.
Re: conversation was going pvtjugg uyc: Yeah, that's how I felt last night.
Leftovers A quick way to find your new car: New cars should not smell like Chinese food.
The best thing since white bread: Since I don't particularly like white bread, in my opinion the best thing since white bread was the thing immediately after white bread.
indecisive cavalcade: More election commentary!
Hold on! Invitation violent: I knew Orkut was trouble.
Warning Networkers!: (YOU WILL SUCCEED!) whehcyqmj: As Leonard said, apparently now you can prepend "Caution!" to any arbitrary statement. "Warning! Everything's fine."
Well East Coast Girls are Hip, I.... kjgwdovbwngo kc you can swing it at the hop.............. ddacxwciyjjzkbmsa: Yes, your inbox is now a jukebox! In more Transformer news:
Turn google.com into your own automated cash machine: Where would the cash would come out -- the cupholder?
This can change your life, for the better: I love the lawyerly butt-covering.
landmark deploy apocalyptic handymen: Uh-oh, I insulted lawyers!

Thu Jan 29 2004 15:20 Not A Whole Can, Just A Snack:

Sick of deleting junk recursion email !? Spa m Exterminator kills all bad spa m automatically!: Kills Me Dead.
Jacko considers running against Bush13746: And you think the debates are circuses now. Let's make the US more like Neverland! What are Neverland's foreign policies?
a noticable increase in thinkness: A forgotten line from "If I Only Had A Brain."
Filch Euclid: Great artists steal!

From Leonard:

Score like a star-discoid oo: they tell us what kind of star to score like
Your woman and all women-delusion znykhia cwq x bwc: "ah, ze woman, she is but ze delusion, no?"
Attract Wild women into your life-arc cvzbrxsgwdit: looks like he got more than he bargained for

From Kevin:

dentistry hazardous huckster: Sometimes randomness brings wisdom.

Mon Feb 09 2004 17:23 Dear Vicodin:

A very nice spam poem.

Wed Feb 25 2004 11:05 Readers Write::

Kevin Cooke alerts me to "Kidneys T. Provoking."

Gary Benson sent me these, and I added the commentary:

Wann Have Multi-Cum? erf akqh qy: Is this like in pinball?
No Side Effect tdqsjoas sminzad: Except drowsiness, it seems.
drowsy bavaria: The drug got pretty wide distribution, in a situation analogous to the Albanian fraud.
gummy the number one salary weapon: I find Ferrero Rocher gives me the edge with my boss.
super viagrga annulment dismembers: Annulments don't really dismember so much as obliviate. Additionally, I miss the spam of late 2003 that advertised "Man-Agra." Turn the subtext into the text!

Wed Feb 25 2004 11:13 From Kevan (commentary included!):

sugper viagrga $3 d0se jumpy demountable: It's worth paying extra for the emergency ejection system.
slugging Make her happy! qkt ipdtb: Say it with physical violence.
Instant university degree butt: No uncomfortable lecture hall seats required.
stick plaster and ur bird grow bigger cephalic bouquet: Underhand tactics at the bird show.
thank you for registering. your userid is: D: Let me write that down.
Re:Reverse Your Age, look 20 years younger: x=(a*10)+b, x-20=(b*10)+a - unsolveable for integer values.
solomon bragging about his sexual exploits: The Old Testament - 39 Books of Hot Begetting Action!
HEY I'M ABOUT TO HOP ON CAM!!: Jumping and skipping available to paid members only.
No Wait! Immediate Delivery!: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your unique selling point?

And an excellent spammer name, even if it lacks the middle cartoon-frog initial: "Colleen Colon"

Wed Mar 03 2004 13:40 From Leonard:

Embalmed D. Shortcuts (latitude@damsel-in-distress.com)
Subject: Explore top-placed Super Viagrna! ;-) A faithfuls elliott elimination.

Fri Mar 05 2004 16:49 More Reader Alerts!:

Andy Holloway:

"Tired of looking at your wrinkled face in the mirror as you pluck yet another grey hair and watch the pounds pile on?"
I love the over-the-top prose. It's almost like a hard-boiled, greying detective. "This town is cold and ruthless, like a diamond, or a woman; it ages you and never forgives you for aging. That face in the mirror is mine, and what it says to me is, 'Someday I'm going to slip you up, Spade. You'll pick up a gun and your hand will shake, and that will be the end of you.' I don't look in the mirror much these days."

Kevan Davis:

TAKE A STEP Into The Rx Future, shampoo kinky: Take *two* bottles into the chronoportation pod?
I can pay you USD 100 to help me to find a job , even temporally!!: The time-travelling shampoo salesman thing didn't really work out.
no more endless searching: Buy our CD-rom with the email addresses of all white crows in the universe.
Get cash out of your home: Horrible, horrible cash. Take it away.
Oh! My last weekend! corrodible: I'm afraid the Monday morning acid baths are compulsory.
PLAY BINGO ONLINE FOR FUN OR REAL MONEY: But not both.

Also from Kevan:

Two gangster spammer-names: "Bert Slaughter" and the excellent "Numbers Moses".
And two adjacent subject-lines:-
  D 5635 Mar  6 Emmett Lutz         (3927) FREE shipping watches
+ D 5636 Mar  6 Dianne F. Flynn     (2661) lasts for 36 hours

Tue Mar 09 2004 17:37 Leonard gives us Impregnability J. Jacobi:

and other amusing entries in the spam yearbook include Seismographic E. Figaro, Darwin K. Santana, and Wilmer Hilton (Paris's brother).

go quite slowly to the sideboard: Is this from Eliot?
Become a Pro....Pornstar: It's a warehouse...OF SAVINGS!
Re: BLSGCT, third laconically averred: The unlikely hero always laconically avers disaster in the last third of a second before the explosion.

Fri Mar 19 2004 13:47:

some say it is funny: "Others, perhaps bring cynical, declare, 'It is about time!'"
my scream :(: Howard Dean, stop emailing me! Who do you think you are, Clark?
north: You see a spam here.
Yes, buddy. Just for your information!: There is spam from Nigeria and there is spam from Brooklyn.
Vencil do you like blondes? I hope so cuz you'd like me!!: Not quite a pickup line. A "pick me up" line.

Mon Mar 22 2004 18:42:

this is a turn on: Just as Indian call centers ply their employees with training on small talk and listening sounds and pronouncing the sound "v," 900 numbers train virginal operators with three-ring-binders of sin.
always do what you always done: Status Quo Industries presents: the 2004 Presidential Elections!
Blame the saudies!: A line from this message: "yes yes yes america paid for 911". As remixable as any Rather or Dean quote.
I don't understand why you say that fss p ni iop qo: But surely you must agree that fss p ni iop qo!
we made this cuz you like it: I don't know whether either clause of that sentence is true.

Thu Mar 25 2004 10:19 From Nausea V. Polygraphs:

Also: Unseeing J. Pinkeye (makes sense), Bialystok H. Fourteen (from The Producers For Kids?). Garland J. Dripping (with dew), Entanglement L. Deciphered (Washington as Cryptonomicon character!), Materializing L. Intimately (like Q in Kathryn Janeway's quarters), and Enmesh B. Autograph.

Thu Mar 25 2004 11:58 'Return of the Spam' is a pretty bad title:

If you have any sense, you've already read it, but I link for posterity: Checkerboard Nightmare reminds us that hey, there are two sides to the story.

Also, I really want to get my own copy of the algorithm that produced Dappers U. Trafficking (a Victorian opium dealer?), Lionel Dejesus (Lebowskian: "Nobody f***s with Dejesus!"), piggy reznor (which makes me picture a leather-clad pink stuffed animal, among worse things), weedbub weedbub (which stands on its own), and of course Waveform D. Conquistador, Quantum Hero!

everyday people can turn to millionaires: For what? Scorn?
From nothing to wealth in 90 days: "First, get nothing."
Here You Go Xorph earth: That's awfully nice of you, but where am I going to put it?
Pirates of the Caribbean DVD is waiting for you.: It could strike at any moment!
Re: XHQCOHU, spanish boot hindered: Actually, I think it just did!
Kooagsto my brother was raving about this, so i tried it: Wait, how often does he rave? Was he raving when he mentioned "Kooagsto?"
Re: XUD, of soviet life: In Soviet Russia, UDX!
What are the washing instructions? Xorph! New sooft shopcenter!: So we're... washing a mall? I guess? Maybe on Delicates?
Look at photos of people in your area looking for a date: "No, you can't talk to them. We just put the pictures up to taunt you."
want that dream job? get a dimploma.: This reminds me of my old scheme to set up a cheap school in the Bahamas and issue Doctorates of Nedicine.
Biggest meediation site on net, Xorph!: Ditto.
M0RTGAGE RATES H1T R0CK BOTTOM!! .. .... qprdgkzgfn66: Ah, yet another Dead Spammer. I think he was standing under the mortgage rates.
(9)Hundred per-cent proven to increase your size(36): I like my size 36 already, thank you very much!
Xorph president: Absolutely! (Too bad this came from Nitwit O. Dunlap.)
Muscle strength, reverse your age with HGH: So I'd be -22? Or 1/22? I can never remember how this works.
The CD Satan Doesn't Want You to Listen To: Oh, no, it's a Chicago CD. He just really hates Chicago.
Hypnotic Sessions on MP3 - Depression, Self-Esteem, Motivation and more: Sweet! I've been looking for a way to increase my depression.
More from the Dip Universe.: Truth in advertising?
News: smart sp@m and virus control is here: Hint: If you have to mangle the word "spam" in your own marketing, you're probably doing it wrong.
Explore PRO- Super ViagTra! :-) A subaltern eupepsy tiddler.: I... is that what it really does? Because I'm not sure I want my... eupepsy... tiddled. Really.
Paypal payment for ebay auctions: In other news, food for eating.
fwd:Xorph Farmgirls with Huge Horse Penis brown space: See, that last bit makes it artsy.
Seersucker chiming fantasts bono?: Absolutely!

Tue Apr 13 2004 08:19 "36 Hours of Freedom" should be a movie about Tai Chi:

In the vein of A. Holloway, I present this single glorious spam, which wants so badly to be a haiku that it almost is:

Viagra's newest rival, Cialis is here, a treatment for erection and impotence problems which brings with it the promise of "36 hours of freedom" to achieve an erection. CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT MORE remove me

Fri Apr 16 2004 15:35 Only A Fraction of the Nonsense Available:

Coming soon: contributions from readers. But first:

you could be john holmes: An excellent deduction, Watson. An itemized deduction!
is that your car?: Dude, it is!
Flayers among us: Either the writer plays a Lovecraft-influenced D&D game, or he's a Buffy refugee with a lisp.
I hate the cold I hate the rain: Noir Detective Baaaabies.
Charlie's Angels Replica Shades ev k mmka f kzanhz: "Shades" and "angels" -- is that you, Philip Pullman?
This IS a legitimate BUSINESS mdtv gtunkwvb: So there!
Forced Matrix = Fast Cash r fp: My math classmates would disagree.
She take a valium, she love me in the mornin buprwv38: You sneak her a Valium, she call a lawyer.
break walls apart with your huge "tool": Yes, a "hammer."
Oh Sildenafil Citrate !: Let me count the erections!
From: democracy@government.com Subject: Democracy !: Why isn't it government.gov?
Take off your pants and let a MONSTER out vnima hh ya: Those last bits are quotes from the MONSTER.

Mon May 03 2004 18:23 Gaming the Inbox:

I do have a nice fat new crop to post here soon (teaser trailer: Make.her Bed.for It), but first I wanted to link to an article by Tycho of Penny Arcade. He discusses what it's like to own a five-year-old address on a high-traffic site, and how he's come to view it:

When the viruses began to hit, the viruses that harvest e-mails from files sitting in your temporary browser directories, I declared that Spam had essentially won and that human dialogue had been crushed. ...

The most important thing for me isn't that it is snaring Spam, as much as I hate that stuff. It's a psychological shift that has allowed me to "game" my inbox and look at unsolicited mail in a new way. I'm actually excited to get spam now, because every new entreaty from a nonexistent cheerleader improves my learning filter and reduces spammer efficiency.

Tycho's referring in that second part to his newly obtained Bayesian spam filter, a method perhaps most famously implemented in NewsBruiser. What struck a chord with me, though, was the phrase "game my inbox." That's exactly what SAFA has allowed me to do. Spam has become psychological warfare on a massive scale, perhaps the most intrusive method of advertising yet devised, because we have to inspect each piece with a diminishing hope of getting real, important information. But gaming the inbox allows us to turn the mental tables--it stops being a pain and becomes a somewhat enjoyable distraction.

In other words, is spam getting you down? Start your own spamblog today!

Mon May 03 2004 18:41 For Your Enjoyment:

From: Effectually C. Goebbels: Leonard asks: if he's effectually goebbels, why should we believe anything he says?
Street Anarchy Armenian Street Riders: Maybe that's what the Turks were going for.
Does this headline look familiar? gxka qupynxifocy: Yeah, it's from Slate.
get me off that s*** data base immediately: (profanity redacted) Perhaps you're confusing who controls whose s*** database, mister.
So anyone who comes before Radharani to serve Krsna, oh, She becomes so pleased: Amusing fact: I get way more Christian spam than I do, say, Islamist spam. The only Hindu spam I've ever seen....
www.geocities.com/i_pray_for_you_ Jerusalem Temple of Holy Sepulcher: and the only Jewish one.
I don't know why I bother working anymore: Scam or fatalism? You make the call!
Increase Your Length==========>: As illustrated, with "bloop bloop bloop" sounds increasing in pitch.
Sonic makes guys Bionic in 5-15 minutes: I expect a more precise timescale from something as sci-fi-sounding. It should take exactly 6 minutes and seven seconds!
911Skeptics Unite!: We'd be too paranoid.
From: Supermen Superman: A Nietzsche cover band?
From: Helpful Answers Subject: (none): Honesty in advertising.
Reactor PEN1S: It's gonnah blow!
Make your love life awesome immediately sumanah: Sadly, this sounds like an imperative from a boss. "And I want those ovulation reports by Monday!"
Are we Insane? 5 adult DVDs for 1 dollar! dO tQj: Note that these questions are unrelated.

Wed May 19 2004 17:37 One Reader's Submission:

Leonard notes:

U Still Dare To Fcuk Girls Out There With Ur Little Pe--nis? acrocarpus: They make it sound like i'm presumptuous.
if only you had firehouse salamander: That spam subject makes my day.
there is nothing as good as this knight branch
May Madness-Free Polarized Sunglasses: Who wants madness-free sunglasses?
No Pumps, Weights, Or Exercises for the New Year: That's a weird resolution.
Forget falling stocks, be the dealer in Seinfeld's online casino necrosis: I don't think I ever want to have anything to do with Seinfeld's online casino necrosis.
it hurts to tell you eager nadia
it worked for me capo crunch
Protect your family with a quality extended warranty: I had no idea you could take out a warranty on your family. So you get a new family if they die?
Re:Notice of Default prostitute: "Sorry, your default prostitute is not available."

Wed May 19 2004 17:58 Mailbag of Horror:

Robin Kraft submits a specimen with the following silly lines:

Good day my dearest lusty pal!
I think I have first-class hearsay and great propose for you now!
P.S. Your acquaintances, pals and pals can get this ticket also Extremely Free. Bye, your voluptuous girl!
Hasty tip: to conclusion from this Great mails...

Nathaniel Smith:

Subject: no visual side effect compare to v-iagra wallpaper
I believe this to be correct; at least, I have difficulty imagining how any visual side-effect could compare to viagra wallpaper.
Well, okay, I also have trouble imagining viagra wallpaper.
As if that wasn't surreal enough, this was actually mortgage refinancing spam. Perhaps it is a clever scheme in which the viagra wallpaper is used to somehow alter property values before the refinancing.

From Gary Benson: Are you satisfied with the smallness of your c0ck? akmcudyygenz: and
You will eventually die. cumxiibnvkqx
From Leonard: healthier, happier, harder! fraternal odious gentlemen
From Alexei Othenin-Gerard, a man of gravity: Become a More Enormous Man: As if I wasn't enormous enough already.
Zack Weinberg notices: Atkins Pen|s en|argement pi||s: the magic word "Atkins" makes everything TRENDIER!
From Kevan Davis: have u known how u irritated others? swordsmen biont abjection: I didn't even realise I'd been doing that. Thanks.
Satisfy your.self and her... astronaut: Actually, I've been meaning to talk to her about that.
Try our Dog Treats for Free: Come now, minimum wage at least.
why are you asnewirng my pohne clals?: Why are you phoning me?
Your Doctor say no? We will say yes! 12021: ... before we kill you, Mister Bond.
Get help if ib debt random>!: You now owe... 2D6 thousand dollars!
Your wieght bothering you??? Try Phentermine: +4 to Turn Undead, or your money back.

Mr. Davis also notices "names from two extremes of the televangelist spectrum; 'Pestilent Q.Haber' and 'Elvis Couch'." Andy Holloway contributes the names "Hope Askew" and "Hung Britt".

Tue Jun 08 2004 16:43 Spam I Am:

Zed writes in with hydrogen atom widows 824 zed. Somehow this conflates the typesetting terms "widows and orphans" with a loss of valence electrons.

Leonard contributes it depends on you fellow othicon. "Othicon" sounds like "Tholian" to me. Fear my mighty web! My peer-to-peer-pressure web!

Thu Jul 01 2004 06:25 Just thought I should mention:

Subject: Search engine traffic Good Day Thirty-three percent of users think that if a company has a top ranking on a search engine, it is a leader in its field.


They've got me!  They know I can't resist marketing to that vaguely confused minority!  Of users!  Of something!






  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Fri Jul 09 2004 16:20 Of course I have a bunch of entries piling up; Real Soon Now:
  
  Defective Yeti makes a more-than-passable SAFA-style joke.

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Tue Jul 27 2004 13:14 Who Will Know?:
  
  Sorry, my Fiscal New Year Resolution to post here promptly and regularly has failed.  On the other hand, here is Spamusement!, Steven Frank's "Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!"

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Sun Oct 03 2004 17:35 SAFA Yet Lives:
  
  A few sender names:


Truman Fountain.  I would totally believe this as a place, maybe in Missouri or in some incredibly obscure corner of the White House grounds.  
Platinum Romance.  Romance that is rare and expensive?  "Linda, I really think we could have something going here, a romance with an atomic number of 78."
Hilario Preston.   "Oh, Pressy!  What a wit!  Biff, did you hear what Hilario Preston just uttered?"  (See Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man.)
beginfrazzle1708y@arabesque.com.  Ballet can get pretty stressful.
Bequeathed A. Colloquies.  When I die, my estate will go to the Commonwealth Club.
Kermit Rich.  Tarzan fell, frog nursed Tarzan back to health, Tarzan grateful, now Kermit Rich.
Refugio Justice.  "Refugio" and "Hilario" remind me of Pisco Bandito, the Bandit Fish.
Capitalizing J. Carissa.  Carissa Capitalizes It All (for our younger Nickelodeon viewers).
Biorhythm K. Allentown.  Funkytown is in Rhythm Nation!  Won't you take me to....Allentown?
Metabolize P. Cyclones.  A self-powered Dyson vacuum?
dr.popkow@skinlasercenter.com.  Too onomatopoetic for this potential patient!


And then there are subject lines.


not this time infest mack

A deleted scene from AntZ, starring Woody Allen and Sharon Stone.  One termite sees some tasty-looking wood that's actually plastic.  The other lays a claw on his shoulder and sorrowfully shakes a mandible.  Thorax?  Whatever.

Women will leave their men for you -dilemma  asjna

A command-line excerpt:  ./women-will-leave-their-men-for-you -dilemma -u brad_pitt

Surprisingly enough, I can find no organizations with the initials ASJNA.

Foreleg J. Unscrews

Ew!

Moon Landing NCAA Basketball in 1980 Not so good. stranger

Am I the stranger, or does this spam promise scenarios even stranger than the one just revealed?

Get that job you always wanted. Premiumhelp egregiousmaladaptive

"Get that job you've always wanted; you're certainly no good at this one."



  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Fri Oct 08 2004 09:34:
  
  There's a new genre of spam that recalls Franklin's dialogue with the
Gout. The subject lines go like "Living your life? Well, PAIN sees
things differently. That's right, PAIN is your constant companion,
whether you realize it or not!  Bow down before PAIN!"


Do you wait and see? Pain can't wait.  BUND
To Everything There Is a Season -- but not pain.  %RNDUCCHAR17
You do not need to suffer the pain.  TWWGZT


There was another one that was like Getting away from it all?
Can't escape Pain.  OVAL. I am a big fan of this spam
author. It's like they're trying to copy the rhetoric of a TV commercial.

I was also intrigued by this pitch:


It takes a lot of doing to make  an appointment with your do_,ct'^or,sit in
the the do',ct^~or's waiting room or meet your fr',ie.nds in the hospital,so
we solve these things all for you n-'ow while asking for a l`o.wer pricesfor the m^ed'^ica_tions you n-e^ed like V""icodin ( Paracod) Euro.


You visit my friends (sorry, my fr',ie.nds) in the hospital for me?
You go to the, er, do',ct^~or for me? Do you also call my mother and
do my jury duty?

And now, subject lines.


Make god's envious of you in bed!
If you did that you'd probably end up like Encolpius.

FW: Add an mba to your name
Just call me Leonardmba!

asteroid midwives near 1309
You say "Asteroid midwives", I say "Planet-destroying lasers".

graduation for sale
I really like this phrasing.

U R Stupid Dumbass If U Pay Retail Pri-cee For Softwares
destroy else Dude, calm down!

Sexually get some of the action What is this,
The Apartment? "Get some of the action, sex-wise!"

defrost naughty singles
Sounds like another lonely Friday night.

your so lu Rodrick Lay You probably think
this spam is about you, don't you, don't you.

These girls love Peeing...
Hey, I hear that.

how is my son needs hurting I don't think
your son does need hurting. I think you're just telling yourself
that.

No need to continue living with bad credit; we will help
Thanks, but I'm not ready to commit suicide yet.

Subject: Lookin' to get some ass? egotism
Yes, I suppose it is.

Growth hormone accelerates wound healing
What?! Wait, actually this is the first HGH spam I've seen
that explains why you'd want to buy HGH, so I can't
complain.

Subject: info from you bank
Arr! What does me bank have to say for itself?

Subject: FACT:  You're about to be thinner, leaner, and healthier
Don't I get a choice?
Subject: Warning: No Evidence Alert Yes, spam
sounded the alarm bells about WMD in Iraq long before anyone
else.

Subject: Rolex is what I want you to wear.-Linux /oral
catskill camber

First my girlfriend bothers me about my taste in
accessories, and now my operating system does the same?

in a world that always bring people wonders and changes
Spam As Movie Trailer

cultural Hidden Pain in Pain Pill. Vikoidne

I have walked the paths of the ancients, through the
forbidden cities of Denn-var and Czi'ka'kgo, seeking the secrets of
their medicine. Now, I give you this relic of that self-destructive
yet carefree age... Hidden Pain in Pain Pill! Vikoidne!Take
only as directed.

I always knew id be able to order online one day
Doug Englebart, vindicated at last.

didn't go to college - that's ok we'll give you a diploma
Come forward, Scarecrow!

Re: watchband candidate
Vote for me, and, uh... watchband!

I've been a very bad girl, check this out! bicp
Yeah, that's pretty bad.



  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Thu Oct 21 2004 08:29 Trout Mask Rolex Replica:
  
  I call this one "The Rolex cycle", a tale of hope and
betrayal. Matthew Barney has nothing on me!


Impress her with a Rolex
Do not settle for less than a ROLEX.
She told me you want a Rolex ?
Rolex is not for all. Is it for you ?
Even you can afford a Rolex now. Come on In
Rolex Replicas


And now, your regularly scheduled subject lines.


Miracle protein for your illness
Then spam my illness, not me!

Wow! No hassles! or Dr. Appointments
I've just about had it with Dr. Appointments and his
stalling tactics.

can we go over Ross's budget today?
Sure, go ahead and order those new laptops.

Outstanding! As a true voyeur this is my dream site!
I felt something was missing from other voyeur sites. They
seemed to lack a passion for their art!

I truely admire these BBW FAT CHIX
On the other hand, sometimes the "porn connoisseur" bit
falls flat.

little bottle eliminates photo cops!
That's a little bloodthirsty for me, but what about a
little bottle that eliminates photo ops?

lowest prices on your medications Wilbur
When Mr. Ed spams.

people are raving about our pharmacy
Mostly about it being controlled by the Illuminati and the
CIA.

As seen on CBS News! Canadian Pharmacy Drugs
But then it turns out the drugs were forgeries.

As seen on FOX News! Canadian Pharmacy Drugs
Didn't they say that our wise president had deemed
Canadian Pharmacy Drugs to be unsafe? Ha! I'm on a roll!

Caution: cheat online
Oh no! That guy who cheated me signed on to IM again!

gals showing off their boots -- gro.tluafges--rdranoel
It's either a weird fetish site or a filter-foiling typo,
but I can't tell which.

Whoa doobie. A full sized SUV right there between ya legs
Here at the SUV Rodeo!

feck longer & herder
It was daring of them to choose the cast of
Trainspotting as spokespeople.

lack of universitty degreee means you miss out on good jobs -
we can
Sure, rub it in.

hark 8x Longer than V1AGRA, and cheaper, too?
Man, you'll never be able to swallow that pill.

Discover New Mind Blowing Technology
This puppy can blow a mind from a hundred yards!

NeverPoorAgain Randomizer Pays You $10 over & over
Doesn't sound that random.

Awaken her/his appetite for sex
Step 1: determine her/his gender.

meet teen nipples tonight
So you're... nipples? How's that working out for you?

Re:Notice of Default prostitute
"Sorry, the prostitute you selected is no longer in
stock. Please accept this default prostitute and a complimentary
coupon."

curl get laid
I think UNIX utilities are not the best market for
spam.

it depends on you six juvenile
I woulda gotten away with it too, if it hadn'ta been for you
six meddling juvenile! 

Wait! Still single and waiting?
Yes, because you JUST TOLD ME TO WAIT!

now that i am irresponsible viking
Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam...

U Still Dare To Fcuk Girls Out There With Ur Little Pe--nis?
acrocarpus
Frankly, I don't know why girls stand for it.

fw : paris hilton would not touch that little thing
Wow, suddenly I've never been happier about the size of my
penis!

Valium delivered to your home
When neurotic housewife fantasies collide!

all i want is.. sage garvey
"Done!" says the King with a stroke.


SEXUALLY - EXPLICIT: Extreme Stretching
Yes, it's porn yoga.

help your daughter with her hangover
Time for tough love at the Bush household.



  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Fri Oct 22 2004 09:44 Please Confirm Everything:
  
  Spamania!


Onliiiiiiine Phaarmacy
Spam!: The Musical

Please Confirm everything. - Octover 14, 2004
Confirm everything? That'll take forever!

Girls With An Added Bonus leonardr!
I'm pleased to announce this new cross-promotional deal where I am bundled free with every girl.

Pleased you are able to aquire and use an international drivers liscence in a new name out trace- appoint hitler
When you drive internationally, you appoint Hitler!

assist your daughter in pain
Look, your son doesn't need hurting and you shouldn't assist your daughter in pain. Stop hurting your children! Won't someone think of your children?

Hardcore Medz
When spam genres collide!

Antidote found in Crocodiles
"Doob-doob, you swallowed the antidote bottle!" "Soooo-rry."

Do you wait and see? Pain can't wait.  AAR
It's about time I started getting pirate spam.

cigar 0 bodice rippers
What people hoped Clinton's autobiography would be like.

King of Med's OG3
Once I was the King of Med's; now I eat OG3.

Susie just open it
I've probably said this, on Christmas day.

Simply the Best UM
When Josh Hendler spams (Heh heh, a little in-joke for my colleagues at the Clark campaign. What?! Okay, geez.)

We have your email, why not use it for free stuff?
Spam blackmail! "We're already spamming you! Make the most of it!"

Freshly pierced... Ask me about it! a
I never want to see a supermarket clerk wearing this button.

Leonardr bi-girl looking for more ocean
Thanks to global warming, you're in luck!

[Windows-1251] Internet ???????
That's the idea, yes.

Mortgage Cycling Revealed
The Wild One remade as a real estate movie.

40% off the entire Fredericks.com site!
I'll just take the top nav, thanks.

scan your PC for free Alfonzo
Wow! There was free Alfonzo on my PC all along!

stop the pain momenteraly
Ah, sweet relief--ARRRRRRGH, THE PAIN!

How to hypnotize (subtle way to get laid)
Hey, thanks for telling me about the SUBTLE WAY TO GET LAID!!!

I'm lonely tonight -  Tue, 19 Oct 2004 22:51:15 +0300
Great, now people are spamming me with entries from their boring weblogs.

Sweet Sister seeks slightly Sour Sam spoon
The alliteration extends to the filter countermeasures!

teen anus can cost you your job
Teen Anus: Destroyer Of Worlds

Greatest online pills here
Like... dotcomaphil! And webzine!

size does matter loyal centipede commandeer
I need you to send only your longest, most trusted soldiers on this mission!

(54)Guaranteed by science to work(27)
So I just drop something and it falls towards the earth? Amazing!

I-want-a-trilobite, Exotic sex is urgently necessary for you!
You, you can't have a trilobite.

my nights are better astride vexation
You must stand astride vexation if you would prove its master!

Vicodin and Xanex poison
I guess that's one way to look at it.

Quit You're Day Job
As a copyeditor.

Movies! toaaggh!
His longstanding fear of movies triggered the heart attack we all knew was coming.

Holding hands: just a fading memory?
The extremely-soft-porn website tries to make a comeback.

Looking for 100 people to make pope Rich
Sure, I'll leave my lands to the church.

See EARS ON A BEATLE for only $33.50!
Since all the Beatles have ears, that seems a little high. Are they Spock ears? What is the deal here precisely?

Get CASH out of your home Leonard Richardson
Is my home on fire?

Hey Trilobite, did I amaze you? UtLdT
I'm a trilobite! What do you think?

squid brides inside 216
Not even Kevan would want a squid bride (though perhaps a trilobite would).

it worked for me capo crunch
The new cereal for guitarists.

why arent you bridgetown norway
That's right, Lyon, France, I'm talking to you.

FWD:Where -r- u ? abyss
Can't help you there.

RE: Finally  sauerkraut Payment confirmation P852260311 serene
My sauerkraut is on the way; at last, I can relax!

it hurts to tell you serpent antisemite
I can't stand here listening to you and your racist friend.

Your opinion could be worth $1000
But is probably not.

so strong so big rosary conform
Adherence to Catholic orthodoxy has never been so masculine!

cocaine harmonica
Is this one of those "wacky patents"?

find out if John is a real woman...
My guess is no.




  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Sat Oct 23 2004 20:25 Fred Clark, We Need You!:
  
  Just found a spam from "Hattie Durham," a character in the Left Behind book series.

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Mon Oct 25 2004 10:59:
  
  


Dont Blame Ur Bro Being So Small, Try This Out moonglade
But we're pixies; we're supposed to be this small.
particle accelerator cigars from 5304
I'll take a dozen, and a couple of those high-energy lighters.
Ebony Horne   cheap erection tool! 
Cheap and painful!
Do you want put hand to p.ussy?
Or would you rather be able to draw on three thousand years of pornography?
Is GOLD ready to EXPLODE? 
Is this another SECRET CODE, boss?
You can do it! cold cash From Home
Yes - freezer compartment, vacuum-pack wallet - but why would I do it?
It's me, Spider HY6710 from AOL
Quick, to the ice-filled bathtub!
Here's what you're looking for..............lecher
Hey, I heard that.

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Wed Oct 27 2004 11:28 Behind the Spams:
  
  "Hey,  Joe,  what subject do you want on the spam?"

"What?"

"It's  going out right now! I need a subject from you!"


saving money is the subject

Some from lines:


From: Ayatollah E. Writ
Need a fatwa? He's your man!

From: Cancer viruses.
So that's how they spread!

From: Fred G. French 
Subject:
Frenchs
That's some serious frenchitude.

From: Queen Huggins
Queen of the paper towel people.

From: Foreleg J. Unscrews
He can't resist showing off his prosthesis.

From: Boyd I. Sizemore
When "generate your Mormon prophet name" meets "generate your porn
star name".

From: Instantaneous Q. Pips
Starfleet officers! Increase your rank instantly with new Q
powers!

From: Leftover A. Beep
"Beep!" "Beep!"
...
...
Hey, wait, guys! There's
Leftover A. Beep!

From: Nitpick T. Yoknapatawpha
There's no way to top that name.


And, our favorite, the subjects:


Looking for a promotion?  Save your company thousands!
Okay, I won't look for a promotion.

Are you satisfied with the smallness of your johnson
No, but maybe I will be once I stop beating my wife.

RE: The Banks will Compete for your Refi!
Dance, banks! Dance for my entertainment!

Modern Miracles REPAIRS & Builds Your Face
Good thing, too, since my face suffered some earthquake damage and
the entire second story needs to be rebuilt.

Let Cupid Do His Job!
Geez, stop trying to fall in love, you'll just mess it
up.

if only you had firehouse salamander
Not the best mascot for a firehouse, since salamanders
traditionally burn things down.

No Pumps, Weights, Or Exercises for the New Year
Usually people's New Year's resolutions involve starting to do
exercises.

Bankers Dont like us!
And cops don't like my profile.

PHARISEE WATCH:  Unheralded News
New opportunities in temple-based moneychanging!

Side effects of nacrotics can be kind of cool piezoelectric
If this is their best pitch, they're in trouble.

pain is killing your girlfriend
I never should have responded to that other spam, split her in
two!

14, Please Pay
Three of Five, your car payment is overdue!

i called, why didnt you call back
Because you didn't actually call.

Looking to go out tonight ,. Find a date that could change your life
here . despite lolly
Lolly's ruined my dates for the last time!

Lonley woman looking to chat
I guess that's better than "Langley woman looking to
chat".

Goddess of Love seeks Leonardr  newly
Uh-oh, that last sacrifice probably had a defective
dove.

Cartie is forever. Are you for it - postfix absenteeism
I guess not.

You, your computer and us
I miss those rollicking '70s sex comedies.

hey sufferers of the world
The new, hipper Communist Manifesto.

I Promised to help 5000 people
And by "help" I mean "spam".

RE: So about those wives Leonardr... :-)
You mean to say I'm holding up Utah's
statehood?

Grab this Hot Oil Play
Sounds painful.

i-want-a-trilobite A 1-Step formula that guar-antees suc-cess
Step one: ask for a trilobite. (I'll never get tired of these
jokes!)

the Variety. The police
Kurtz's less chilling last words in the original draft of Heart
of Darkness.

is your sister suspicious
Susie just open it!

RE RE:Leonardr Dynamite comes in small packages !! abort
As the spammer found out, to their peril.

watch my nose
Why? Gah! That's disgusting!

why does your sister spy on you
Will spam never cease trying to drive a wedge between me and my
sister?

Omega Watch
Unfortunately not from the same spam genre as PHARISEE
WATCH.

Gambling secrets EXPOSED
You say the games favor the house? NOOOOOO!!

chock f1nd a ch1ck hedgehog
And so Chock the little hedgehog found true love at
last!

how about we save you alot of money today
A glimpse into the condescending world of Savings
Therapy.

get pains away in this way
Nice meter on this spam.

assist your brother in pain
Hail and well met, brother in pain!

Everyday  soft  - duty-free prices
All I've ever seen in the duty-free is booze.

Fw: our small talk -  Sat, 23 Oct 2004 12:21:52 +0400
If you reference your small talk with a timestamp, it wasn't small
talk

noble satan detector
"I say, there's the old cloven hoof over there! No, no need--I'll
banish him to the pits myself."




  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Mon Nov 01 2004 07:23 From Name Follies:
  
  I got spam from "Detective J. Williams" but it wasn't a randomly
generated name; it was allegedly from a detective named J. Williams.

I've been getting cheap-software spam where the email address is
random, but the name is always "Alice A. Walker". Either the spam
software isn't working and is always taking the first fake name out of
the alphabetical list, or the author of The Color Purple is
also a spammer.

Mongol I. Desktops also tried to sell me software, no doubt freshly
pillaged from the GUI steppes of central Asia.

And now, our feature presentation.


you are the women
Sometimes inspirational messages just don't work.

Protect your family with a quality extended warranty
My family was wiped out in a hard disk failure, but I was able to
get a new one thanks to the extended warranty!

is her wife suffering
Yes, ever since their marriage was annulled.

tell me ur fantasy!!!! soars
Hey, you guessed it! (This was from "Dormant K. Gold", which is
another of my fantasies.)

pocket mastadons living with 4879
Pocket mastadons sound like a cute pet. Like the Mimmoths from
Girl Genius. But it seems that you can only get them in a dystopian
society where your identity is just a number.

The REAL Passion Of Christ
That's what I like to see: porn with no possible audience. Except,
I suppose, those who venerate Mary Magdalene.

CiA1s listing for Ref: 2004/N/7191644663
I like the implication that CiA1s is an online database like
Lexus-Nexus.

risk it
Put it all on black! Wait, risk what?

I let my girlfriend get screwed for a few dollars-bloomfield milk
At least he could then afford the brand-name milk instead of the
supermarket kind.

define leonardr@crummy.com
You can tell this person is losing the argument.

Windows Critical virus update - september 8th
Better get it! You wouldn't want to miss a virus! (This was sent
in late October, by the way.)

RE:just looking 4 a friend and nothing eles crack
"No, no, it's my friend who wants the crack!"

Get them laid w/o them even realizing...
The opposite of penis enlargement spam.

Degre.e in 400 Dollar.s
At least they're honest about it.

Subject: Woww..8o-% 0ff Leonardr
Hurry! I'm going fast!

exceptional New Scent Attracts 3 out of 4 Women
Yeah, you go ahead and get crushed under the weight of billions of
women.

Fw: cut down on the pain
I guess the FTC made them stop sending spam that promised to
eliminate the pain.

dont like doctors? no byzantium
Byzantium was just crawling with doctors.

Subject: affirmation Being unsparing in our efforts is common for us
appraise
The self-describing spam.

FWD:I'M FUN, PICK ME Leonardr sarah
She was always picked last for kickball. (Incidentally, the
spam-maiden within this spam says "Hmm i like getting turned on and i enjoy to
have pleasure." She's Tautology Girl!)

complex mouth information
If only I could operate this damned alien maw! Ah, what's this
pamphlet? Excellent! Complex mouth information!

All FUN, No Drama  grill
Safe grilling means a fun summer!

get druuuuuuugs onlineee
Maaaaaaaan.

We Are the Best Boof
Not surprising, since you just made that word up.

hey pain girl
I read your Livejournal.

99 cents a day HARDCORE ineligible
So why spam me?

Did you know? You can live and work in the USA!
I did know this, actually, but I'm a trivia buff.

your daughter needs to cope with the pain
Suck it up, Kelly!

Herald tribune article on vicodin
It's the most relaxed article ever.

this is your mother
There's a line, and spam just crossed it.



  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Wed Nov 03 2004 12:35 Post-Election Spam:
  
  Are you desperate from your country? Come live in the USA!

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Thu Nov 04 2004 08:39 Post-Election Cheer-U-Up Spam:
  
  
Ffjcpdq the occasional depression is not that terrible. relax now

Tomorrow will be brighter.

She will smile tonight.



  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Mon Nov 08 2004 08:36 Terror Of Improper Dosage:
  
  Seems like spam is getting more boring. Maybe it's just me.


Miracle Protein for all viruses
Calling all viruses. Calling all viruses.

what are you missing scholar
Please, sir, my tie?

Re Cheap Xan ax
The xan swings his ax! The xan hits! The xan's ax is shattered by
the force of his blow!

Leonardr Spunky Black Belt seeks Soul Mate carom
They're finally turning their random word generators to good use;
I also got "Bootylicious Babe seeks Hunk jails".

I prescrbe this
Doctors' handwriting just gets worse and worse.

MuThe joy of eating the dish cooked by Mum could release the
Cliffhanger spam at its best. Unfortunately, searching shows that
the complete sentence only appears in other spam.
Dear customer your details have been compromised
What excellent service!

Celebrate July 4th with a USA T-Shirt
But I'd rather celebrate it with my friends.

there is nothing as good as this knight branch
A lance might work better.

Soft-Ware Whole-Sale!!!
I love your out-standing new algorithm that hyphenates compound
words.

garbage can 68 curses PA1N MEDS... BRAND NAME, GENERIC IS
AVAILABLE
Maybe they can help you with your Tourette's.

girl scout 571 cowardsCome back here! Defend your cookies!

Teens taking a bath! ocloxt!
Eating and voyeurism don't mix.

derate cleveland
Lousy Cleveland.

is your wife a violator
Do you have a warrant?

Behind me were snowdrifts
The polar bears were closing in! My only--are you even
listening?

Never go to the doc again
Die at age 40!

Your home is your kingdomIt was just my castle, but then we added the side bedroom and
expanded the garage...

your penis your life million abject chair
I saw this film in seventh grade, but the surreal footage of
crowds of weeping chairs is a postmodern addition I'm not entirely comfortable
with.

Hi Leonardr Fully Stocked . Everything Here. cornbread abg brown
What about muffins? Muffins too? Well, what about chartreuse? Or
msk?

Leonardr Updated 10,000 Cheating Wives Database
UPDATE wives SET status="cheating"

pay les for S0FTWARE
Les is the head of Purchasing, right?

football team alchemists inside 742 S0MA-Watson IONAMIN-, etc..FREE OVERNIGHT SHIPPING !!
I propose augmenting the chemical wedding with the "chemical
touchdown". Now that we've got the Philosopher's Stone, we'll finally be able
to defeat the Dolphins!

Osteoarthritis? Tendonitis? Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?
No, but thanks for playing!

How to find a tax heaven- psalter stifle
I guess you could think of a tax heaven as the place your money
goes when you pay taxes, but is it really neccessary to suppress the book of
Psalms to work this into Christian doctrine?

You are the one to decide this moment waterhouse
As Cryptonomicon reaches its climax...

You said once you like Rolex.- claim autonomic
You're saying I said this in my sleep?


your doctor's appointment ends on the 6th
That sounds like one lengthly appointment.

Subject: terror The usual dose of Davrocet is 1 tablet, up to a
maximum of 6 tablets
The slasher film about drug dosage bombed at the box
office.

chump
Same to you, pal.

Re: Re: Final
Not so final.





  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Tue Nov 09 2004 01:30:
  
  
you will love our promotion Eloy
Just file into this bunker when the alarm sounds.
does your organization do this?
No? How about this? I bet it can't do this, either.
This is the email we were talking about
Book now for next year's anti-spam seminar!
ask Wilfred about Gabriela
You can't see that here.
Do not drive a car, operate machinery while taking Ulltram allocable
Hallucinate any vehicle you like, from the safety and comfort of your own home.
chat with assholes on the internet!
Surely not!
You want a quicker computer? Spyware stays resident in memory, just use this to remove it x
Yes, just open up the task manager and use our special marker pen.
Fossil Watches
With its flinty paleozoic eyes, and it waits, it waits...


  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Thu Nov 11 2004 09:46 We the Spammers:
  
  A spam I just received included the line "No whaler had ever been better armed," which will appeal to Leonard in a nautical way and repulse him in a the-poor-whales way.  It also quoted a text that, now that I think about it, probably appears in more spammer-accessible places on the Internet than do obscure British government reports or the complete works of L. Frank Baum:

The President shall, at stated times, receive for his services, a compensation, which shall neither be increased nor diminished during the period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that period any other emolument from the United States, or any of them.
Yes, the Constitution.  As Alberto "the Geneva Convention is quaint" Gonzales continues his steady route to the Attorney General's office, perhaps spam will serve as the last reminder of Constitutionally guaranteed civil liberties.

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Fri Nov 12 2004 06:45 Nietzschean Thesaurus Spam:
  
  
 You might become to the champion man for her.
 You might transmute to the unsurpassed individual for her.
 You can transmute to the top fellow for your woman.
 You must transmute to the unsurpassable human for her.


  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Tue Nov 16 2004 10:48 Spam Microfiction:
  
  I call this one "Restaurant of the Soul".

When around girl meditates, paycheck for customer feels nagging
remorse. necromancer about, piroshki around, and prime minister over
are what fade America great! snow pee on beyond cab driver. Unlike so
many boys who have made their halfhearted sandwich to us. He called her
Rosie (or was it Rosie?). malefactor cabbage opportune tablecloth


  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Tue Nov 23 2004 07:45 Spammers Hand Over The Keys:
  
  
Need a Visa Card? Try ours
Long have I waited for this day...

his eyes are healing
Man, this Christian spam, I tell you.

Does your card give you gas, cash, or points?
It just wishes me a happy birthday.

YOU JUST WONT A FREE GREENCARD!
Don't know what the verb is there, but it's probably
true.

Leonardr gorgeous lesbian needs hot partner weepy
Why is it my shoulder they always have to cry on?

Get a Free* $500 Gift Card
There was no footnote in the message. It's just generally accepted
now that an asterisk means "We're lying".

ride that big 20" toy up and down hard
Just in time for the holidays, it's My First
Low-Rider.

30 Reasons to start Hooked on Phonics today
Why learn to read, they'll just spam you more.

online replica store
So it's not a real store, twice.

Kevin, Walk Away From Your Debt
Kevin suggests running away instead, preferably to another
country.

Force collectors to abide by Federal Law ,
Yeah, I've had it with their mailing fraudulently
produced dentures across state lines!

You are nominated for a Ph.d
It's an honor just to be nominated, really.

RE:find me........., love me float
One of Elvis' less coherent songs.

medical essay : painfull liberty inside
Ew, the blood of patriots and tyrants!

From: Plectra M. Foetus
The new zygoco band.

U.S. is Recovery
Is IS recovery, it is!

"Old Tarts really recognizes the timeless quality of sensuality."
Again with the weird "porn connoisseur" language.

important - avi's will destroy your life
Who knew a file format could be so dangerous?

PAIN PILLS...OURDoctors FILL and SHIP Directly to Your DOORSTEP
Seems like a big waste of a doctor's time.

Grab your money and beautifil girls today- southbound larynx
This is the life! Money for nothing and chicks for free! Oh no!
I've lost my voice! Rock star powers... diminishing!

Leonardr imagine if you had a diplo@ma
I'll just have to console myself with my diploma.

Any medication - completely anonymous and private.
In a non-spam context, this could only be referring to medical
marijuana.

no other place like home
It was "no place like home" and then someone pointed out that home
itself is like home...

did you spell that right Alfonso
I can't believe spam is lecturing me about spelling.

accomplishment needed
Mission: Accomplishment

NT 4.0 Workstation update
It's a little late for that.

News: College kids wear Rolex watches
Hard-hitting local journalism!

you are the one and only cauliflower
I told you never to call me at the office.

Leonardr start a new life - this is HUGE
That's why I generally avoid starting a new life.

Never 2been easier
How did they find out the name of the guaranteed-hit single on my
next R&B album?

crhis said he is psised at you
Arncocdig to rcareehsres at an Egnlish Uesitnirvy.




  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Wed Nov 24 2004 12:54 Footage Madness: Don't Let This Happen to You:
  
  
Be a Real Man. Rolex Watch.
Spam finally grasps the fundamentals of non-spam advertising
rhetoric.

A treasure chest of mortage - girlish bender
Avast! It's Long John Silver's... mortgage.

Bask the living with Person Growth Internal Secretion
You'll bask the living, but you'll envy the dead.

Do you like your country?
Hmm, this CIA employment exam is tougher than I
thought.

important - footage will destroy your life
If square footage would destroy your life, that would be
interesting.

Re: OJ Simpson! hahaha
Oh, man. Will those stupid, mind-numbing jokes never get old? Hey, remember this one? "What's the address of O.J. Simpson's homepage?
Backslash-backslash-escape!" Hahaha--wait, that doesn't even make sense. That
joke could only have survived in a world where most people only knew about the
web through hearsay and had never actually used it. I guess those jokes have
gotten old after all. Why must you perish, dumb topical-ten-years-ago-jokes?
Why do you torment us with reminders of our own mortality!?!?!

Subject: You can start saving now  - agleam checkbook
How can I save when that shiny new checkbook urges me to spend,
spend, spend?

you are happy as of november 8th
I envision Droopy Dog getting this spam. "According to this
affadavit, I'm happy."

hose your mother with pain
Are you insane?

Want Super-V? How about super disc0 unted?

No I do not want super disco.

enjoy your girlfriend's medical problem like never before
We'd see a doctor, but we need the eggs!

Amazing   we wouldn't take you to the cleaners like before beware
Reverse psychology spam for those who've already been burned by
it.

Wouldn't you like to save some money ? Get them from Canada and save .
capitulate bottleneck
Don't you understand? Canadian dollars are cheaper than American
dollars because they're worth less!

Passed up for the raise..again?
It's that lout Robinson! Always sucking up to the boss! Whatever
will I tell the wife?

wastrel and more!  have 100 titles on our site for u confirmation
At last, my own copy of "Wastrel"!

Bart how could you do this?
Why you little!

RE:Porn riches available today- paranoia country
You're in Paranoia Country now.

story-my girlfriend isn't impotent anymore
But now she suffers from male-pattern baldness.

It is known, that dogs eat horses!
What in heck are they getting at? This sounds like the beginning to a
lecture given by Groucho Marx.




  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Tue Nov 30 2004 12:54 There's More of Gravy Than of Spam About You:
  
  As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

The most passive-aggressive spam opener in history.  It calls to mind Yudhisthira's line in the Mahabharata, or the stereotypical mother saying "Don't mind me, I'll sit in the dark."

I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal Cancer that was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.
I don't know why you're listening to these defiled experts!  Get them to ritually purify themselves, then we'll talk.


I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.

But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Not only does Ebenezer Scrooge live in Dubai -- he'll be the first human since Jesus of Nazareth to come back from the dead.

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Wed Dec 08 2004 06:32 Call Me At Rolex Time:
  
  
From: Corrosive Q. Malt -- What's your pleasure, squire?
I think you mean "poison", guvnor.
Your employer said they can't hire you because you don't have a deggree
Also because they are already employing you. Please stop phoning them.
Mosquito Incorporated   246 People Died From Mosquitoes
Which as this next slide shows, signifies a very real 78% drop from our third-quarter average. I know most of us are dead in the winter, but malaria infection represents a 24-hour global marketplace, in the 21st century.
nobody beats our prices on drugs
Well, except people taking some of the stronger hallucinogens. But we wouldn't advise buying anything from them.
In the body of some pharmaceutical spam: ...you can drive or mix alcohol drinks with them...
Do not attempt to operate machinery or mix fruit smoothies, within eight hours of taking.
Are you pimped with a Rolex watch?
Are you quite sure you're using that verb correctly?
Rolex Tattoo
Shockproof, waterproof and it tells the right time twice a day.
You are only 15 minutes away from amazing night of love!
It's mid-afternoon. You really shouldn't have had that Rolex tattoo done, you know.
call me at Rolex time
Now, if only I had some sort of watch, I'd know when that was.


  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Fri Dec 10 2004 12:18 INSERT INTO wives SELECT...:
  
  
You came without a
--SONG, in your HEART

she likes invading privacy
Sorry, but the new attorney general has already been
chosen.

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Credit!
...okay, credit who?

drill your girlfriend's hospital to the max
But honey, the dowsing rod said there was oil on the
grounds!

S/o/f/t/w/a/r/e taking a bite out of your b/u/d/g/e/t? Try O/E/M!
Spam recreates the look of those old Digital ads.

Leonardr we added more wives Leonardr
Still not enough wives for my tastes.

Express your love to him,buy him A BMW Watch
Or even better, buy him a BMW.

im happy with this pain stuff
Going after the lucrative masochist market.

Don't cry daddy
When spam tugs at the heartstrings.

It's time to meet the new you!
Sorry, human spammer, but you've been replaced by the SpamBot
3000.

Excitement has found you! ^?Safe Sexual Affair^? Club
I thought I could hide from excitement...

Survey says your pen-is is small
Well, I want a second opinion.
FWD:Leonardr care to meet kally wacky
I've always loved to meet local morning DJs!

Leonardr Single as a one-dollar bill  fewer
HOW SINGLE was he?

im glad i found it comedy beginner
Yes, some open mikes are more friendly to new comics than
others.

Get your Bible Based Degree!
I'm majoring in Deuteronomy.

The best prices from Leonardr's Software on Demand Outlet,
Come on down!

Dirty sluts can make can make you rich see how here- chambers
mantrap
So according to the Spam Unified Theory of what does what: dirty sluts make you rich, even as footage ruins your life. Does this sound right?







  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Wed Dec 15 2004 15:17 Three subject lines:
  
  Xorpheous

Xorphan

Xorpheu


Chin up, guys!  You'll get it right someday!

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Wed Dec 15 2004 15:33 Just A Simple Tailor:
  
  I keep getting virus spam from "Elim". Why, Garak? Why???


From: Sardine J. Geldings
Gelding a sardine is a delicate operation!

From: basil mcglory
His mother was English, his father Scottish.

my pain med1cat10n are killing me
Now that's irony!

We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going
on.
Spam therapy.

almost100%ofthosewhoinitiatedivorcelaterregrettheirdecision!thereisThe Micro Machines pitchman turns to PSAs.

Sports Illustrated : Don't you need someone to share your dreams
with
Yes, but Sports Illustrated is not that someone.

Your consent is needed
Why not simply manufacture it?

girls eat pink
Gender stereotyping now extends to food.

Got trouble with your pickle ? %RDN_WORD %RDN_DIGIT
Got trouble with your %RDN_PENIS_EUPHEMISM ?

Now putting a price on youth?
I was just playing around! I never meant to put a price on
youth!

Dreaming about a A watch
That is one boring dream.

Vioxx User Damages Estimated at $7billion
Once upon a time, spam was advertising Vioxx. Now it's drumming up
people for a class action suit. Have you no morals, spam? I expected better
from you!

Yes, man is mortal,
Thanks to the price I put on youth!

Tupac prefers Rolex, Cartier and Breitling
From beyond the grave, he endorses selected bling.

interesting medical tip :learn how to violate
I'm trained in CPR and in, uh, violation.

Cross th border without leaving your house!
When you live in scenic International Falls!

pain is killing your mother
And you never call, you never write...

you have not lived until you have tried the blue pill
The latest Matrix advertising campaign.

Get popular hard to find medications here
We don't stock that anymore. It kept selling out.

Myth Shattering Behaviour by Celebrities
You mean little Mikey's head didn't actually explode?

Sarah how could you do this to me?
Well, for starters, I'm not Sarah.

I came to make you money
Investment Opportunity From Another Planet

my doggies fetch crabs
Whatever you're selling, nobody's buying.




  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Thu Dec 16 2004 16:29 Spamival of the Fittest:
  
  your computer is infected with spyware Darwin

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Wed Dec 29 2004 20:44 Poign spam:
  
  I got a "Free Laptop" spam, just a few minutes ago, which contained as its filter-baffle text most of Jerry Orbach's obituary.

  





  
    

    
    
    
    

    

    
    Thu Dec 30 2004 17:42 Holiday Special:
  
  Just in time for Holiday!


New Year with Vicodin Mario
It's-a me! Coked-up Mario!

save your sickness
If you'll just sneeze into this jar...

Santa and Wife Says Ho ho Ho hO!
What are they hiding?

This is insane leonardr!
A SIDJFAF RGIJERGRDLK BDFNBLSG RR! Thanks! I'm here all
week!

RE:Porno riches make you rich- ca glottal
As do any other kind of riches.

Is it A Micro Cap Miracle?
When CNN Money does Christmas specials

Start your own vending route!
Wow, that sounds... not fun at all

What's for christmas?
Apparently Christmas is a meal.

medical essay : dont ignore your cerebral pain
Confront the angst!

Get rich in one minute
Whoa! I can't handle that kind of up-front
investment!

Vicodin - only now Ginger
For a cultural creative's pain and fun.

You don't want to spend christmas alone ? We got the solution
Wait! My family! That's it!

The gut has to go
Will you be performing the antrectomy yourself,
doctor?

Catastrophic Christmas sale
I've been to those.

Sara will do you in the theater
I guess that answers Alanis Morisette's question

in canadian pharm we trust
I pledge allegiance...

important news about when you die
No spam subject line has ever let me down more.

Disgusting Movie of Important Women
The new book of short stories from David Foster
Wallace.

Stop Paying For Your Pay-Per-View Movies Sports
Alternatively, stop viewing them.

wipe out all proof
Leave no witnesses! Happy holidays, folks!