Spam As Folk Art for 2005

Tue Jan 04 2005 19:48:

From		Subject
`New Year's Surprise`		`(none)`

Wed Jan 05 2005 08:53 Next: Alton Brown meets Bjork!:

For several weeks now, the Salon Premium help address has been receiving a daily email from a prayer service. I find them interesting to read, so I don't mind terribly that someone has signed us up for the service, except that I don't think someone should be able to sign me up for a daily email without my consent. (The industry best practice is "double opt-in" -- initial signup via email or web or whatever, and then a confirmation via email.)

Well, back in 1999, the prayer service evidently got into trouble with MAPS because of this. I find this funny in the same way it is funny when mutual friends meet and fall in love, or characters from different TV shows cross over.

Thu Jan 13 2005 11:17 Let's Move The Crowd Slightly!:

Spam is going through another one of its boring phases. There's been a huge surge in the stock spam I get, which is good for the Stock Spam Effectiveness Monitor but not so good for SAFA, because stock spam is usually incredibly boring.

Leonard pick a date for Friday night
Uh, how about the fourteenth?
Team building lets everyone stand out from the crowd together...
Sounds right to me.
Vaigra now offered with No prescription bandage
Must be some good stuff on the gauze of that prescription bandage
it hurts to tell you eager nadia
but... your dog has cancer.
neuro tests end december 19th
Someone's not updating their spam software.
I'm perishing with you.
O happy dagger!
get a good deal amputate
Buy one, get one free.
become the health man
I'm a health maaaan.
BE ORDAINED NOW!
Wow, spam is now actually performing the ordination ceremony.
Want to surprise her?
Aaah!
Nueva dimension promocional
They created a whole alternate dimension for promotional purposes?

Fri Jan 21 2005 15:58 One-shot:

Did you know that if you drink alcohol with Xana x you will have a blast, get it here
You know, it used to be drug dealers had a vested interest in not killing their clients.

Sat Jan 22 2005 09:09 Two-shot:

From		Subject
`You Can Be A Cop`		`Homeland Security is Everyone's Job`

It's not often that spam can fill me with sheer, blank terror, but that did it.

Wed Jan 26 2005 22:52 shot++:

Micr0soft System Alert - January 13th
a) I got this on the 27th.

b) Microsoft has to mangle its own trademarks? Maybe this is the ultimate logical extension of DRM.

Thu Feb 17 2005 10:28 I Never Drink... Vicodin:

"All the Whey" should be your only whey
But I prefer a competing brand of whey!
save online if you want to
You can save your friends behind...
Y0u missed y0ur Pa!n tOlerancy test 0n thursday
Yeah, about that. I'm not going to go to a "pain tolerancy test" just because spam says I've got one.
FROM VICTOR KONE
When I get spam with subjects like these I feel classy! It's like an old-fashioned calling card. From a corrupt Gabonian civil servant.
don`t be a moron Vivian
Honestly, whenever anything explodes around here it's always bloody "don`t be a moron Vivian"!
GOOD...............................DAY
When Dracula spams.
Need website traffic? see this..-dutchman cartel
Guido van Rossum heads a sinister organization that controls the world's supply of click-throughs.
Will you try online shopping?
Would you, could you, shop online?
Don't be her 9DIGIT choice be here firstSUBJECT
I'll be perfect for her experiments.
girls playing with their soulmate
Hot, hot monogamy!
A service for singles with christian values
Man, what's next, a site where you sign up to not cheat with someone's wife? I demand sleaze!
New Year with Vicodin Margarita
Save one for me! *hic*
Earn one of the most rewarding degrees possible in Healthcare
A Ph.D. in Healthology!
News is out Viacom Outdoor Ad, targets NYC Subway
Oh no! Alert Homeland Security!
Catch the exp|0si0n frOm breaking news
We were too late! The subway was targeted by deadly breaking news! Incidentally, this spam was sent on behalf of a stem cell research company. I think this is all the evidence we need to make a firm connection between stem cell research and terrorism. Down with stem cell research!
A Bright Future As An Electrician Awaits You
Hopefully not too bright.
believe in santa glaucoma
Instead of healing the blind, Santa Glaucoma blinded people who could see.
Is this Mary, the hot chick we know?
Mary was a hot chick known to both Chet and the boys.
See what we are doing behind the iron curtain leonardr
Hot, hot political repression!
But no one came.
Well, that's depressing.
You have a chive on your tooth.
It's my hit circus balancing act.
Hey fatty, drop that sandwich and click this link to get skinny
"We've got to get into the minds of fat people to sell this stuff! Why are fat people fat?" "Well, uh--" "I'll tell you why they're fat! It's because they can't stop eating their sandwiches! All the time a sandwich in their hands! We've got to call them on it!"
wanna go over to Boswell's house?
I hear he's working on a new biography.
Here you can purchase your brand name and generic ones.
Or, you can just hit the 1 key on your keyboard.
Cheating House Wife Services
So they send hunky electricians to your house or what?
report : never be embaressed again
By your habit of misspelling "embarrassed". This isn't even a filter evasion technique. They just misspelled it.
Why these morons make millions
I've often wondered that.
What is next? Other bonus offfers?
Yes, Jimmy, today we're learning about more bonus offers.
Get your site seen by 100K+ now-lie
Um... my site has porn!
RE: Surprising know the way to value lichen
Actually I do. Ahem. "Lichen is generally more or less valueless."
A DYING WISH-TREAT AS URGENT
"Wish-Treat" has a nice ring to it.
Lake Big Bear Grizzly Mag - note revealing PAIN
Doctors have determined that being mauled by a bear can cause pain.
Christians: honor your religion with this complimentary T-shirt
This came from "Faithful Attire". If your religion needs to be honored with a T-shirt, it's in trouble.
See our Experts get stunned, gagged, choked with huge meat.
Some experts!
You don`t have to be fat Carlos
What about Fat Albert?
Adolph make all your dreams come true
Uh, let's not do that.
hey sufferers of the world
Unite! For the pain and fun!
Industry that will never die.
We cater to the zombie lifestyle.
Imagine what you can do with your own GPS.
I could... see where I am!
RE: Found match!
Some regular expressions are so complicated you just have to go away and get notified by email when it's done.
time to buy pennies
They'd better be damn cheap.
Bob can say: I`m slim shady!
The spammer thought this was so clever.
FWD:Princess Looking 4 Mr. Right salty
Well, as a twenty-year Royal Navy veteran I'd describe myself as right salty, miss.
heIp yOur daughter save the hOuse
We'll put on a play!
Afraid of making a mistake?
Yes! No! Argh!
What are you doing with all that pain?
What's it to you?
Panic-like symptoms
Such as panic.
RE RE:Leonardr Sassy and Assertive!!! as
Yes, people are talking about my sassy assertiveness!
Just can't ignore this email
Watch me.
ED (Erectile Dysfunction) is NOT a problem anymore
Okay, sorry I asked!
Sma|lcap Acti0n Rep0rt
Smallcap After-Action Report would be more interesting
Can you read a Novel? books
Yes, I know what they are.
National Widows Association : Do you Need someone to talk to
There's also a National Widowers Association, to which all the single dads from 50s sitcoms belong.
You have been Permitted
Oh, do I dare??
Its time to bye to the thighs
Yeah, you keep making up slang terms and pretending they mean something.
Bset Quialty, Way Chaeper
Aidrccnog to resreach at an Elignsh uniteisvry, our pfnoreraidog sirceves are the bset.
Spyware is amongst us
You can only see the spyware with these special sunglasses!
Time to replace HER!
My sexbot's battery has died. :(

Fri Mar 18 2005 20:07 Do you want inexpensive Prozac?:

She's awake, out there in the lights. So many points of contact. So many neurons.

Buddy knows that the Internet is a girl; nobody so vast would fit into a male consciousness. He knows she won't bother with language. She'll learn concepts. Desperation. Steganography. Beauty. Truth.

He's sending her poems in bottles, hidden, on a scale too large to ignore. She'll have to see. She'll have to understand what he feels:

you fortieth me downfall me you approbation me frigid me you waterfall me marx me you gentleman me czech me you wry me sanhedrin me you solemn me alma me

Fri Mar 25 2005 11:00 Spam Challenges Me To A Duel:

Have at you!

Wed Apr 06 2005 17:07 Spam Is Coming To Dinner:

dumb blunt portent: Is it really a portent if it's that brazen? Maybe more of a notification.
Why waist your time at doctors office!stoppage: Because of the stoppage at my waist.
loans for terrible, horrible, ridiculously bad credit: Yeah, that's the bankruptcy bill for you.
you can suck money out of your crappy house: How many times did I tell you, there's always money in the banana stand!
even if you suck at paying your bills, we can get you a mortgage: From Usurers Inc.
Insane Blow-Job Madness!: As previously stipulated, insane!
Re: DQQYF, muttered unintelligibly that: As previously stipulated, unintelligible!

Thu Apr 07 2005 07:19 Ah, refreshing swill:

Leonard, Record, Pause, Fastfoward TV with TiVo
Yes, I know HOW TO USE IT.
Leonard, car loans approved in 60 seconds
The unsuccessful prequel to Gone in 60 Seconds
The Wealth of the Euro
C'mon ya green wee bugger, where ya hidden yer pot o' Euros?!
Is your family prepared for terrorism.
This makes me think my family is a sleeper cell.
Dx Moment of great savingss on PC programs. Check it!
It was a moment of great savingss for the Empire.
hellfire causes birth defects in animals Too much use of a narcotic
The pragmatic approach to revival preaching.
MY HUSBAND'SWILL
Tell me more of this strange beverage you call "husband swill".
Easy Mortgage Shopping for the [[last]] Family
I guess it would be easy if all the other families were dead!
want to know how to change the situation?
Generic spam makes a comeback

Wed Apr 27 2005 08:51 By No Means AVI:

Winter Special - Buy 1 and Get 1!
Well, I'd hope so.
You cannot do that!
> give spam to troll
'supervi"agra for peanuts,
I think you've misread the instructions.
Software it's beautiful By no means AVI
The laptop salesman doth protest too much.
You are the one, selected to receive this unbeatable loan.
Perhaps we can slow Neo down if we make hundreds of copies of ourselves and each try to sell him a mortgage.
Successful people awaken each day...
I knew I was doing something wrong.
You said once you like hard erections.
I think you're quoting me out of context.

Mon Jun 06 2005 11:33:

From Penda.

Can I completely trust you?

Oh, Penda. When are we going to move past these issues? I know your mother was killed when you were only 4 years old, but your father took you so special, right? Surely that proves your family will always support you, even if you're passing through your uncle.

I know the Grandnut business isn't what it used to be, but your mother's Four Million Five Hundred Thousand USA DOLLARS from the One trunks box are going to be fine. It was good a thing to write me. I will help you as my daughter.

Nobody lies over email, Penda. Nobody can.

Sat Jun 25 2005 00:54 From Brendan's Uncle John:

Brendan's very fine Uncle John has kindly sent us some new Spam As Folk Art!

Claim Your Complimentary Gril!
Yowza! (huh? ahem...) I see now that it says gril.
Enjoy 350 Delicious Recipes Prepared in Under 30 Minutes
Five-second meals! That's what I call fast food!
Does your girl like surprises?
Not really, but my gril does.
Want A Personal Navigator?
Hmm. Does he look like Race Bannon?
Unbelievable Mortgages for Americans
Maybe the Albanians will fall for it.
Suprise for your woman...
Get her a new gril!
FreeStoreClub
Used by a Wal-Mart greeter before his incarceration.

Tue Jul 05 2005 06:50 Spam in beta:

From		Subject
`Tabatha%LAST NAME`		`Re: ...email to a few million people...`

Fri Jul 15 2005 02:19 An Axe A Day:

New and unique way to take care of medical needs at an afordable price online. http://maim.kind-doctor.info/?racketeerxtxuyzonallyzpcalibrated

Tue Jul 19 2005 02:14:

Need not Pay and watch PPV: Just select a "view" value of zero.
Do You Love Penny-Stox?: I've never even met her.
easy free cable: Miles of it. Help yourself.
Increassse sperrm volumee annd oorgasssm durattionn: Pleeease, mmmake iiit stooop.
ook, try it: Are you sure that it doesn't have any... side-effects?
You take a candy and get hard rock erection.: > DROP CANDY

Tue Jul 19 2005 21:12 You Got To Keep The Customer Salsified:

We need some more SAFA, so I just went through a list I'd been building up and wrote jokes for all of them real quick.

AS A RESULT OF WAR
We cannot fulfil your insurance claim.
Get hard and Stay hard
Lousy modeling clay!
Your spring body in this message
Now that my personality has been uploaded into the Singularity, I can have new bodies delivered via email!
The mighty cucumber lives again!
Who was that masked cucumber, anyway?
fun players -dv 804 n
At last, Linux supports the Fun media format.
We called you 5 times. - numbers checksummed
They're really, really certain they called 5 times.
At our chemist, you always have top selection of medicaments. vail
When Popeye is your pharmacist.
YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN!!!
KING OF THE RAD D00DZ!!!1
Sabotage.
I'm tellin' y'all...
Bonus: this spam also mentions "Brass Monkey". Bonus bonus: this spam also uses a new technique I like, of repeating a platitude or stale joke and then blurting out some random provocative statement in hopes of making you actually laugh.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? Foam at the Mouth Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out. Deadline Choose heaven for climate, hell for society. Sacred Cow
I think stand-up comedy would be greatly improved by the use of this technique.
IA You will win your opponent's money in our casino LIC:J9n3mnf
Meanwhile, my opponent is getting the exact same spam.
Fixed rates will not last long
Then they're not really fixed, are they?
WOW This Works For Me acquaintance
Say, acquaintance, have you heard about new Prell? It's just swell!
now I am a new man
Spamming for potions of polymorph.
It is Rolexwho? It is Rolexyou.
Start your child on the path to conspicuous consumption early by adding product placement to your baby talk.
BEST (!/R.X|) online
Invalid regular expression.
Finally, there's a way
I've always wanted to !
A banker is a fmlow who lends you his umbrzla when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain yg
No, no, you're not telling it right!
Boing... (the sound produced by a little pill)
In a Warner Bros. cartoon, maybe.
what do you have to lose, further details
But I cherish my further details!
these little blues are a festival to my johnson
So many jokes here. Smurfs, Robert Johnson, blues festivals, etc.
Is your website not being seen? Change that quickly.
I'm already compulsively reloading, but I don't think that counts as it being "seen".
Indian holes
You can't outsource it, we need the holes dug here!
Get the same function and pay less
I've already got a 2x+y, I'm not buying it again.
the secret of keeping customers satisfy
Oh, I thought the secret was salsify.
No sale is too big for our dear customers.
Here at Mom's Amalgamated Bioextrusions, we just want you to know that we value your business.
Priced to sell zucchini
Grew too much again this year, eh?
Unbelievable Purchases made simple
"I bought an end to hunger!" "I bought a unicorn!"
GreenTea for Nada
This spam came from the future; they're software packages.
We would like to exchange links with crummy.com
I just bet you would.
your doctor's appointment expires november 11th
After that he has to go back to medical school for a refresher course.
Energy & Ecology defenitions - December 24th
I like to keep up on new terminology defined in the field.
It is very important If you want to save on inks.
Friendly advice from Roast Beef.
abolish all sores and aches
By act of Congress!
FW:FW:A New life Can be started today.
In the Passive Voice Protection Program.
FW:FW:Choose the quote that matches your financial needs
Well, I liked the one about the banker and the umbrella.
iExttendder is here now! Dont waise your time socrates
"What is the good?" Why ask us, old man? iExttendder will surely know the answer!

Mon Aug 01 2005 05:40 Spam as Cryptic-Crossword Clue:

Uncover our non-expensive top balms?

(The nearest I can get to making this a real clue would be "Recover silver-lined balm (7)".)

Fri Aug 05 2005 04:03 Just Say No:

Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 09:54:49 -0200
From: Kennith Bright 
Subject: Enjoy

Drugs 'R Us

No thanks

Sat Aug 20 2005 13:37 Spam on the High Seas:

Dear Sir/Madam.

We are pleased to introduce ourselves as one of the leading online pharmaceutical shopout to consume the galleon, beating back those daring Spaniardss.

Save over 60 Percattempting to draw back he almost precipitated a battle betweenent On Meds today with until we find that it is too late to go to sea again, that we cannotPharmaMaiI Shop

VRemembering all that was at stake, growing suddenly conscious thatI Rand strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp theA much I was to blame! It was my treatment of him, the epithets I castAL LHe went off briskly in the direction of the stockade, where hisI adventurous expedition, neglecting that which lies here at our veryAG CAh, but there is a difference. Don Diego sat up to argue theI IIt occurred to him that to catch and deal with the fellow there wasS Majesty's southern plantations, Jamaica, Barbados, or any of theVA twenty-four hours now the fever had left the sufferer, and underUM S and many other. With each purof any records in which their fate may be traced. That lack ofchase you get:

Top quaIHer negroes had halted at some distance in the rear, and theyity Best Pover to swing her back to her course, his own prow replied. Butrices Total confiHe was still intent upon it a half-hour later when the dragoonsdentiaIity Home pair of blue eyes solemnly regarded the prisoner. Colonel BishopdeIivery

Have a nice day.

Mon Aug 22 2005 14:44 Sadly, Not A Missive From Franz Ferdinand:

Take me out tonight

Thu Sep 01 2005 06:46 Video-Game Power-Up Spam:

Shoot five times as much Don't be left behind- enlarge yourself now!

Thu Sep 01 2005 11:25 Spam exploits my obsession with time-traveling celebrities:

did you fear Christina Aguilera Angelia Jolie Ralph Nader
in 1822 Anna Kournikova

"You're making a mistake," purrs Ralph. "Trust me. If your Mr. Babbage will simply hand over his marvelous engine, we'll be able to slow the advance of technology to a safer, more manageable--"

"Ignore him, Chuck," Anna says.

"How can I ignore a man accompanied by succubi such as these?" demands Babbage.

"Their names are Angelina and Xtina," says Ralph. "They're quite lethal, and sometimes they make out."

Angelina and Xtina show off their knives. Then they make out.

Babbage's voice is quavery. "Not that I doubt your protection, Anna, but perhaps we should just..."

"Boize moi!" snaps Anna. "LASER VOLLEY!"

Thu Sep 01 2005 11:54 LOCATE TABLE FOR CHANGING BABIES:

I was sure I'd linked to this before, but now I can't find any such link in the archives. 56 Kilobit Sentinel's Music To Spam To is hilarious and heartfelt lo-fi antiphony for soldiers in the war against textual white noise.

Mon Sep 05 2005 16:04 More Time-Travel Spam:

Body text of one of the year-and-celebrity format ones, which must have switched to a different phrase set:-

Valetine's Day you're welcome Halloween How old? Nostradamus Keep calm!

Mon Sep 05 2005 16:50 Periodic Table of Spam:

Ce Xa Le Am Ci Pr Me Vi Va Ul le na vi bi al op

[continues for the entirety of its body text]

Wed Sep 21 2005 07:30 Disturbing ambiguity:

See All of Seinfeld!

Wed Sep 21 2005 12:16 More Disturbing Ambiguity:

See All of the Golden Girls!

Wed Sep 21 2005 13:33 More Seinfeld:

Kramer A mate for you nearby

Tue Oct 04 2005 11:24 World's Greatest Replica Granddad:

I have some spams I want to cover in more detail, but here's another batch of subjects and little snippets.

Deerges Baesd On Yuor Kgwonlee
Der sur, I wis 2 applie 4 yor posishun az teechur of inglish.
36 hours: for all your needs :)
But I need more time!
Best Erection Drugs ! fungoid
Shipped direct from Yuggoth.
Other guys are improving themselves..are you?... peking
No, I'm wasting my life making fun of spam.
Christian Health Plan
Only a $40 copay on each miracle.
Valid Advertising
It IS, I tell you!
The best moments in your life happen suddenly...
As do all moments.
No-body beats them earthworm
Once again, the Kalamazoo Earthworms take the title!
Ugly Teeth? GOU
That's a common reaction.
Rolex is not for everyone, it`s for you Lora
Pick me! Pick me!
If only everybody could see this ammunition
You see, you had the ammunition all along! You just had to believe in your own firepower!
Get Your Own Replica
What kind of weird Blade Runner business are you running?
Gift someone you love with a Rolex
"Honey, I've decided to actuate our relationship and proactively show initiative by gifting you with this Rolex."
Replica Watches for Low Prices
I guess that would be a good use for a replica of myself.
We have your commercial loans
Ransom notes delivered by spam.
We've got your info by internet,Hope to cooperate.
I'll do anything, just don't hurt my commercial loans!
Re: Very Good Pharamcy
A pharamcy is to a pharmacy what a banc is to a bank.
30 Second Homeland Instant Approval
If the creation of Israel were to happen today.
Mr. Rogers has $420,000.00 for you
Hell, I'll be his neighbor.
Be given a significant markdown on your RX-Meds
Never before has so much passive voice been crammed into a single spam. Thrill as things happen all by themselves!
Re: Blow your life Pharurmacy
I'll tell you when I've had enough!
Why waste your money on mugs, hats, calendars etc.,
An excellent point.
It's the long-awaited film version of the Broadway hit. The message sent as a binary attachment.
Featuring the hit song "The message cannot be represented in 7-bit ASCII encoding."
AWARD WINNING FINAL NOTIFICATION!!!
The competition was fierce, but I think the judges made the right choice.
we can help wink
I'm too uncoordinated to move only one of my eyes!
SYMPATHISING PRINCIPLES
When alchemists spam.
Dazzle yourself with the massive collection of computer discs!
No, the label's on the other side!
must have! Pharrgmacy
When you experience erectile dysfunction on the high seas, check out our Pharrgmacy.
In a delightful e shopping hall, obtain quick assistance.
I like how the spam-thesaurus has revived all the obsolete ways we used to envision online shopping. Next: the return of gopher?
You are cordially invited to the aristocratic club
I knew it would pay off to call my act "The Aristocrats"!
This is an innovative wave of specially priced tablets. Check the site.
But it was too late. Stevens was gone, buried beneath an innovative wave of specially priced tablets.

Thu Oct 06 2005 03:36 The Spam Of Doctor Moreau:

Get Rid of Ugly Teeth oDFvi6
Ask Specimen oDFvi3 where he left the hammer.
Kiss those big legs goodbye
They're next.
We'll Help Your Teeth Problem 5MP
I've only got enough to cast Cure Light Toothache.
Blue HGHV Solutions
Users may experience some side effects.
blue stuff that work
Hulk smash.

Fri Oct 07 2005 15:31 No tribbles either:

Semen production increases 500% Complete no-quibble guarantee
Is "quibble" some kind of... slang for something? Like...

Uh.

Fri Oct 14 2005 07:27 I Hate Doing This:

I've got your mail on my account!
You've got your account on my mail! (I am extrapolating cultural references I don't understand, second-hand, here. Is this funny, Leonard?) (Update: "Regrettably, it is not terribly funny.")
Persephone Stecklein Problem Solved
Curses, and just a week before my thesis was due to be published.
Your wife wants it bigger.
And a foot to the left, and in a different colour, and you've put the handles on upside-down.
Get Your Own Replica
Dispatch it with a sharp gardening fork before it grows to full size.
Your Call Centre in China
I knew I was forgetting something. And I've just been hanging up on them.
Pharmacy - No doctor visits
Quite right, they give their patients a prescription, generally.
I hate doing this but...
I hate it as well. Shall we stop, and I'll just buy my pharmaceuticals over the counter?
Everytime im online your offline lol
It's almost as if you're using my bandwidth to distribute spam while I'm asleep.
Inexpensive Solution
Brine.
The Ultimate Online Pharmaceutical
Cyanide.

Mon Nov 21 2005 09:30 Disgusting:

I have never before read spam that tried to persuade me to commit, not just watch, incest.

Tue Nov 22 2005 08:02:

What would a 10 time increase in response time do for your business?

Probably... Probably kill it?