Spam As Folk Art for 2004 October 8

There's a new genre of spam that recalls Franklin's dialogue with the Gout. The subject lines go like "Living your life? Well, PAIN sees things differently. That's right, PAIN is your constant companion, whether you realize it or not! Bow down before PAIN!"

• Do you wait and see? Pain can't wait. BUND
• To Everything There Is a Season -- but not pain. %RNDUCCHAR17
• You do not need to suffer the pain. TWWGZT

There was another one that was like Getting away from it all? Can't escape Pain. OVAL. I am a big fan of this spam author. It's like they're trying to copy the rhetoric of a TV commercial.

I was also intrigued by this pitch:

It takes a lot of doing to make an appointment with your do_,ct'^or,sit in the the do',ct^~or's waiting room or meet your fr',ie.nds in the hospital,so we solve these things all for you n-'ow while asking for a l`o.wer pricesfor the m^ed'^ica_tions you n-e^ed like V""icodin ( Paracod) Euro.

You visit my friends (sorry, my fr',ie.nds) in the hospital for me? You go to the, er, do',ct^~or for me? Do you also call my mother and do my jury duty?

And now, subject lines.

• Make god's envious of you in bed!

  If you did that you'd probably end up like Encolpius.

• FW: Add an mba to your name

  Just call me Leonardmba!

• asteroid midwives near 1309

  You say "Asteroid midwives", I say "Planet-destroying lasers".

• graduation for sale

  I really like this phrasing.

• U R Stupid Dumbass If U Pay Retail Pri-cee For Softwares destroy else

  Dude, calm down!

• Sexually get some of the action

  What is this, The Apartment? "Get some of the action, sex-wise!"

• defrost naughty singles

  Sounds like another lonely Friday night.

• your so lu Rodrick Lay

  You probably think this spam is about you, don't you, don't you.

• These girls love Peeing...

  Hey, I hear that.

• how is my son needs hurting

  I don't think your son does need hurting. I think you're just telling yourself that.

• No need to continue living with bad credit; we will help

  Thanks, but I'm not ready to commit suicide yet.

• Subject: Lookin' to get some ass? egotism

  Yes, I suppose it is.

• Growth hormone accelerates wound healing

  What?! Wait, actually this is the first HGH spam I've seen that explains why you'd want to buy HGH, so I can't complain.

• Subject: info from you bank

  Arr! What does me bank have to say for itself?

• Subject: FACT: You're about to be thinner, leaner, and healthier

  Don't I get a choice?

• Subject: Warning: No Evidence Alert

  Yes, spam sounded the alarm bells about WMD in Iraq long before anyone else.

• Subject: Rolex is what I want you to wear.-Linux /oral catskill camber

  First my girlfriend bothers me about my taste in accessories, and now my operating system does the same?

• in a world that always bring people wonders and changes

  Spam As Movie Trailer

• cultural Hidden Pain in Pain Pill. Vikoidne

  I have walked the paths of the ancients, through the forbidden cities of Denn-var and Czi'ka'kgo, seeking the secrets of their medicine. Now, I give you this relic of that self-destructive yet carefree age... Hidden Pain in Pain Pill! Vikoidne!

  Take only as directed.

• I always knew id be able to order online one day

  Doug Englebart, vindicated at last.

• didn't go to college - that's ok we'll give you a diploma

  Come forward, Scarecrow!

• Re: watchband candidate

  Vote for me, and, uh... watchband!

• I've been a very bad girl, check this out! bicp

  Yeah, that's pretty bad.