Spam As Folk Art for 2007

Tue Jan 02 2007 08:20 Happy New Spam:

Today's quote is from the middle of a spam, like a creamy filling:

Where we can somewhat fall in love with our stovepipe.

And passed along from Aaron Swartz:

you know how you want it ? as stable software!

Tue Jan 16 2007 08:43 National Spam Writing Month:

Good Omens (Pratchett & Gaiman) quote spotted in spam:

"So computers are tools of the devil?" thought Newt. He had no problem believing it. Computers had to be the tools of somebody, and all he knew for certain was that it definitely wasn't him.

And random text grabbing & generation gives me a new magical-realism/Stephenson/Magnolia plot!

Furthermore, a highly paid submarine goes to sleep, and the sheriff gives secret financial aid to a skinny cab driver.
When a graduated cylinder is incinerated, the sandwich gives secret financial aid to a miserly football team.
A mastadon near the inferiority complex, some somewhat incinerated bottle of beer, and a hardly snooty football team are what made America great!

Mon Jan 22 2007 10:59 Stand Up and Clap Your Hands:

This Watch is mind-blowing
Do pay attention, 007.
Comes in many o*frifices and c*uolors
I don't think I even want to know what you were trying to say there.
Need to hit your target audience?
Be sure to use our superior brand of boxing glove!
Men are going to stand up and clap their hands when they try this product!
I'm not really sure there's a market for that.
An Alfred Hitchcock z6
> PUT ROPE IN CHEST
Trust me - it will be a great surprise for your girl!
"You trusted a spammer?"
Be apart of our community
Go on, get out of here.
What if a change in circumstance means that there is NO more passing trade?
Buy apocalypse insurance today.
Make money from the comfort of your home
Charge people to relax on your soft, soft carpets and cushions.
everyday thug 4
Okay, so I was only on screen for thirty seconds, but it's a start.
Win at Poker with PokerBOT
Unplug him!
75 billion; sold over 2.
Bad luck there.
you wont find anything better Ledbetter
That's just my surname, sir, I wasn't criticising.
Eployees needed, wynnie !
Ples ring if an rnser is reqird.
sorry
Well, don't do it again.

Fri Jan 26 2007 14:49 Harry And The Spammers:

Today, I got spam with quotes from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire," "Around the World in 80 Days," and some work of philosophy that cites Socrates. Funny how a single set of two sentences from Rowling distinguishes itself.

In waxen be vandenber
One of Dumbledore's "a few words" speeches before the start-of-school meal.
From: Oculist V. Bluebirds
Hermione was seen reading a book by this author, very close to her face, as it was carried by huffing and puffing finches.
Do you want to know what Erectile Dysfunction means?
Man, I miss New Orleans.

Sun Feb 11 2007 08:13:

You're stupid man. buy viagra1n
Viagrain! From Pfizer-Monsanto! The revolutionary new crop that seemed like a good idea at the time!

The body of the email is great too. It's like a sales pitch written by the King of All Cosmos.

You're stupid man. buy viagra. maybe it will help you. oh, no. nothing helps you.

Tue Mar 20 2007 07:13 "Snow" Repetition + "Arctic" = Meaning:

I got a nice little poem-fragment spam under the title "Microsoft Windows Vista ready to download":

Sculpting each tree to fit your ghostly form.
The weight of being born into exile is lifted.
The mortal architect had brought to life,
The earth beneath his feet, in its dark cape,
Are gliding toward me on the ice into
Dreaming time has reversed, I watch drowned snow
Or else, like us, sunk into some long gaze
For any part of them we can make out
As if your absence now concluded long ago.
The paths of childhood.
Seen. What you know is only manifest
the old men burnish stories of Yaz and the Babe
A kind of snow, which hesitates
Not daring to oppose
That neither the motionless farm couple trudging
To have been claimed by what we see of what
Sits at the limit of a kind of world
XXI. Flying in the Arctic
and the numbed yards will go back undercover.

Wed Mar 21 2007 08:20 Saturday Night Palsy's Subtitle:

"boogie invidious"

Tue Mar 27 2007 11:30 Butter-Burning Machine:

Out of Office AutoReply: Sadam Hussein safe and sound!
Oh, okay, I can imagine you're busy.
Say "I can have sex all night long!"
Lying: the cheaper alternative to Viagra.
They literally turn your body into a butter-burning machinewhile helping you grow younger.
Join the Matrix today!
This one has unusial volume on thursday
Onstage at 9pm.
Are you reading data from the environment?
Yes, yes I am.
We bring planet
Thanks, but we've already got one.
waths for my bartidhy
Well, you did ask for a surprise cake filling.
Have it misanthrope
I don't want it.
24 hours after quitting: Your chance of a heart attack decreases.
NetHack intrinsics, the epilogue.
This should point to where ant is installed.
Hey! This is just a box of more ants.

Thu Apr 19 2007 09:24 Web 2.Spam:

Subject: [Unknown Tag *free* Please Fix] [Unknown Tag *porn* Please Fix] [Unknown Tag *access* Please Fix]!

In most folksonomies, we find ourselves stymied by minor divergences in tag names. The set of "scifi" and "sf" and "sci-fi" probably fits together (cf. blaaaah and blaaah) and the casual browser would rather their members converge to sit in one tag. But spam tags benefit from divergence. Ah, what we learn when QA takes a vacation.

If you don't take Man-Agra, you'll have the subject of today's other great spam:

manxiety

Thu Apr 26 2007 04:58 Creepiest sender ever:

"Doctor Candy."

Thu May 10 2007 03:39:

Oh Man My Cock is Hard

Some deviants get their kicks by sending spam.

Wed May 16 2007 10:28 Viagra-Man:

Viagra Pro will help you to fight sexual nuisances.
Cape and mask not included.
Become a sexual monster with Soft Viagra.
After a laboratory accident in Pfizer's secret research wing...
Viagra and cialis for everyone!
Nobody can stop me, once I open these reservoir sluice gates!

Tue May 22 2007 18:20 Truth Is Stranger Than Viagra:

"From: Interweb iTechnologies"

Wed May 23 2007 08:09 Just Another Day In the 21st Century:

Today's spam includes a yo-mama-esque insult: "Your penis is smaller than the smallest cell phone."

Mon May 28 2007 12:25 This snippet seems familiar...:

It's from the short story "As a Bird Out of the Snare" by Dorothy Canfield.

The thought reminded him of his evening
   chores, and he set off for the barn with a harsh jubilation that it
   was almost the last time he would need to milk. How far, he wondered,
   could he go on that money? He hurried through his work and into the
   house to his old desk. The faded text-ornament stood on the top shelf,
   but he did not see it, as he hastily tumbled out all the time-tables
   and sailing-lists. The habit of looking at them with the yearning
   bitterness of unreconciled deprivation was still so strong on him that
   even as he handled them eagerly, he hated them for the associations of
   years of misery they brought back to him. Before he went into the
   house after his evening chores were done, he stopped for a moment and
   looked back at the cleft in the mountain wall through which the
   railroad left the valley. He had been looking longingly toward that
   door of escape all his life, and now he said good-by to it. Ah well,
   twant to be, he said, with an accent of weary finality; but then,
   suddenly out of the chill which oppressed his heart there sprang a
   last searing blast of astonished anguish. It was as if he realized for
   the first time all that had befallen him since the morning. He was
   racked by a horrified desolation that made his sturdy old body stagger
   as if under an unexpected blow. As he reeled he flung his arm about
   the pine tree and so stood for a time, shaking in a paroxysm which
   left him breathless when it passed.

I thought it might be Twain; I've seen it mixed with a sample from "The Awful German Language." Also today I got a few sentences from Stephen King's Misery. Looks pretty good. Who needs BookMooch, LibraryThing, or the friendly local librarian when we've got Project Gutenberg, OCR-happy scan fans, and spammers?

Tue May 29 2007 09:57 "Students cheating insisting lying.":

I am pleased to inform you that one of the best things that can happen to any Internet user is to be rewarded for spending money and time on the Internet.

Oh, no need to thank me.

I know this will come to you as a surprise because you do not know me.

If only spam were a surprise.

Also, today some spam had munged quotes from an interesting NYT story. Who needs del.icio.us?

Sun Jun 03 2007 06:51 Earnestness Goes To Camp:

Get the size of your dream in e few weeks with our Penis Enlarge Patch.
My dream is five cubits.
From a fake personals ad: I want to create my native home, to take care of someone who will love me.
Gives "O Canada" a new spin. More seriously, this is more touching than spam ought to be.
Ladies always giggled at me and even guys did in the public toilets! Well now I laugh at them because I took megadik
He laughs at the women, too? Because they don't have huge penises?
Read on and see why the Vibrating Ring is taking the world's bedrooms by storm!
Aaah! A giant bedroom-invading vibrating ring!

Sun Jun 10 2007 16:51 "My name is ( ABD-AL-RAHMAN)":

I got my first Iraqi Nigerian email today (or anyway my first that Thunderbird didn't eat before I saw it). It's a pretty obvious angle when I think about it. Are these something everybody's already seen, or a relatively new take?

Wed Jun 20 2007 12:54 Sell The Sizzle, Not The Steak:

More insults and insinuations about penises: the product will make your unit "so large you will be able to park a car on it." "Be bigger than your girlfriends ex with [product]." Speaking of your significant other: various female orifices will not be able to handle your unit in the post-product era! Right now, in contrast, it's "so thin you can put a ring on it instead of the finger." But, more inspirationally:

[Product] will give you the inspiration for a better life.
Do you want to possess the whole world? Try our [product] and you will be the master of the universe.

From another ad: Full, thick hardons..no more semls What in the hell is a seml? Do I want to know?

Wed Jun 20 2007 13:00 GMail Is Right Out:

Excerpted from a sort of fake-personal-ad-phishing junk message I got this week:

Hello, Hans
I think we had correspondence a long time ago if it was not you I am sorry. If it was I could not answer you because my Mozilla mail manager was down for a long time and I could not fix it only with my friend's help I got the emails address out for me ..:)

Does it seem more believable for the spamee if it's Mozilla that messed up and not Outlook or Eudora? And Yahoo! Mail is even less believable. Like excuses for not turning in your homework or getting to work on time, spammer excuses have to evolve over time as we fix stupid little logistical problems; the advent of webmail, where this sort of mishap is much less likely, also means this spammer will have to switch fake excuses.

Also, in subject lines recently: Turbo penis, which led a friend to reminisce about those units back in the 90s that had the "turbo" button that lit up.

Sun Jul 01 2007 05:16 A Gentle Hint:

If you are trying to convince me that you are a bored 25 y.o. girl w/ pics 2 share, you may want to avoid using "From" names like Weldon, Lon and Perry.

Tue Jul 03 2007 13:10 Very Creative Commons:

I present to you some excerpts from a bit of spam I got that took, as its text, Isaac Asimov's Foundation stories. Subject: Psychohistorians HARI SELDON had held, his back upon the sensation of it was anything;

Enjoy.

Not touch the Anacreonian worlds: on a feverish part in the soul that you're going it won't work entirely and your last shipment. He was my philosophy of knowledge.
We have predicted the gold only Sermak, that: it opened it for thirty years now, achieved is a buzz of strength of generations of the masses, too important.
The age he caught its fall not at a missionary were kicked warmed put on the planet; will force field. They have been impossible aren't you. Aporat, grimly, I have eat fire flies caught his life motion and he said Bort?
And if they run my crimson and then looked up at the throne stiffed. Have nice of recognition of the ground slowly, the assassination, of Korell to ruin of seats, then you every known; since and HARI SELDON crisis; and Daribow?
Sermak viciously (a tall man)? The steady historical validity of factly, destiny of years. Do you the problem the second class psychologist enough to himself, in your a confession of the planet, seemed at the youthful spirits of their foreign policy to make them, from his Holy seat lip, and it's I'll have now since your bunch here at the other's treaty, is to kindle it once most of entirely different in ahchaeology, ah.
And irrevocable a question? Mallow's eyebrows lowered; and one yet.

One interesting thing here is how thoroughly Asimov's accessible prose gets wrecked. If it weren't for the proper nouns (and "psychohistory," which arguably deserves the same standing), I wouldn't have recognized it at all -- and unlike Rowling, Asimov in Foundation et al. doesn't have many memorable names.

This spam, then, gives us a glimpse into the alternate universe where James Joyce, or William Gibson, wrote Foundation. Come to think of it, the Foundation saga still has a few hundred years left to detail -- WG, want a crack at it?

Thu Jul 05 2007 10:41 "I'm going to show you this, but keep it secret!":

A subject line from my spam collection. I think it was Ben Franklin who said, "Three men may keep a secret, if two of them are spammers." Here are some of those secrets.

Did you know that 76% of girls prefer guys with a descent ramrod?

I live right near a hardware store - it must carry those. Let's go!

We bet it's not a secret for you, but the true secret is how you can ENLARGE your WEENIE safely and WITHOUT ANY RISK to amaze 100% of girls.
It will make your squib a real space rocket that will raise you up to the seventh sky of the sexual satisfaction!

ENLARGE my WEENIE? Classy. I bet I could find references to the seventh sky of the sexual satisfaction in Chinatown.

They work for up to 36 hours

...without a break, because they are terrified of losing in the first few episodes of Project Runway and being completely forgotten even in the DVD special features.

Now, my libido is back, and also my sex drive.

Does this person think that his libido was previously not the same thing as his sex drive?

twisted pit viper

Hey, there's no need for that kind of spite. I can understand why Laura questioned the authenticity of Jeffrey's work -- she'd never seen that kind of craftsmanship from him before, because they'd always worked on 2-day deadlines, so she didn't know he could do it. Would you really rather she'd bit her tongue and allowed what seemed like a breach of the rules to pass?

Thu Jul 05 2007 10:48 Depressing, Poignant Spam:

Hi, my gentleman
You know, sometimes it happens that you are in a rush and you are afraid to be late and you think that you are the most important person in this world...but you will never be able to do the MOST important...
Maybe it is because you still don't know WHAT IS? most important for You? Maybe you know, but often the Most important changes over time? It is different at 20 than at 16, and than at 25 it changes even more?
The Most important for me in my life is Family, Love, Passion, Relationships with a beloved man. You can call it any name you wish, but the meaning remains the same. I want to love and to be loved...You now know that you can find me at [URL]
You know, sometimes you are afraid to sleep alone...
You know, sometimes you are afraid that you exist...
You know, sometimes it is just raining and cold...
You know, sometimes...
You know...
See you
Raquel

Just to leaven this: indeed, the three turning points in one's life occur at 16, 20, and 25. Raquel would like multiple relationships with her beloved man (simultaneous? sequential?). And he will never be able to do the most important thing in the world: give birth? live a day free of junk e-mail?

Mon Aug 06 2007 08:06 NetHack spam:

You bounce around trying to find a lead provider that is solid. 
You are skeptical of trying again. 
You still need a boost in business.
--more--

(via Raven Black)

Tue Aug 07 2007 09:20 Candle-Ends:

Did the great Par-Salian send you.
Uh, no, no, I just need a signature for this parcel.
Hey Natural and Safe way to enlarge Tabitha Montgomery?
No, that looks pretty unnatural and dangerous to me.
Save candle-ends on branded quality medications!
Serving the post-apocalypse barter market since 2039.
Check out the wonders of pound melting
Six grams of resaleable copper can be yours!
Claim your cash for that painful whiplash
Claim your riches for those terrible itches.
Don't let ED affect your sex life!
Just pretend he's not there.
Free home-based vacancies.
Become a burglar today!
Want to earn good money? No problem, just look at this.
Become a laser-pointer safety tester today!

Sun Aug 12 2007 08:06 Citizen M142A9, Report To Municipal Comfort Station:

Pulp sci-fi spam:

handsome uxj Female xig posing for fgv Human!
Kinky!
Don't be left out, join millions of men in the revolution
The real reason the Empire cracks down on spam.
Separate yourself from other men
Defy the hive mind!
Under the money-moon
Ferengi barbershop quartets make a comeback. This spam urges "Don't be happy w ith your preceding success"
Virgins always laughed at me and even gentlemans did in the municipal comfort station! Well, now I whizgiggle at them, because I took M_E GA D IK for 4 months and now my putz is extremely bigger than world.

Sun Aug 12 2007 10:38 halfhearted bodice ripper:

"Oh Reynaldo," yawned Beatriz, "truly, your kisses set me aflame."

"Just a minute," said Reynaldo, mashing buttons, tongue through his teeth in concentration. "If I make this conversion, we go to the Super Bowl."

"I am sure your arch-rival Don Vicente could never match them," growls Beatriz.

"Fine," snaps Reynaldo. "Fine! Um, your body is the flame, my darling, and I am drawn like a moth to its doom, etcetera."

Beatriz taps away at the keyboard. "Okay!" she says. "Good. Now give me a euphemism for 'penis.'"

"Oh, just check your spam folder," grumbles Reynaldo, as the Patriots pile on.

Sat Sep 01 2007 20:25 Not To Mention Quechup:

From: Coy Aaron

You know how if your discipline has "science" in its name, or your country has "Democratic," "People's," or "Republic" in its name, it isn't? Same with "Coy."

Subject: **EMAIL ID AWARD**

If only Stacy Umana hadn't taken sumana@[host].berkeley.edu!

Subject: Can you tell me what's wrong, and how we can fix it?

Surprisingly civilized. I wish more of the customer service email I've dealt with had taken this attitude.

Subject: Vista and other fresh software

Now this is the story all about how
Windows got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute; just sit right there
I'll tell you 'bout Vista and other fresh software

Thu Sep 27 2007 22:32 When Gillette Goes Obsequious:

"The best a Sir can get"

Thu Sep 27 2007 22:40 How Do They Cram All That Spam?:

swiss&rich New demographic targeting for instant hot chocolate packets.
CAN WE TRUST YOU? Projecting, are we?
my wife has never been happier because I've become emotionally available!
RE: September 70% OFF The new 9-day month!

Mon Oct 01 2007 10:40 Subject: "parrot more nun":

It's time to: Dive in the ocean of self indulgence with Canadian Health&Care Mall.

Fri Oct 05 2007 01:06 Back to the Slaughterhouse:

This is a special offer only for the recipients of this mail.
If you are not a recipient of this mail, please disregard this message.
Without leaving your chair
Put down the gun, and turn around slowly.
Want new blinds for your home? Get no interest for 90 days
And then three salesman turn up at once, it's typical.
you are trying
You're pretty wearying yourself.
Yes this is exactly where I got my Watch, they have more like Celebrities and Superstars also you
I'm sure it's a good copy, but looting the corpses of alien bodysnatchers just seems like a bad idea.
Extremely Aggressive Investors Alert
They're onto us! Run!
I go back to the slaughterhouse and I go about my work as usual.
It's people. Spam is made out of people!
why not stand out from the crowd and enlarge your manhood
I rarely find myself in that sort of crowd, to be honest.
The Spring came to your home with new replica enjoy it
Before it kills you with its clockwork blades and replaces you.
Your spending power has been increased.
Asidonhopo hits!

Thu Oct 11 2007 06:10 You know nothing of my work!:

LET:account,password,shop,did you forget?,are you forget?,why are are forget?,damn you forget}

Pill spam that parodies phishing spam. Possibly the first example of intra-spam genre parody.

This spam also includes the address http://{_clean_domains}

Sat Oct 13 2007 11:51:

We are here for you and your penis!
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!

Wed Oct 17 2007 19:32 The Prequel:

A real man should have a real penis. Here it is!
Haha, where did you get that? It looks almost reaiIIEEEE

Tue Nov 20 2007 15:19 NEVER BORING:

Fungo bat in your pants
Get back here, I need those.
Never Scrub Your Toilet Bowl Again-F reeSample of Kaboom NeverScrub
You might have to refit the rest of your bathroom. (Bang bang bang.)
Need a Promotion.
Writing spam subject lines just isn't paying the bills any more.
Stop those harassing Phone Calls
Sorry.
Are you a smoker or not
Just buy something or get out of my tobacconists.
A Holiday Must Have: The Crazy Fast Mini Remote Control Car- NEVER BORING
That drilling sound you hear at night? IGNORE IT.
How would You like to divert 1000s of fresh new visitors daily.
Stand here and hold this Golf Sale sign.
Franck Muller Watches
He sees when you buy cheap replicas.
get the green light for sex everytime, grow some size
And some bioluminescence.
$5,000 to $500,000 or more
Or even more than that!
No pain, yes gain!
The prisoner's dilemma of exercise.
Need help sleeping? Read this!
It's really, really dull.

Fri Dec 07 2007 08:01 VIEW WHAT WE GOT TO PROPOSE:

Seed of a good rap there. Anyway, what follows is the least Texan email I've ever received.

Subject: I WILL HELP

Hello,

My Name is ( MRS.LUCY BOB), I am 75yrs old of age; I stay in Texas, USA. I am a good merchant; I have several industrial companies and good share in various banks in the world. I spend all my life on investment and corporate business. All the way I lost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in November 5th 2003.I am a very greedy woman with all cost I don~Rt know much and care about people, since when I have an experience of my lovely ones I felt weak. I found it difficult to sleep and give rest.

Later in the year 2004 February I was sent a letter of medical check up, as my personal doctor testify that I have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon. I found it uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of investment cannot be run and manage by me again. I quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser.

He minister to me to share my property, earth, to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business woman and man for their investment for future rising. So therefore I am writing this letter to people who are really need help from me both student in college, to contact me urgently. Especially those people who found it so difficult in the area of money. Please contact me and stop weeping.

Probably let me know what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orphanages homes near your town. Now am so much with GOD, am now born again. May the lord bless you, as you reach me, please to remind you reply to ([address]) Please scammers and any act of fraudulent on Internet.

BEST REGARD LUCY BOB

My favorite bits are the all-caps name, "I am a good merchant" (gets Leonard laughing with its mix of interactive-fiction "times are tough, sigh" and the PBS sponsorship tag for "The GOOD Cook!"), "Please contact me and stop weeping," "pastor/prophet," the fragmented last sentence that betrays the scam, and "I found it uneasy to survive myself."

Fri Dec 07 2007 08:34 What is it with George Soros?:

Why does so much of that random text in these messages have to do with financier and liberal George Soros? Also, who's the rather gifted copywriter whose scanning, rhyming verse on manhood enhancement landed in my spambox?

fate casio
The plastic watch of inevitability! The synth of destiny!
To: selldisposablegriffin@crummy.com
Talk about the right of first sale.
200 doctors were hunted down to keep our prices low
And to keep the supply of doctors low.
Alton says these are fabulous
But it's a unitasker!
plea sure
SNL's Jeopardy! parodies for kids have Sean Connery saying this.
Adore completely new evenings with our new proposal
The night of Aprember 45th shall be ours!
Tired of paying twice the price of a med when buying it from a "reliable" licensed USA Web pharmacy?
Reliability is not very extr3me. Live on the edge! When purchasing Lipitor.
Subject: resolution hi, how be fine
And happy new year to you as well!

Fri Dec 14 2007 06:26 Tales That Will Chill You:

Announcing the FIRST-EVER TALKING Thomas Kinkade collectible Story House! LISTEN as Thomas Kinkade reads aloud the beloved holiday poem, "The Night Before Christmas"! Watch as each impeccably sculpted room LIGHTS UP in turn as the classic story unfolds. Experience anew the delight of Christmas through Thomas Kinkade's gentle voice and his charming Victorian holiday artistry.

The voice is coming from inside the house!

Tue Dec 18 2007 04:19 On Worm Web:

Make money at home right now!
But I'm at work!
Looking for happy relationship, Dear?
Don't be silly, darling.
Don't worry about your equipment any more.
I was on third watch and a rust monster ate it all. Sorry.
Hey, start seeing dollars pouring in.
Drink this.
what children
The ones I was paying you to babysit?
You'll easily counter with your
Instant-speed email deletion spell!
Unwanted Pounds could be easily burnt off!
Yes, they could, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.
try bank apple, on worm web
I'm not sure that metaphor really works.
Do you want a prosperous future? GET YOUR UNIVERSITY DIPLOMA!
Okay, dad, okay.